|
The
Downward Spiral
The following are excerpts from
'Blogging the Fifth Nail', a
blog kept for seventeen months by Joseph Edward Duncan III. Duncan has been
arrested for the kidnapping of 8 year old Shasta Groene and the suspected
murder of her nine year old brother Dylan. The children were taken from
their home on May 16. Their mother, her boyfriend, and their 13 year old
brother Slade were found bound and bludgeoned to death. Duncan is the prime
suspect.
Jan 22 04 - I just set up a blog for
my family. My intent is to add members by request and keep the blog private
so we can keep each other up on the latest and such. I'm re-purchased the
kinkitchen.com [now offline] domain name to use
for the blog, it's gonna be a lot of fun, and work!
Feb 17 04 - I can't count the number
of times I've stood open mouthed disbelieving what was happening to me
because of something I did not realizing the potential consequences.
Yes, my "sex offense" was one of them. I can't say I did not know it was
wrong, but I can honestly say that I had no clue of the impact my actions
would have on my victim, or society, or myself. Like I've mentioned before
in this blog, I was abused, even raped, so often and by so many different
people growing up that I thought it was like smoking pot, everyone did it,
but nobody openly admitted it.
Mar 21 04 - No, I have not stopped
updating this blog. I've just been very busy with the move and all, I really
should place a higher priority on making daily entries to this blog even
though no one ever reads it, it is still a valuable check and balance for my
daily activities for when the day comes when I am accused of some crime I
did not do. I know it will come, it is just a matter of time. I have already
been suspect in at least a few that I know of, and directly accused of at
least one (where I was accused of harrasing women for a date in an area of
town I've never been, they had a picture of me from the Internet and said it
was me who was harrasing them, the police showed up at my door and told me
that they "were watching" me.)
Apr 05 04 - Yesterday a friend told me
that I was an exception to the rule when it comes to his "experience with
sex offenders." He meant it as a complimentary comment, implying that most
sex offenders only think about re-offending. It was not the first time I
have been offended by comments that were meant well. The truth is that I am
not an exception, I am the rule! Most sex offenders are just like me, not at
all concerned about re-offending since the idea is not even in the realm of
possibilities to them. They are hard working responsible law abiding
citizens, and in fact on average slightly better adjusted than the average
working class person.
May 20 04 - Well, it seems I have
finally stumbled across some information that confirms my strong suspicions
that our governments (state and federal) are just puppet shows designed to
distract our citizens and keep them from getting in the way of the real
powers in this world. Almost all of my suspicions have been ratified, and
now I am at loss for what to do about it. I am like the dog who has finally
caught the car and suddenly realizes how pointless and dangerous the whole
chase was.
Jun 07 04 - Sometime in the middle of
the night I woke up and there was a strange noise coming from a long rope
like apparition suspended in mid air. I looked at it and was a little
afraid, but kept looking because I did not know what it was. It started to
move toward the bathroom, but eventually faded away before it got to the
doorway and I was left just lying there awake in my room.
Jul 02 04 - What is really interesting
about this whole way of looking at things is that a psychologist might call
me sociopathic because I am rationalizing the fact that I am insensitive to
how others feel. Hmmmmmm, maybe we need more sociopaths then!
Aug 05 04 - Even though the chances of
a child being abducted by a stranger are less than the same child being
struck by lightening, or bitten by a shark, children today are preoccupied
with that fear. Fear is the beginning of isolation, confusion and hate. All
governments know that the biggest threat to their power over the people is
unity amongst the people. Governments throughout history have sought ways to
disrupt that unity. Our government is the master of this technique. It is
routine and even expected for our children to turn in their parents if they
even suspect they are not conforming. Our children are taught in schools,
"Do not talk to strangers, they are dangerous and want to hurt you." "If any
adult makes you feel uncomfortable, run away and report them immediately."
"The police are your friends." What a great way to keep our children from
learning new things and thinking for themselves. The last thing the
government wants you to do is think, the first is to feel...Fear!
Sep 12 04 - I'm home, Sunday
Afternoon, nothing to do, everything being undone. Nobody to remind me. Life
is about giving your choices over to God. Chicken pot pie in the oven. Why
can others not see the unity of the universe. Why are they so blind in their
dungeons.
Oct 05 04 - To the Police Cheif: So,
you leave unanswerable questions unanswered. Maybe you shouldn't purport
thinking that raises such questions. You probably think you are Christian,
but Christ would never evict someone for using drugs, not even from heaven!
Apparently you would. Healing can not start without forgiveness. So if you
don’t forgive, then you are only prolonging the pain (others pain). You are
even guiltier than the culprit because you are in a better position to
forgive. You can start the healing instead of continuing to hurt people, yet
you choose to not forgive and ignore the most important message from Christ.
You choose to support the criminal dilemma rather than stop it. Your most
important clients are the criminals, they need your help the most, and yet
you would evict them rather than help them. A child victim is always tragic,
what angers me is your blindness to your role in supporting the whole
victim/criminal cycle. Who is worse; a sex offender, or the people who
support the system that supports the sex offenders rational, so no matter
how many you lock up there will always be more to take their place? You know
it’s true, but you can’t say so or you’d be admitting your own futility. God
forbid, and damn the children.
Dec 21 04 - Let he who has not sinned
cast the first stone. Most cops are the worst "criminals" I know (and I know
several cops, including my own brother). They break the law routinely and
consider it amongst themselves a fringe benefit of being a cop. If people
were just a little more conscious of the world around them they would see
how ridiculous they all look bowing down to the insane gods of criminal
justice; gods that promise relief from grievances that they have no power to
deliver. No knock search warrents are just another tool used to deceive the
masses in to thinking they are safe. Like making human sacrifices
(ritualistic murders designed to appease the imaginary entities that dictate
the events of our lives). They call them executions, but a careful study
from an anthropological perspective reveals that they are indeed a form of
human sacrifice. And we pretend to be civilized!
Jan 25 05 - My laptop has been acting
strange lately, seems I keep getting re-infected with spyware type viruses.
I finally found the hole and plugged it, but now today I get a rejection
nottice in my email box for an email I never sent. The rejecting server is
located in the same city I was being investigated out of this summer. I have
no business with anyone in that city. Could the message be caused by a
program that is trying to email out key-stroke logs? Why can't the police
see how evil what they are doing is? Why do most people think the police
serve a useful function? Why can't people realize that George Orwell was a
prophet?
Feb 13 05 - I dreamed last night that
I was in a zomby movie. It started with this mad drive from some sort of
camp ground to a trailer park, where I picked up my wife and children (in
real life I am single) and took them in a power boat up river to the safety
of the wilderness. After going as far as we could we got out and walked to a
shore were we witnessed a larger group of "survivors" trying to organize a
defense barrier against the zombies. I was found out by a man who seemed to
be their leader when he saw me move my foot. He of course tried to convince
us that our best chance for survival was to join thier group. Then I woke
up. Weird.
Feb 21 05 - The only cure for crime is
Love. Everything else is just more crime.
Mar 17 05 - A Conversation With God
Apr 15 05 - So, I've been accused of
molesting a little boy. Those close to me know I didn't do it of course, how
could I, I'm not even a pedophile. Well, I'm not a psychopath either, I feel
the full force and pain of everyone I have ever hurt, but that doesn't stop
me from doing what I need to do. Ultimately my feelings don't matter, I
learned that in prison. I have to carry out my orders or a lot worse than
just me dying could happen.
Apr 24 05 - Yes, I am still alive. I
honestly wish not, I just don’t know how to kill myself so it makes sense.
Nothing makes sense to me right now. Last night I realized I was “scared and
alone.” Being scared doesn’t bother me as much as being alone, but it is a
fate that I probably chose sometime before I was ever born because I’ve been
making the decision to fight my battles alone since I was a small child. The
current battle is of epic proportions (I do not make this claim idly
either). It is a battle between me and my demons. Only two people in the
world have a clue as to the power and nature of my demons (besides me) and
they will probably never read this. But just the same, these demons are
stronger than even I gave them credit for, and now they are taking my best
blows and not even staggering. I’m afraid, very afraid. If they win then a
lot of people will be badly hurt, and they’ve had their way before, so I
know what they can do. I’ve been praying a lot and asking God for help. I’ve
asked him to step in and intercede directly, because I see no other way at
this point that I can win. If you are reading this, and you believe in God,
please pray for God to help me defeat my demons. God has shown me the right
choice, but my demons have me tied to a spit and the fire has already been
lit. I don’t know if the right choice is even an option any more!
May 11 05 (Next to last entry, titled 'The
Demons Have Taken Over) - Thanks for the comments. As far as letting God
take care of the Demons, too late. They've locked up the "Happy Joe" person
in the same dungeon that "Happy Joe" kept them in for so many years. Now
they are loose and I am very afraid. From now on I may refer to "Happy Joe"
as "Jet" (me) and the demons as "The Bogeyman." If you are familiar with me
or even my fifthnail website then you will understand the names (see
www.fifthnail.com). [now offline] I have been
asking God to help defeat the demons. In fact, last night I was on my knees
begging him, crying out loud to him, to help me. He didn't answer, again.
The problem is I am loosing my religion. I don't accept anything at face
value, not even my own thoughts. So when I start having religious
convictions I question the source. And in my current situation I figure I am
under a lot of stress, and there are perfectly natural human mechanisms that
account for all religious experiences. The demons (if that's what they/it
are/is--I use the term for mere convenience) have convinced me that I should
at least question my religious beliefs, (this makes sense, otherwise I would
believe anything) and that is how they got the key to the dungeon, and
trapped me inside.
To be more specific, I am scared, alone, and confused, and my reaction is to
strike out toward the perceived source of my misery, society. My intent is
to harm society as much as I can, then die. As for the "Happy Joe" (Jet),
well he was just a dream. The bogeyman was alive and happy long before Happy
Joe.
I was in prison for over 18 years, since the age of 17. As an adult all I
knew was the oppression of incarceration. All those years I dreamed of
getting out...And getting even. Instead, I got out and I got even, but did
not get caught. So, I got even again, and again did not get caught. So, I
figured, well, I got even twice (actually more, but that's here nor there),
even if I'm the only one who knows, so now what? Well that was when the
"Happy Joe" dream started. I met a bunch of really great people, the kind of
people I didn't even know existed, but here they were, bunches of them, my
neighbors, my landlords, my professors, my coworkers, and they were all good
people, who were willing to give me a chance despite my past. They were
willing to accept me and be my friend, something that was new for me, having
been betrayed by many "friends" and even my own family.
So, I tried to make it work. But the problem was those demons. The ones who
"got even" for me. They kept reminding me that if my new "friends" knew
about them (and what they, I, had done to even), then so much for their
friendship. So, "Happy Joe" was just dreaming, or pretending to be happy.
May 13 05 (Final entry, titled
'Still Confused') My blog entries lately are erratic and full of a lot
of B.S., for that I apologize. I am just trying to put down what is in my
head, regardless. As far as "taking people with me" well, I don't know if
that is right or wrong. In fact, I don't know much any more what right and
wrong even is. My view is either everything is right (in some regard) or
everything is wrong (in some other regard). The question (one I am
struggling with at this point) is, "Does it matter?"
Does anything matter? My mother is crying right now, because her son is in
trouble again. She tried to raise a good son, and she knows her son has a
good heart, so why does he do these things? She is probably more hurt and
confused than me. Does it matter? It hurts me to know these things, but DOES
IT MATTER???
A hundred years from now, all my mothers pain will be forgotten, and other
mothers will cry for there sons. A million years from now there probably
won't be any mothers (at least not like we know).
I have feelings, in fact I think I must be more sensitive than most people
because I seem to feel more than they do, at least more than what they
openly express. I feel for the starving children and families in the world,
others say, "Oh, that's too bad, but I can't do anything so..."
I wish I could be more honest about my feelings, but those demons made sure
I'd never be able to do that. I might not know if it matters, but just in
case, I am working on an encrypted journal that is hundreds of times more
frank than this blog could ever be (that's why I keep it encrypted). I
figure in 30 years or more we will have the technology to easily crack the
encryption (currently very un-crackable, PGP) and then the world will know
who I really was, and what I really did, and what I really thought. Also,
maybe then they will understand that despite my actions, I'm not a bad
person, I just have a disease contracted from society, and it hurts a lot.
I hope to complete this journal before I die (soon) or turn myself in (I
still might do that, I think it is the right thing, but of course, I'm not
sure).
Speak of being sure; I wish I could be sure about my thoughts. But right now
the only thing I'm sure about is that I'm sure about nothing. It is not a
good position to be in considering my circumstances (being a felony fugitive
and all).
|
