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Shtick at the Top
Fox News announced today that Bill O'Reilly's highly rated
cable talk show is adding a new feature that will feature some of his
renowned comedic stylings. "It's a no-brainer, as Bill would say," said
network spokesman Sam Peterson. "We envision it as being along the lines of
Seinfeld, where his opening comments, or I should say stand-up, give a
foreshadowing of what's to come during the rest of the show". -
Variety 11/18/05
Good Evening, ladies and germs, and welcome to the No Spin
Zone's latest feature, 'Shtick at the Top', where I'll be giving a comical
spin to all the latest happenings. 'Oh, really?', you say. No, O'Reilly.
Today's laughing point is Hell. "What fresh hell is this?"
was a famous line that radical feminist Dorothy Parker frequently used when
answering her telephone. Shtick at the Top has learned that while there are
pay phones in hell, they will only accept Susan B Anthony dollars. So good
luck to all of the damned.
Speaking of the damned, the AP is now reporting that
liberal goofball Senator John Murtha has died and gone to hell. Those of us
at the Laughing Point are always sorry to hear that any politician, no
matter how radical, has been cast into the pit of fire, but in this case,
perhaps it is justified. To those who would point out that Murtha was twice
wounded in battle at Vietnam, we can only say that true heroes die on
the battlefield.
Our sources inform us that Satan himself was there
at the gates of Hell to greet Murtha. The Pennsylvania senator was informed
that he could have his choice of three work assignments, and that the person
whose assignment he elected to take would have another chance to redeem
themselves on the planet Earth. All in all, not a bad deal for a man who
would attempt to embarrass a sitting president during war time.
Murtha was taken into the first of three rooms, where he
encountered Uday and Qusay Hussein, sticking pitchforks into the
hides of forelorn Iraqi citizens, who were serving time in hell because they
had not accepted the Christian faith. He protested to Satan that he
could not perform this task because he did not believe in torture, even
when it's purpose was to save his fellow countrymen.
Satan, being the prince of darkness - sorry Ozzy, but this
is the real deal - chuckled and took him to the second room where he
encountered a man sitting in front of a 386 computer with Windows 95 and no
internet connectivity. There was no coffee in the room. Muthra was
told that this man, Bill Nelson, was required to spend twenty-four hours a
day trying to write a computer program which would track the movement of all
sexual predators set free by activist judges in all of the thirty-eight
states that had not yet passed legislation as severe or stronger than
'Jessica's Law'. As Murtha watched, Nelson's computer froze up and he
had to reboot it once again. Even though Murtha's heart went out to the
miserable man, and he would have liked to give him another chance on earth,
he had no computer training and thus had to decline the job.
Satan laughed satanically, which is so often the case.
Finally, they entered the third room, where Murtha was surprised to see
disgraced former president William Jefferson Clinton. The ex-prez
was drinking a martini and smoking a Cuban cigar while receiving a blow job
from Monica Lewinsky. The former Commander-in-Briefs was so
enthralled that he didn't even notice the two walk into the room.
Needless to say, Murtha thanked his lucky stars.
Attempting to disguise his glee, he turned to Beelzebub and told them that
if he had to take one of the chores, this would be the one. You could almost
hear the gears whirling in his traitorous head.
And then Satan, being exactly the sort of traitorous devil
which his reputation implies, turned to the couple and said, "Okay, Monica,
looks like you've got your second chance".
That's it for tonight's 'Shtick at the Top' segment. How
about that website - www dot billoreilly dot com. We'll be right back with
tonight's impact segment, 'Surrender in the Senate'. |
