FEMA Announces Big Paybacks
FEMA has announced plans to use taxpayer money to reimburse churches for
charitable work performed for survivors of hurricanes Katrina and Rita. The
operation, dubbed as 'Pennies From Heaven', will mark the first time that
payments have ever been made to the 'faith based community' for assisting
with disaster relief.
Many of the eligible churches feel that the offer of
payment is inappropriate. "Charitable deeds are just that - charitable
deeds," said Reverend Bob E Bonner, of the Southern Baptist North American
Mission Board. "You take the money and the act is gone."
Not all agree. The Reverend Elmer Gantry of Bridgeport
calls Bonner a bonehead. "We're in the business of preaching The Word,"
Gantry says firmly. "Not housing and feeding a bunch of wretched homeless
people. That stuff costs money and detracts from our mission.. What? You
think religion is for suckers and easy marks and molly-coddlers, eh? You
think Jesus was some kind of a sissy, hey? Well, let me tell you, Jesus
wouldn't be afraid to walk into FEMA or any other agency to ask for money.
Jesus had guts. He wasn't afraid of the whole Roman army. Let me change the
subject, as it is my prerogative to do so. Think that quarterback's hot
stuff? Well, let me tell you, Jesus would have made the best little
All-American quarterback in the history of football. Jesus was a real
fighter - the best little scrapper, pound for pound, you ever saw."
"What the hell are you talking about," we inquired.
"Hell? You speak of Hell? Sin. Sin, Sin. You're all
sinners. You're all doomed to perdition. You're all goin' to the painful,
stinkin', scaldin', everlastin' tortures of a fiery hell, created by God for
sinners, unless, unless, unless you repent. And give me fifty dollars."
FEMA also announced plans to reimburse 'at the standard
rate' all members of the 'music based community' who performed at various
Katrina relief concerts. "Just my luck," said Jimmy Buffett, one of the
lucky recipients. "I was hoping to use it as a tax write-off". |
