Fe-fe, fi-fi, fo-fo, fum
Sleazy and corrupt, vulgar and dumb
Tom Delay, that's what I say
He might be gay, that Tom Delay
He's gonna get caught
Just you wait and see -
"Why's everybody always pickin' on me"
So I'm heading up to the Hill this morning,
reading the papers. I usually just scan the Post, the Times, and the Wall
Street Journal, but with all the shit going down lately I've got one of my
girls picking up another eight or ten papers for me. You know, just cull
out the salient parts for me so I don't have to worry about surprises.
Thirty minute ride and my driver has the
radio set to WBIG, the 'Good Time Oldies' station. My favorite. Good stuff
they play - Elvis, the Beatles, a lot of the good old vocal groups. I hear
the Coasters and I ask the driver to turn it up, cause I love that
'Charlie Brown' song, and I need a little lift, you know? He just shrugs.
It takes about fifteen seconds to hit me. I
can't believe what I'm hearing. That's not the Coasters, it's some goddam
parody record and they're singing about me. That will not stand, I tell
you. Tom Delay deserves respect. This is slander, pure and simple, and
somebody is gonna pay for it.
Who walks to the House
floor, cool and slow
Who calls Nancy Pelosi a ho
It's Tom Delay, that's what
I say
He's not afraid, not Tom Delay
He'll never get caught
Even though it looks grim -
Why's everybody always picking on him?
Heh. That was pretty funny. What the hell is
this - a bipartisan parody? Jesus, this country is getting weird. I don't
even want to hear what's coming up next.
"Turn that shit off, Watkins."
Oh man, I guess I need some sleep. Watkins
is telling me he doesn't even have the radio on. That's not a good sign...
I remember the last time I heard imaginary song parodies in my head. It
was back when I used to own Albo Pest Control in Houston. All that bug
spray got to me, I guess. And then when the IRS came after me, my head
just went BLOOYEE. I'm glad I went into politics.
Yeah, yeah, disco, I hated it, but it was
operative. The ladies loved it, almost as much as they loved me. I mean,
they didn't call me 'Hot-Tub Tom' for nothing. But all those Gloria Gaynor
hallucinations...
What now? They're trying to put me away,
man, fight fight fight, they can't take down The Hammer. Yeah, hammer
time. Praise the Lord that sonofabitch didn't have a longer career. 'You
can't touch this'. How many times did I hear that joke? A million too
many, that's for sure, and now Ronnie Earle has stooped to a new low with
his brand of prosecutorial abuse. Well, Ron-boy, you can't touch
this. I'm the Intimidator. I'll squash you like a bug, burn you out like
cancer.
The Intimidator. Huh. Maybe I should have
paid more attention to NASCAR. The people love that. But screw it, I'm a
golf jockey. Hole in one. Hole in Ronnie Earle, I wish. And I wish I had
my secret service guys back. Roy Blunt, what a prick. And if he thinks
he's going to keep my job he's gonna get hammered. Sure wouldn't mind a
little help from the Prez, though, not that he's got a lot of political
capitol left. Still...
"Hey, Watkins, put on some music, would
you?"
...Just turn around Tom
Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to bleed the people dry
You're gonna crumble
You're gonna lay right down and die
You won't survive
As long as...
Oh, man, it's going to be a long day.
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