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...and now, live from the outskirts of wouldn't you
like to know you stinking infidels, the Global Islamic Media Front is
proud to present the second edition of The Voice of the Caliphate Show, with our host, the most
exalted potentate of al-Qaeda International, Osama bin Laden!
[cue: Theme from Hawaii 5-0]
[applause]
Whoa! Thank you! And thank you, Raheej, for that fabulous
introduction! We're in fabulous spirits tonight,
everybody! This is the word of truth in the face of all that is void! Now let me
hear those Lions of Allah!
[cue: 'Moo... moo... moo...']
[laughter]
In the name of all that is holy, what is that racket
Raheej?
[Raheej: 'It is the mighty lions of Zion!']
[titters]
I assure you that it is not.
May a queasy mountain yak leave a gift inside your turban.
[big laughter]
On we go. We have a lot of news tonight. This is The Voice of the
Caliphate Show, the messenger of the Mujahideen and all the many Muslims.
Our big story tonight is the kidnapping and righteous killing of Israeli Jew
spy Sasson Nuriel by our brothers in Hamas.
[cheers. 'Hamas! Hamas! Hamas!']
Right you are, Allah be praised. Nuriel was a bad man
armed with a big stick. He managed to bash 23 of our brothers in arms before
they were able to prevail. Let's watch the video.
[cue video. 'Oh... oh no... look out for that stick!...
Ouch. Don't... Ouch, ouch, ouch!... Yiii!... No, no! Point the gun the other
way!... Ooh, that's gotta hurt...']
Moving on. We have a very special guest tonight joining us
by videotape... No? What's that, Raheej? We have him on live digital feed?
Glorious! The Voice of the Caliphate show is proud to bring you the number
two guy in all of al-Qaeda, the undefeatable Ayman al-Zawahiri. How it
hanging, Aymen?
[video screen. No image. 'Hello? Hello?]
Ayman, how are conditions in the secret place where you
are currently residing? Kill any infidels, lately?]
[cue screen. Vague snowy image. 'Osama... Is that you? All
I'm getting on my end is unendurable static...']
Bah... technical difficulties... But we shall not despair.
Instead we shall take this opportunity to hear a word from this weeks sponsor,
SimplyIslam.com. Give me those lions, Raheej!
[cue. 'Moo... moo... moo...']
Raheej!
[cue. 'This is Sami Yusef and I've got a question for you
- have you finished your Ramadan shopping yet? Yes, it's that time of year,
and if you're in a quandary for a present, we strongly implore you to log
into SimplyIslam.com and take a gander at our large selection of holiday
gifts. Specials? It's our annual four for three sale. How about this - buy
three Ahmed Deedat DVDs and get the fourth one free! Buy three Zakir Naik
DVDs and get the fourth one free, including the smash two disk set ' Is
Non-Vegetarian Food Permitted Or Prohibited For A Human Being?' Stock up on
our high quality hijabs in all the latest colors. You guessed it - buy three
and...]
...sorry, Ayman, the signal is dead... No, I know you
don't like me to call you on your cell phone... Well... Hey, I'm just trying
to be considerate. I didn't want to leave you waiting around in the middle
of Tuz Kuhr... Oh, we're back?
Welcome back to The Voice of the Caliphate Show, where we
present the word of truth in the face of all that is void! We're sorry, but
our special guest al-Zawahiri had to run. From an large ugly pack of infidel
devils!
[Raheej: 'How ugly were they?']
The infidels were so ugly that their mothers used to feed
them with slingshots.
[laughter]
And now it's time for our 'Once Around the World' segment.
In Afghanistan, there was another successful suicide
bombing this week, where a Taliban bomber drove his motorbike into a
group of Afghans aboard their armored bus in Kabul. One person was killed.
[muttering]
In the United States of Satan there is much sorrow as the
ineffective Hurricane Stan dissipates over Mexico without as much as blowing
the roof off a single infidel dwelling. What sort of name is Stan for a
hurricane, anyway? And yet there is hope that Allah will lend his strength
to the ferociously named tropical storm Tammy and guide it toward the
mainland. Experts call this scenario unlikely, but one can always hope.
[grumbles]
And finally, from London, infernal noise maker Mick
Jagger is denying rumors that his unbetrothed whore L'Wren Scott is causing
a rift within the Rolling Stones by demanding the other members quit
smoking. What an insolent woman! Worthy of stoning if you ask me. Jagger
said that 'she's not doing a Yoko'. We regret to say that we don't know what
that means.
[sounds of confusion]
Well, that's all the time we've got today on The Voice of
the Caliphate Show. Join us again next week for truth in the face of all that
is void! Now, give me those lions, Raheej!
[cue] Moo... moo... moo...
[applause] |
