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Cheney: America's Torture Skills Declining
Vice President Dick Cheney made his first public
appearance since 2003 last night, appearing on the CBS news show 60 Minutes
to lament the nation's declining status as a source of torture. "Freedom's
just another word for nothing left to loose," Cheney told a befuddled Ed
Bradley. "And a man without an arm forgets he has no shoes."
Cheney stated that American standards of torture are
quickly falling behind the rest of the civilized world. "India, Pakistan,
Saudi Arabia, the list goes on and on, and the United States is swiftly
becoming a footnote. Waterboarding, are you kidding me? Tying Ali to a door
and throwing it into a swimming pool is supposed to be torture? Try using
some imagination, people. Sulphuric acid, now that's a pain that's going to
linger. Economical, too. You know, for years now, it's been the conventional
wisdom that it's always good practice to attach electrodes to a prisoner's
balls. But the sniveling snots in congress have proposed a budget which cuts
the country's electrode allotment by some forty percent over the next five
years."
During the seventeen minute segment, the vice president
also denied rumors that he had gone insane, and had agreed to do the
interview for the sole purpose of killing Bradley. The remarkable exchange
came after Cheney made a slitting motion across his throat and proclaimed
"Torture, torture - it pleasures me!"
"So I suppose you might, for example, enjoy killing me,"
Bradley stated. "As a matter of fact, some might suggest this is your only
reason to agree to this interview today."
"Kill you myself?, asked Cheney, flashing an evil grin.
"No. I have my zombies for this. Incredible, isn’t it?"
"But how can you do this?" asked an incredulous Bradley.
"I’ve put inside their brains a small capsule which
maintains the life of certain senses," Cheney explained. "They can move
their limbs and hear. I haven’t yet been able to make them see or speak, but
I will with time."
"I think we're getting off topic here, but nevertheless
you've aroused my curiosity. Why do they obey you?"
"Their brain capsules receive impulses from my brain."
"All righty, then. Hypnotism of the dead!?"
"Why not, Bradley? If you can do it with the living who have a will, why not
with the dead?"
"So you're advocating torture, really, as a method to achieve death, as a
means to increase, if you will, the country's zombie supply. That certainly
would sound insane to many people around the nation. What do you intend to
do?"
"Nothing. My goals are purely scientific. That’s why I went after Saddam. He
was a megalomaniac and wanted to form an army. Can you imagine what an army
like that would be? – insensible to pain, without material wants or
emotions, and blind obedience?"
"So now you're saying that your rationale for military action against Iraq
was an attempt to prevent the country from developing a super army of
zombies? Mister vice president, I hope that you don't mind me saying that my
credulity is stretched a bit thin here. Why did you kill the others?"
"I assure you I’m the first to regret it, but things became very
complicated…."
* * *
Dialogue gleefully stolen from 'Orgy
of the Dead'
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