Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Thousands of Robertson's Documents Dumped Reporter Jill Zuckman finishes reading and gets ready to analyze WASHINGTON (FGAQ) -- Around thirty-five thousand pages of newly available documents from John Roberts Jr.'s first government job were released today, covering the years of 1981 to 1982. According to the Chicago Tribune, which has already read and analyzed the papers, these documents "show a highly intelligent, politically savvy young man, wrestling with charged legal and political issues on behalf of the deeply conservative Reagan administration." FGAQ spoke to Tribune editor William B. Rood, about the remarkable journalistic effort. "How the heck did you read through all that material so fast," we wondered, as we had only made it through a couple thousand pages ourselves. "Speed readers," Rood replied. "Speed readers on speed. Nothing faster. But it still wasn't fast enough to get through 35,000 pages in the six hours before we went to print and still do the proper analysis. So we used extra resources, seven speed reading reporters on speed. That way they only had to deal with about five thousand pages each. Piece of cake for an organization like ours." "That still seems like a lot of material to get through if you say you're trying to do serious analysis," we told him. Rood leveled with me. "You know, these document dumps aren't as intimidating as they look to an outsider. They really aren't. There's a lot of junk in there - doodles, poetry, papers with nothing on them but a phone number, all sorts of junk. All told, there probably weren't more than twenty-three or twenty-four thousand pages that we really had to put a hard focus on. That makes our job a heck of a lot easier." "Poetry?" we asked, wondering just what Robertson was doing writing verse on government time. "What kind of poetry?" "Oh, all kinds. Some of it is whimsical, you know, 'bingo, bango, bongo', but some of it is deeper, showing the type of highly dedicated, deeply compassionate conservative that John G Robertson really is. Like this one, called 'The Cloud', that has really stuck with me. "Look to the sky / and see the cloud / It makes me feel / extremely proud / To raise my voice up / clear and loud / And cheer these rights / That God endowed'. Beautiful, isn't it?" "We would not sleep with Maureen Dowd," we replied before taking our leave. "Unless we were completely plowed." 2:52:53 PM    comment []

New Rolling Stones CD Slated for September Left to right: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, and Ron Wood A spokesman for the legendary Rolling Stones confirms that the lads are ready to release a new CD in September, their first new studio effort in several years. The disc, entitled 'A Bigger Bang', will be the groups 217th collection. "It's a bloody great record," said legendary lead singer Mick Jagger. "Probably the best thing we've done since, uh... I don't remember. But it will bloody right rock your socks off, and your slippers too." "Heh, heh," said legendary guitarist Keith Richards. "Yeah." The disc, produced by the legendary Don Was, includes the new tracks 'Gas Attack', 'Born to Roll', 'She Gives Me Angina', 'It All Depends', 'Speak Up', 'Gray Sugar', 'Has Anybody Seen My Teeth', 'Street Walking Man', 'Under My Desk', and seven others too silly to mention.  10:58:44 AM    comment []