Thursday, November 17, 2005

"We're going to continue throwing their own words back at them" Returning from an emergency trip to the dentist this afternoon, Vice President Dick Cheney was 'chomping at the bit' to get back into battle with the scurrilous traitors who would 'rewrite history through the fun house mirror of their belated pernicious insights into the nature of so-called reality'. "Whatever you do, don't link to 'Iraq on the Record'," said Cheney, still whistling enamel shards out of his mouth. "It's lies, double lies, goddamn lies, and triple bee-sting-lies. Plus, they're trying to throw our own words back at us. They should just go fuck themselves." The veep is still in possession of several molars which did not splinter during his earlier storm of righteous indignation. "I can still gnaw a good piece of filet," said the vice president. The veep then started to weep. "Ouch. Pardon me... my teeth are hurting... The idea that you could just link to a bunch of out so-called lies, and could search by topic, or, I don't know, a crybaby list, or even... an administration official, or just a bunch of bull-hockey like 'nuclear capability' is just too obscene to mention, so I won't. I, for one, think that retards who think for themselves will be seen as just that - retards who think for themselves... Ohhh... Goddamit, I think I've lost an incisor."   7:53:27 PM    comment []

Woodward Apologizes Hotshot Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward apologized today for telling what he called 'a big fat lie' about his knowledge of Valerie Plame's CIA credentials. "I guess I just wanted to be cool," said Woodward, staring forlornly at a stale cup of Starbucks House Blend. "I just... It's hard, you know? I mean, everybody got leaked to. Judith Miller, Tim Russert, even that idiot Novak. And nobody told me anything. Absolutely nothing." "I figured I'd just be like, 'Oh that's old news. Tell me something I don't know'. But it was all a sham. I am sorry." 3:16:48 PM    comment []

Vice President in Dental Disaster Speaking at the Frontiers of Freedom Institute 2005 Ronald Reagan Gala last night, Vice President Dick Cheney became so angry that his teeth shattered, leaving him writhing in pain in front of a stunned audience who had come to honor retired Sen. Malcolm Wallop. "Unlike many of today's lawmakers," Cheney began, "Malcolm was a Senator who packed a real wallop." After polite laughter, Cheney launched into a tirade about irresponsible politicians, liberal pundits, and naughty citizens who are currently engaged in a vile campaign to rewrite history. "It used to be that in Washington you could rely on some basic measure of truthfulness and good faith in the conduct of political debate. Used to be, that's the operative phrase. Used to be you could get a Pepsi for a nickel. Not any more. In the last several weeks we have seen a wild departure from that tradition. And I'm pissed, big time." "The outrageously insane suggestion that's been made by some so-called US senators that the president of the United States or the vice president or any member of this administration purposely misled the American people on pre-war intelligence is one of the most dishonest and reprehensible charges ever aired in this city. And I'm angry. I'm more pissed than Ted Kennedy at an Irish pub on ladies night." "Some of the most clearly lunatic anti-American irresponsible comments have, as you might have fucking guessed it, come from politicians who actually voted in favor of authorizing force against Saddam Hussein. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. You might recognize that as a quote from the movie 'Network', which was about a man who was as mad as hell and decided not to take it anymore. Well, that man is me." "The saddest and most maddening part is that our people in uniform have been subjected to these cynical and pernicious falsehoods day in and day out. Lies! And now the Rockettes are on strike! I'm pig-bitin' mad! Ahrooo!" "I tell you, I'm as mad as John Kerry during a Botox shortage. The president and I cannot prevent certain politicians from losing their memory, or their backbone - but we're not going to sit by and let them rewrite history anymore! That's our goddamn job!" "I'm about to explode! We're going to continue throwing their own words back at them. And far more... mmmphh... JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! MY GODDAMN CHOPPERS!!! AIYEEE!!! AAAGGGHH!!! AAAGGGHH!!!" After a brief intermission, the audience was treated to the song stylings of country music singer Martina McBride. 11:34:31 AM    comment []