Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Ideas Emerge Like Flying Monkeys President Bush has asked members of his cabinet to put their big brains to "the hard work of paying for my destruction of the nations economy". Bush, introducing Gail Norton, his speaker of the day, quoted remarks made by his much-better-by-comparison predecessor Ronald Reagan back in 1981. "You know, Ronnie Reagan, put it best, way back when I was still freebasing," said the highly embarrassing chief executive. "He posed the question, around the time that the national debt was approaching one trillion dollars, 'Can we, who man the ship of state, deny it is somewhat out of control?' Good question on the Gipper's part, but in reality, he had it mighty easy compared to a president by the name of George W Bush. Me, I'm working on eight trillion, and I've still got over three years left." First up in the president's 'Cavalcade of Ideas' briefings was Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton's proposal to build luxury townhouses on the grounds of National Parks. "We're starting with a trial offering of 4000+ square foot Victorians in Sequoia National Park. The view is spectacular. The prices range from half a mil to over 3 mil per unit - you know, we call those small numbers mils. But just think the great big thoughts... We're only building ten thousand initially, so assuming that we sell them all, that's nearly... a gazillion dollars. 8:05:43 PM    comment []

Stunned City Awakes To Victory Even a thorough soaking failed to bring Coach Joe Gibbs to his senses Long-suffering Washington Redskin fans arose on Tuesday morning in their traditional cranky post-game moods, convinced that yet another season was already shot to hell before they'd even seen October. Across town, sports pages were avoided like the plague, and the automobiles of fuming commuters had their radios tuned to the no-talk stations. It wasn't until nearly 10:30, after GSA employee Norman Fife received an email from a colleague in Phoenix, that news of a victory began spreading rapidly across the city. "My friend Wanda - Wanda Sykes - sent me a note saying what an exciting game it had been," said Fife, speaking from Murphy's Irish Pub, where he was enjoying four hours of 'emergency leave'. "Yeah, I said to myself, pretty exciting if you're a Cowboys fan. I mean, I watched the game up until the last five minutes, but when Dallas went up 13 - Zip, it was lights out for me. That Wanda, what a smart-ass, always rubbing it in. God, do I hate those Cowboys." Still smarting, Fife bravely decided to find out for himself how the game had ended. What he discovered shocked him. "Holy shit," he shouted, "holy freaking shit". Within moments, his cubicle was filled with gape-mouthed co-workers, staring in stunned disbelief at the words on his computer screen: 'Redskins Rally Down in Big D, Win 14-13'. Jim Baldwin, Fife's boss, announced that emergency leave would be granted for anyone who wanted it, including himself. "You better believe it," said Baldwin, who was nursing a Harp while watching ESPN highlights with Fife and a number of other employees. "We're number 1, numero uno - I can't believe it! I tell you, this has been a pretty damn depressing town for the past few years, and if we've got something to celebrate, we're going for it." 1:30:37 PM    comment []