Friday, September 09, 2005

Michael Brown To Be Promoted Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Brown has done such an outstanding job with the Bush administration's Hurricane Katrina relief efforts that he is being promoted to a more important post, effective immediately, says Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff. "I'm not sure where it's going to be," said Chertoff, "but you can be sure that it will be right in the thick of the action." Rumors are swirling that he may become the head of the newly created Department of Homeland Toxicity. "As always, I serve at the pleasure of the president," Brown told FGAQ, "and boy, is he ever pleased. It's true that the press has been critical of my performance, but not the commander in chief. He believes in me. You should see the big box of chocolates he sent me this morning. I'm gonna gain a ton!" "It's true what they say about Brownie," Bush said during a presentation of the Medal of Freedom. "He's far too valuable to this administration to have to waste his time on hurricane duty. After all, that storm has come and gone, but the tornado of terrorism is still blowing strong, and Brownie is a man who will never be sucked up by that twisters tumultuous tyranny. Every great man has made great mistakes, present company excluded, and for Michael, the worst is yet to come." 3:18:30 PM    comment []

...or you could stay home and watch football.   Outside of a federal penitentiary, it looks like the most restrictive place to be this weekend will be the Pentagon's 911 Freedom Walk and Clint Black concert. The event will be closed to anyone who does not register on-line, giving their full name, age, home address, email address, and T-shirt size. (Yes, their t-shirt size. You get a free t-shirt, presumably whether you want one or not.) Once you register, you get a confirmation number which you must bring to Pentagon parking lot on Sunday morning. There you will be ID'd to ensure that you really are Bob and Mary Jones of 123 Elm Street. No word as to what will happen if you've provided false information. ("Not so fast, lady. It says here that your t-shirt size is a small.") If your credential are in order, you get to walk to the Mall along an undisclosed route. This is still secret for the sake of security, but back when I lived in the area, this would require crossing the Potomac River, so I'm making a wild guess that you would be walking on either the Arlington Memorial Bridge or the Roosevelt Memorial Bridge. Or swimming. The entire route will be enclosed by a four foot high snow fence, to keep the uninvited out, and, one presumes, to keep all of the participants in. And to keep it "sterile", according to the deputy assistant secretary of defense. Interpret that as you will. According to the Washington Post The U.S. Park Police will have its entire Washington force of several hundred on duty and along the route, on foot, horseback and motorcycles and monitoring from above by helicopter. Officers are prepared to arrest anyone who joins the march or concert without a credential and refuses to leave. As Sean Hannity would say, "Let Freedom Ring!" 1:35:07 PM    comment []

Everyone enjoys a good FU, and so we are pleased to pass along a nice one which aired on CNN yesterday, starring everybody's favorite veep, Dick Cheney. Crooks and Liars has the video here. 11:55:53 AM    comment []