Friday, August 26, 2005

More Hard Luck For Jen Aniston shows the number of bad things that have happened to her so far today Jennifer Aniston, already reeling from heartache and stuff, suffered yet another setback today when an unarmed man walked into her Malibu home and didn't do anything. According to one of her servants, David Hesterbey, 48, entered the residence and said that he was "looking for Jennifer". "It was bloody awful," said Dawn Hastings, Ms. Aniston's personal assistant of nearly four months. "I mean, 'e could of been anyone, couldn't 'e now? Bleedin' Jack the Ripper for all I know. 'e 'ad eyes in his head, great big eyes, brown and everything, and 'e looked as though 'e'd been shaving. With a razor, no doubt. And the way 'e said 'e was looking for Jenny would freeze the heart of the devil 'imself. What ho, I told him, you'll have to be off with yourself. And with that, 'e was gone, but not before making fun of me blinkin' accent, the rotter." Hesterbey was apprehended a short while later, sitting on the beach. It is believed he entered the house through an open door. Aniston was in Chicago at the time, filming "The Break Up" with Vince Vaughn, but was so disturbed by the news that she will not be able to resume work until sometime next week. "It could have been me," said Aniston, her voice quavering . "It could have been me, and my bodyguard could have been out of the house buying a pack of smokes, and he could have attacked me and knocked me down, and if he had a gun maybe he would have shot me. Or worse. I can't bare to think about it." 2:48:39 PM    comment []

Feed the Wabbit Saying that there is 'a strong and valid concern that he could die before he's executed', Montgomery County Circuit Court Judge James L. Ryan has given the go-ahead to begin force feeding notorious DC sniper John Allen Muhammad. Muhammad has already been sentenced to death in Virginia, but has yet to be sentenced to death in Maryland. One of his trials, in Fairfax, Virginia, resulted only in life without parole. Additionally, the District of Columbia doesn't even have a death penalty, so why bother? "We've got a lot of extra tax dollars in the county," said Ryan, "and we've already allocated funds for this trial. If we just allowed him to die, we would be taking food out of the mouth of a lot of hungry lawyers. Hey, that's pretty ironic, don't you think?" "Yes I do," agreed State's Attorney Douglas F. Gansler. "I want to show that I can argue this case and prove Muhammad guilty again. As a matter of fact, I'm going for a guilty-as-sin verdict this time, and I want a double-golden-death penalty. Quite frankly, I'm running for office next year, and that would look great on my record." *    *    *    *    *    *    * Don't recall the uncanny legal mind of John Allen Muhammad? Then read this piece from our oldies station, Disturbed. 11:53:02 AM    comment []