Friday, August 12, 2005

Whoever Heard of a Bomb in Oklahoma City? Mr. & Mrs. Dreyling: Sometimes your parents can't be too rich or too white You.. can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You say.. "Steve.. how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?" First.. get a million dollars... University of Oklahoma student Charles Alfred Dreyling Jr. has been released on $10,000 bail after bringing a 'small' pipe bomb into Will Rogers World Airport in his carryon bag. According to the AP, "The device was described in an FBI affidavit as a carbon dioxide cartridge filled with gunpowder that could be detonated when connected to a power source such as the batteries Dreyling had in his electric razor and in his cell phone, which were also in his carryon bag." Oh sure, you know those FBI guys and their crazy exaggerations. Family friend and former Oklahoma City mayor claims that the device was nothing more than a 'glorified firecracker'. 24 year old student Charlie says that he learned how to build bombs as a teenager, but claims that they are strictly for 'recreational purposes'. And he has a good excuse for why this one turned up in his carryon. He forgot it was there. Now.. you say, "Steve.. what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, 'You.. have never paid taxes'?" Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: "I forgot!" How many times do we let ourselves get into terrible situations because we don't say "I forgot"? Since it was obvious that a boy with such nice parents and friends could be in no way connected to terrorists, Dreyling spent all of a day in jail before being released to the custody of his folks. But don't think the law is being easy on him. As condition for his release, he must stay at his parents house and abide by a strict 10 PM curfew. And later on, he faces charges of trying to get on an aircraft with an explosive device. Let's say you're on trial for armed robbery. You say to the judge, "I forgot armed robbery was illegal." Let's suppose he says back to you, "You have committed a foul crime. you have stolen hundreds and thousands of dollars from people at random, and you say, 'I forgot'?" Two simple words: Excuuuuuse me!!" Additional commentary provided by Steve Martin 3:20:11 PM    comment []

President Expresses Sympathy Crawford, Texas (FGAQ) - President Bush took a break from clearing brush on Thursday to express sympathy for Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a slain soldier who has been holding vigil a few miles outside of his Crawford Ranch. "I sympathize with the woman," said Bush. "She feels strongly about her, about her position, which as you know, is right next to my darn property. And I am -- she has every right in the world to say what she believes. This is America. It's a big country, with lots of places to have a position. Have I said position enough? Didn't think so. She has a right to her position. And I've thought long and hard about her position. Well, maybe not hard, but long. I've heard her position from others, which is, 'Get out of Iraq now.' Now I think it's time for her to think about my position, which is, 'Get out of Crawford now'. I'm trying to have a dang vacation here." "As long as I'm expressing sympathy here, I'd like to express it for my good friend Justice Rehnquist. You all know he had a head cold last week and ended up at the hospital. That's real sad. And my advice to him is to maybe step down from the Supreme Court, you know, stop and smell the roses before it's too late." "You know who I feel sorry for? The Washington Nationals. They got whumped by the Astros 6-3 last night, and now they're three games out of the wild card race. Looked like they were going great guns earlier in the season, but now they're just falling apart. You don't have sympathy for them, you just don't have a heart." "I tell you who could really use some sympathy - Jennifer Anniston. That girl's in a world of heartbreak. Brad Pitt used her up like a can of caulk, and now she's boo-hooing all over the place. It's a real pitiful thing to see. Brad Pitt, you ever come near Crawford, I'm gonna kick your ass." "Lastly, I'd like to express my sympathy to any American who shells out eight bucks to see 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo' this weekend. We had a screening at the ranch last night, and it was just terrible. Laura left the room after twenty minutes, as soon as the woman with a pecker for a nose came on the screen. Stay away, citizens, stay away. Course I realize that there's gonna be some people who want to see it just because George Bush said it blew chunks. Guess they're gonna learn the hard way that the president isn't wrong about everything." 11:36:11 AM    comment []