Monday, August 29, 2005

Hurricane Katrina Threatens Holloway Coverage "This is just an unbelievable event," said Fox News commentator Greta Van Susteran, speaking to Fox News Commentator Eric Burns. "This is a storm of epic proportions. The situation is grim, and if it gets any grimmer, I may have to cut the coverage of Natalee tonight. They're telling me to be prepared to devote an entire segment to this stupid hurricane..." "Really?" "I kid you not, Eric. That's what they're telling me. I said that already. Perhaps it's unfair of me to call the hurricane stupid, but that's how I'm feeling at the moment. I mean, what is there to say? Where are the visuals? There's a big wind and a bunch of water. How am I supposed to get a story out of that?" "Well, I have to say, Greta, that there are those other news channels which like to run after these sensationalist stories like hurricanes and tsunamis. And if that's what people want to see, they have the freedom to watch those shows. But Fox News is the number one news channel, and I think... I know the people tune in to your show because they know they can find out the very latest thing on this sweet little lost blonde..." "I know, Eric. She's only eighteen years old. Did you know that? And many people think that she's already dead." "Do they, Greta? I know that I was going to tune in tonight to see whether there was any truth in that rumor or not." "Perhaps we'll never know, Eric. Tonight, I had planned on airing a new interview with Crystilla Plumforth, an Aruban waitress from Carlos and Charlie's who claims that the Dutch guy, Evander Holyfield, once pinched her ass, after what she says were 24 shots of Wild Turkey." "24 shots. So once again, truth is the victim." "Yes." "It's ironic, Greta. I understand, that even as we're speaking, Katrina has been downgraded to a tropical storm. Not something that we would usually spend a lot of time with" "It's true, Eric. It's just not fair... to the American people." 8:54:31 PM    comment []

John Allen Muhammad Ends Hunger Strike. Or Does He? "12:15? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Get it out of here." Convicted DC sniper John Allen Muhammad officially ended his hunger strike on Saturday, eating not one but two meals. "My captors have met all my demands," he said, "so bring on the chow." "Met all your demands," said John Allen Muhammad, mockingly. "How about your demand to be set free?" "That is in the works," replied John Allen Muhammad, picking the coleslaw off of his fish fillet sandwich. "My will is strong, and time is on my side." "They're going to fry your ass, fool," asserted John Allen Muhammad. "You must be insane to spout such a nonsensical piece of whimsy." "Ha, the fool is you," responded John Allen Muhammad. "Perhaps you do not see the logic of my ways." "Oh please do tell," laughed John Allen Muhammad. "Let me hear these mighty words of wisdom from John Allen Muhammad." "If you will hold your callous tongue, I will make it very clear to you," replied John Allen Muhammad, emitting a loud burp. "Here, would you like to finish this cheeseburger? I don't think I can eat another bite." "Not me," said John Allen Muhammad. "I happen to be on a hunger strike, unlike some people I know. Old John Allen Muhammad folded quicker than Donald Trump's wallet." "Go ahead, starve yourself," answered John Allen Muhammad. "And don't come crying to me later when the hunger pangs have you writhing on the floor." "I do not writhe," snapped John Allen Muhammad. "So tell me, fool, what is this plan of yours?" "It's very simple," explained John Allen Muhammad. "It is poetry in motion. As you may know, during my first trial I received the death penalty. That is true. But during my second trial, I received life without parole. Much better, would you not agree?" John Allen Muhammad did not respond. "Now with my new trial, my lawyer assures me I may get as little as twenty years," continued John Allen Muhammad. "You see where I am heading with this." "Yes," replied John Allen Muhammad. "You appear to be following a trail of logic which leads straight up your ass." "Shut up, fool," said John Allen Muhammad, biting lustfully into the cheeseburger of freedom. 1:34:09 PM    comment []