Friday, July 08, 2005

Historic G-8 Session Comes to an End The G-8 leaders have come to historic agreements which could possibly improve the course of this planet and the fortunes of all mankind. Accords reached on the environment, terrorism, Aids, and global poverty are just a few of the many accomplishments to come out of this session of the G-8 (also know as the Fantastic Seven and Canada.) "Wow," said French president Jaques Chirac. "We did all this in only three days? Remarkable. It just shows what can happen when you get eight great and semi-great leaders into the same space for a few hours." "Yes, the sky really is the limit," agreed that guy from Canada, whose name no one could remember. Speaking as this year's host for the three-day convention of some of the worlds largest economic powerhouses, Prime Minister Blair began his remarks with comments on the bombings in London. "Britain has stood firm in the face of fear, enduring the worst attacks on our nation since World War II. This was our 911, and the members of the G-8 have bonded together to pass a resolution stating that we condemn the bombings and the bombers who committed them. Not only that, but we have all agreed to denounce all acts of terrorism, except for those which may be required to decommission some low-lifer rotter or another." "Terrorists beware of the Fantastic Seven plus Canada," said Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, thrusting a Bic Fine Point high into the air. "We've also committed to providing more aid to Arfica," Blair continued. "And this time we'll make sure they spend it bloody well right, instead of tossing it all out on a bunch of worthless trinkets." "We've got to take out the mosquitoes," chimed in Bono, who was present as the official G-8 celebrity guest. (VH1 has acquired the rights to a highlight reel from the conference). "And chase all the corrupt politicians out of their villages and back into the jungles where they belong." "Whatever," commented President Bush. Russian President Vladimir Putin was strangely quiet, nodding his head slowly back and forth, as though he were asleep. Blair concluded by touting the historic agreement on climate change that the leaders hammered out on Wednesday morning between 9:30 and 11:00. "We've all agreed that it's a huge frigging problem, one that we should do something about someday, and when that day arrives, we shall do it, whatever it may be, unless there's a chance it might hurt the US economy. And for the day when we once again do discuss this distressing issue, we have resolved to not only develop a plan, but a contingency plan as well." "It's a new face towards the future," shouted the guy from Canada that nobody can remember. 4:29:30 PM    comment []

Rehnquist To Step Down 'Real Soon' Administration officials are expressing renewed concern over the possibility that if he is not quickly put some place safe, Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist "just might have another one of his accidents or something." Mr. <Unnamed Source> from the Department of Homeland Security told FGAQ that President Bush continued to be 'very, very concerned' about the health and well being of Rehnquist. "He would just hate to face two vacancies on the court at the same time, what with his opposition backed up into a corner and all; I mean, whatever would he do? I guess he would just try and give America the sort of judges they deserve. He's like that, our president." "There's a story - I don't know if you've heard this one before, but there's a story about his dad going down to the Crawford ranch about three years ago, while the president was taking a brief respite from the war on terror. They were sitting outside eating Texas style barbeque - chicken and ribs - that they had cooked up themselves. The sun was going down, and there wasn't anybody else around except for the secret service agents assigned to take care of the mosquitoes. The two got to talking about Iraq, and I guess old Bush Sr. might have had a few drinks, cause the two of them got louder and louder until suddenly there was a clatter and the platter went tumbling off the table onto a big Texas Turdweed. Both of them look aghast for a moment, all those delicious ribs gone to waste, but then they broke out laughing and slapping each others backs. They were over it, just like that. Then little George goes back up to the grill to get some more grub, and there's nothing left but a chicken thigh and one polish sausage. So he asks his father, 'What would you like, dad?' And George Sr. just grins at him and says, 'Nope. You're in charge now. What do you want?' So little George takes them both, and the last little bit of baked beans as well. But the important thing is, he did ask." In fact, FGAQ had heard that story before, and so politely sent Mr. Source on his way. Still, in light of other recent mishaps, such as his recent narrow escape from a runaway car, we do feel that perhaps Justice Rehnquist is feeling that now is the time for him to step down. We spoke to Vegas odds-maker Louie Arpege, who gave us 3-1 on it. "Oh yeah. No doubt, no doubt. He'll be gone by the end of next week. I gotta tip, from his bodyguard or something. The guy is jinxed, and needs to go someplace safe. And there's no place safer than retirement." 12:15:22 PM    comment []