Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Meeting With Dalai Lama Turns Ugly President Bush and Mister Lama, moments before the meltdown. Tempers flared today during a White House meeting between the 14th manifestation of Avalokiteshvara, the enlightened Buddha of compassion, and the 2nd manifestation of President Bush, the nescient Nabob of remorselessness. Their talk was initially without incident, as the man Tibetan followers refer to as Yeshe Norbu talked about Chinese repression in the Tibetan Autonomous Region, while the president nodded his head sagely and visually scanned the room in search of Barney. Noting the president's apparent lack of interest, Yeshe Norbu changed the subject, expressing his dismay at the administration's proclivity for heavy handed tactics. The meeting quickly spiraled out of control. At one point during their seven minute encounter, Bush threatened to knock the Dalai Lama's "stupid glasses right off your smug little face". His Holiness responded with a karate chop to the President's right knee. "Ow, ow," yelped the president. "That's my bad knee, you son of a bitch. Now I'm not going to be able to bike for a week". "You have brought this misfortune upon yourself, George Bush," replied Yeshe Norbu. "You threatened me with physical violence, and I have given you a life lesson". "Well, I'm gonna give you an ass lesson," said Bush, furiously pressing his special Secret Service button. "I'm gonna have my guys kick you to the curb." "A futile desire, George Bush. I have willed your little alarm into silence, and shall now calmly take my leave." "Yeah, well, don't let the door hit you on the... damn. How did he get out of the room so fast?" 3:37:46 PM    comment []

Schwarzenegger: Defeat Was 'Teeny Weenie' "This diamond could balance the entire budget!" Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger pooh-poohed the defeat of his four budget propositions in what amounted to the most expensive special election in California history. "Ah, it is not such a big defeat in the overall scheme of things," said Schwarzenegger, who spent seven million of his own cash promoting the initiatives. "And it is not as though it were a referendum on me, Arnold. I tell you, the citizens of California look a the insane expenditures of the federal government and ask themselves, why can't we spend like crazy monkeys too?" "It was a good proposition, though, that proposition 76. I went through seventy-five other propositions before I came up with that one. Ah, well, no use crying over spilt milk. It was just a teeny weenie defeat." "My defeat at the hands of Bruce Wayne, now that was a real defeat," said Schwarzenegger, referring to his role as Dr. Victor Fries in the odious 'Batman and Robin'. "Certainly it can be argued that Mr. Freeze had his fate sealed by the caped crusader, but I tell you this, he really died by the hand of that accursed director Joel Schumacher. Bah! He should never be let near a studio again. George Clooney running around in that ludicrous nipple suit with his homosexual sidekick, and my noble character reduced to uttering lines like 'You're not sending me to the cooler!' That, my friend, is utter defeat." 10:44:07 AM    comment []