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Army to Miss Recruitment
Goals
The newest Army recruitment poster
Lt. Gen. Franklin L. Hagenbeck, speaking to
the House Armed Services Committee, has admitted that the Army will fall
short of it's recruitment goals this year. He blames the threefold effect of
an improving economy, competition from private industry and a growing number
of parents who are not supportive of military service under the current
administration.
"Bush has really hosed it up for us,"
Hagenbeck told FGAQ in a phone interview yesterday. "I mean, he's just done
too good of a job in revitalizing the economy. Everything is buzzing along,
and the financial incentives just aren't as tempting as they used to be. A
couple of years ago we could offer a $20,000 signing bonus, and 'Katie bar
the door'. Nowadays, unfortunately, they get a bigger bonus than that just
by signing on as a stock boy at Wal-Mart. Man, sometimes I hate private
industry."
Hagenbeck told us that his efforts at
obtaining increased monetary incentives has gone unrewarded. "I proposed
that we pay new recruits the same as members of congress, and I nearly got
hooted out of the House. What's up with that? You're telling me a good
infantryman isn't worth as much as Rick Santorum? I'm not buying that."
"Now the issue about the parents, that's just
deplorable. But it's not surprising that the generation of dope-smoking
pacifists would be hesitant to send their little darlings off to defend the
country. What bullshit. So we're using a trick out of their own playbook -
the generation gap. We've got a couple new ads ready to roll. One is your
basic reverse psychology ad - 'Oh, so your parents don't want you to join
the army. We probably wouldn't take you anyway, you big pussy'. That one
tests really well, particularly in the mid-west. And then there's my
personal favorite - 'Don't trust anyone over thirty, unless they're
wearing a uniform'. |
