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Weekly Radio Address From President Bush 8/20/05
"Good morning."
"In a few weeks, our country will mark the four-year
anniversary of the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. On that day, we learned that
vast oceans and friendly neighbors no longer protect us from those who wish
to harm our people. And since that day, we have taken the fight to the
enemy."
"We have combated terrorists on the home front by
disrupting terror cells and their financial support networks. We're fighting
the terrorists in Afghanistan, Iraq, and around the world, striking them in
foreign lands before they can attack us here at home... Hello. Hello. Is
this thing on? Damn it..."
"My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that
nobody listens to my weekly radio address. Nobody at all. As a matter of
fact, a number of radio programmers have told me that I'm actually getting
negative ratings, meaning when my address comes on people switch the
station. Well, no more of that nonsense. Next week the ratings are going to
be through the roof, because they're going to find out they missed the best
half hour in radio history. Isn't that right, Em?"
 .
"That's right, Mister President. Everyone's missing a
piece of broadcasting history. Did you mention the fact that no recordings
are being made of this historical half hour?"
"No I didn't Em, but you're dead on it. I guess anybody
who's not tuned in is just a motherfuckin' sucka. Isn't that the way you'd
put it, homeboy?"
"Mmm, something like that."
"Em, you is an example of what a young person can do these
days through hard work and determination. I gotta thank you for all the
money you've personally put into the economy through your efforts. I guess
it's nice to see a lot more of it left in your hands thanks to my program of
tax relief. And nice to know, too, that if you should kick off tomorrow, the
governments not going to be coming after your little girl, trying to take
half your estate."
"Yeah..."
"Now Em, what's this I hear about you having some sort of
drug problem or another? That can't be a good message for the kids."
"Well, W, I..."
"Don't call me W, Em."
"Sorry. It's just prescription sleeping pills, Mister
President. You know I've been pulling out all the stops on the Anger
Management Tour, and, you know, you do the show, you get all wired and can't
fall asleep, and so it... I don't know. I screwed up."
"We all do sometimes, Em, we all do. In the future I
suggest riding a bike to burn off some of that excess energy. Okay, Em is
going to be back to rap us out of here at the bottom of the hour, dropping
his new jam 'Peace Bomb', along with my nigga 50."
"Coming up we've got actor Johnny Depp who's gonna tell us
about blowing Hunter Thompson out of a canon - that story is gonna have you
in stitches - and David Letterman will be reading his list of the top ten
funniest things about Teddy Kennedy. But first, it's a little known fact
that the Beatles attempted a reunion back in 1972, meeting in the studio to
try to 'work it out'. The White House has obtained an exclusive copy of the
one song they completed, and boy is it a humdinger. Too bad if you're not
listening cause we're gonna burn the tape after the show. So now, put on
your listening cap and get ready to rock. Hit it, boys." |
