Rice to Congress: Stop Your Whining
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice,
responding yesterday at a hearing in front of the Senate Foreign
Relations Committee, reasserted the Cheney claim that the US could be
in Iraq for more than another decade. She also discussed the possibility of
expanding the conflict to Iran and Syria, stating that Bush would not need
to seek permission from congress to do so. ''I don't want to try and
circumscribe presidential war powers," Rice stated. ''I think you'll
understand fully that the president retains those powers in the war on
terrorism and in the war in Iraq."
''Under the Iraq War Resolution, we restricted any
military action to Iraq," noted Senator Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island.
"What's your point, fat boy" responded Rice, putting on
her mean face and jabbing a finger deeply into Chafee's chest. "You think we
need to ask permission from the likes of you? If you guys had any balls at
all, you would have stopped us long ago. Instead you've chosen to sit at the
children's table. I suggest the lot of you get back to what you do best...
investigating steroids."
"Hey, don't push my buddy around," shouted Senator George
Voinovich of Ohio. "He's got a heart condition. And besides, he was just
trying to make a point."
"Just trying to make a point? I've got your point
right here, Voinobitch. Come on, beg for it."
"I'm so embarrassed by my colleagues, Madame Secretary,"
interjected Senator Barbara Boxer, ever the peace maker. "These gentleman
are awfully rude, and I'm sure, in private countenance, that they would
agree that they have not shown the proper respect that a personage such as
yours most surely..."
"Shut up. Or make your point and then shut up."
"Ahem. It's just that these boys, they're sick at heart at
the spin and false expectations. They want the truth, and they deserve it.
Please."
"More."
"Pretty please."
"More."
"Pretty please with sugar on top."
"No."
"I've go a chart..."
"She's got a chart! Praise the Lord, she's got a chart!
Somebody notify the press! Oh, wait, the press are here - they're just so
insubstantial that I hardly ever notice them anymore. Everybody, let's all
gather round and take a look at the pretty chart. It's showtime, Barbie."
"Well, this box here represents the vice president. I
apologize if it's too small to read, but the text in the box says "the
insurgency is in it's last throws..."
"That should be t-h-r-o-e-s."
"...'last throes'. Now this line, which comes out of the
box and extends all the way to the circle which I've labeled 'the future',
is a timeline. And each perpendicular line represents a violent attack that
has..."
"Hahahahahaha... That's the worst chart I think I've ever
seen. Good lord, girl, you should hire yourself an intern or something. Quit
getting stuck on stupid. A political solution was not going to be born
overnight in Iraq."
''That's not what you told America and that's not what
you told this committee."
"If it's not the honorable John F Kerry, loser at large. I
was wondering when you were going to show your distinguished head, Senator
Botox."
"That time is now."
"Good enough. And your position of moral certitude is
going to be what? That you voted for the war, voted to refund it, voted to
refund it again, and again, and now you're bored with your little
plaything?"
"Not at all. I just..."
"Not at all, what?"
"Not at all, Madame Secretary. I just want... gosh darn
it, I just want to see some kind of timetable, that's all. Please."
"More."
"Pretty please."
"More."
"I am not going to get into some sick display of
obsequiousness, unlike some senators I could name. It is you, Ms. Rice, who
is appearing in front of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, not the
other way around."
"That's not the sort of talk that's going to get you a
timetable."
"Oh, all right. Pretty please with sugar on top."
"No."
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