Wednesday, August 17, 2005

We Just Call Him Boring I felt the 'P' was coming between me and my fans. We had to simplify it. It was, you know, doing concerts and half the crowd saying 'P. Diddy,' half the crowd chanting 'Diddy.' Now everybody can just chant 'Diddy.' - Diddy to Couric Sean John Combs, the entrepreneur widely known as the artist who single handedly made rap music boring, has decided that it is time for another name change. Henceforth, he will simply be know as 'Diddy'. It is not known whether the 'd' is meant to be capitalized or not. "Back in the day, I was mostly in the studio, so Sean John was okay. But then when I started attempting to perform, you know, I needed something a little tougher and more street. So I came up with Puff Daddy, made it up myself. That's the shit, man, that is gangsta. You hear somebody named Puff Daddy, you know you're dealing with some kinda bad dude. Course the ladies all got to calling me Puffy, and I was down with that until I found out it was slang for a homosexual." "Course then I went on and made that tribute to Biggie, 'I'll Be Missing You' which got a lot of attention. People were calling it the worst rap record ever made, so I had to explain, 'Listen, this ain't no rap record'. So then they just called it the worst record period. Man, I hated that shit." "I needed a change, you know, something fun, something young. I thought I was gonna go with Puff Diddy, but I got this nasty email from Suge Knight wherein he proceeds to tell me that it rhymed with 'tough titty'. Man, I'd like to shoot that motherfucker, but he was right, so I just went with the 'P'." "Then last year was another bad one. I released my new tracks 'We Invented The Remix', which got a lot of one star reviews. People calling me up going 'Yo, turkey, you crazy. They been making remixes for thirty years'. What the hell did I know? We was poor growing up, couldn't afford anything but 45s." "So. It's 2005, and I'm going with 'Diddy'. Five letters. Simple. I think it's a winner. And this year, I ain't gonna release nothing." 2:49:54 PM    comment []

"Arf. Arf. Arf arf arf arf." "What is it Barney? Speak to me." "Slow down master. I can't keep up with your bicycle." "Aw shucks, boy, I'm just getting started." "But you fly like the wind, master. Have mercy. I'm just a little dog." "Okay, okay. How's this, then?" "A little better. I may be able to keep up without having a stroke." "What is it you wanted to tell me, anyway?" "I was just down by the pond, master, and I saw this humongous catfish. It was the size of a... uh... the size of me." "Aw, you ain't that big, little fellah. See, that's why I call you little fellah, cause you ain't that big." "I'll bet you'd think I was pretty big if I was a catfish. Come on. Slow down, why doncha." "I'd think you was moderate big if you were a catfish. Don't worry about it. Maybe we'll go fishing in the afternoon after I clear me some more brush. Where does all that stuff come from, anyway?" "I don't know, master. I... arf... I... arf... AHROOOO!" "Barney! Barney, what happened? Barney! Oh my goodness, the little fellah's had a heart attack or something... Secret service! Secret service guys! Help help, I need a doctor! HEEELLLPPP!... Oh, lord, I've outpaced my security... Think, think, what do I do... Oh man, this dog needs artificial restoration... Okay, okay... breathe in... breath out... yuck... breathe in... breathe out... yuck... breathe in..." "Arf." "Barney! You're okay!" "Yeah, master. Just a little winded, that's all. I felt a little faint, and the next thing I knew, my whole life was flashing before my eyes. I think I want to go back home." "You're on. I'll race you there." "No thanks, master. I think that I'll just walk." 10:34:11 AM    comment []