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British Scientists Discover Cure For Avian Flu
British scientists today announced that they had developed
an effective defense against the Avian Flu, which had been predicted to kill
up to half the world's population during the 2006-2007 flu season. They
caution, however, that the vaccine, which would need to be administered to
chickens and ducks before a widespread outbreak took place, was still in the
experimental phase, and that "there are still several variables which will
need to be worked out."
FGAQ spoke to Bernard Pennyforth about these problems.
Pennyforth is, of course, the brilliant biologist behind the Biltwerst
Project, about which the less said the better.
"Professor Pennyforth, this is a marvelous discovery that
your group has made, and I don't believe that I'd be remiss in saying that
the world owes you an enormous debt of gratitude. I'm sure that whatever
difficulties you've encountered so far can be rather quickly overcome."
"I'm afraid there's one rather enormous problem that has
us stumped."
"Really. And what enormous problem would that be?"
"Well, if you can try and imagine 3,000 pounds of lean,
mean, clucking machine, flying at speeds of up to ninety miles an hour,
you'll begin to grasp one of our initial difficulties."
"My God! That's an enormous chicken!"
"Yes... yes it is..."
"Still, there must be certain advantages to such a
gargantuan fowl..."
"Mmm... not really anything I can think of off the top of
my head... They don't have the intelligence to take over the world. I
suppose that's an advantage of sorts..."
"Perhaps you've been spending too much time in the
laboratory, Professor Pennyforth. Don't these enormous chickens provide the
solution to ending world hunger? I mean, one egg would feed a village!"
"They don't lay eggs, not as we know them."
"What do you..."
"Please don't ask."
"How about the meat?"
"What meat? They're all skin and bones. And the spot of
meat that you do get off them isn't really fit to eat."
"Oh, surely it can't be all that bad."
"It's bloody awful! The taste would tend to remind you of... mmm..."
"Chicken?"
"No, not like chicken. A little more bland and nasty than
that... they taste more like... oh, my... what's that stuff?"
"Tofu?"
"Oh heavens no. Tofu would be a definite improvement, I'll
tell you what. It has a much worse taste than any tofu. These are unsavory
chickens. No, they taste like... uh, what's that word?"
"Crap?"
"Yeah, that's it. They really taste like crap. And all the
other scientists, present company included, are saying 'Blimey! What the
John Jackson are we going to do with this? It's bleedin' awful'."
"Maybe if you used the right combination of herbs and
spices?"
"No, the chicken is just dreadful. We've had our top chefs
working on it, along with emissaries from the great kitchens of China and
France. No bloody good. I'm afraid you just can't hold it down, not even
with a nice glass of Chablis."
"So you're not optimistic?"
"No, at this point I say we'll just take our chances with
the flu." |
Morris
is also the author of the less than best seller 'Condi vs. Hillary: The Next
Great Presidential Race', a book whose meager sales have been dropping
rapidly since Rice announced that she was "not considering a bid for the
White House. No way. Uh uh. Not gonna do it. Nyet. Negatori. Zero
possibility. Forget about it."