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Martha-Ann Bomgardner Driven to Tears
Orrin Hatch focuses on Bomgardner's ass with a wide
angle lens
Day two of the Samuel Alito confirmation hearings got
extremely rambunctious, with charges of grandstanding and misbehavior being
flung around the senate hearing room like plastic bananas in a sewer full of
starving chimps. As the day roared forward like Greg Bifle's #16 red Ford
Taurus with Bobby Labonte's Pontiac hot on his tail, it became crystal clear
that a massive pileup was straight around the bend.
Things got ugly early, with Ted Kennedy telling Arlen
Specter that he might just be inclined to subpoena records relating to
Alito's membership in the notorious 'Princeton Club'. Aside from torturing
young girls, the Concerned Alumni of Princeton (CAPU
- pronounced kapoo) were also responsible for
'Prospect', a magazine that featured tortured Regan-era political porn
like this:
"People nowadays just don't seem to know their place.
Everywhere one turns, blacks and Hispanics are demanding jobs simply
because they're black and Hispanic. The physically handicapped are trying
to gain equal representation in professional sports. And homosexuals are
demanding the government vouchsafe them the right to bear children."
"Ah hahaha," said Alito, "that is some very bad prose
indeed, even for the slackers at CAPU, which I almost forgot that I had
joined, or why, and I racked my mind, and the only thing I can come up with
is ROTC, yeah, that's it, the liberals didn't want ROTC on campus, but that
deprived me of my right to take it, which was not fair and just, and the
CAPUpers supported me all the way. So, back off boogaloo, and give Mahoney
the news."
"Who's Mahoney," queried Spector.
"I'm sorry senator," replied Alito, "but I am not going to
comment on a matter that I may be called upon to analyze in the future. That
would be unfair to Mahoney as well as the nation itself."
Noticing that Alito's wife, Martha-Ann Bomgardner, was
beginning to look a bit stressed by the hearings, the mischievous Lindsey
Graham decided the time was right to do his imitation of a Democrat. "Are
you a bigot?" he asked in an effective redneck growl. "I asked you a
question, sonny Jim, I asked if you was a bigot. Hey, Martha Ann, blink once
if your old man is a bigot. HA! I saw a blink. What you got to say, boy -
you a bigot? Cause I don't like me no bigots, and I'm thinking you might
just be one of them closet bigots. Your old lady told me you was one."
With this, Bomgardner fled the room in a trail of tears,
leaving the room in turmoil as lawmakers erupted into fiery debate over who
had been the volcanic force for the lady's loss of composure. Was it the
Democrats, or Republicans imitating Democrats, or is it simply Yuki-onna,
Goddess of Tears? Whatever the case, Lindsey Graham got all the credit.
Not to be outdone, Senator Kennedy was fully prepared by
the time Bomgardner made her return a quarter hour later. For five long
minutes Kennedy talked about 'stare decisis', lulling the other senators
into a trance-like state before introducing his 'very special guest
questioner', Mister Blackwell, creator of the Worst Dressed list.
"Pleased to meet you, Mister Alito," the ancient
fashionista began. "You know, I think I'm going to have to bump Britney down
to number two on my list; it seems I need to make room for your wife! Bada
bing. But seriously... Do you pick out your wife's clothes, Mister Alito? Do
you? It's important that we know. Because I wouldn't even wear that dress to
escape Hurricane Katrina."
Kennedy was declared winner of the first round after
Bomgardner took nearly twenty-five minutes to return. Today's match-up will
feature Senator Orrin Hatch, who intends to question Alito about the Army's
new X-ray camera (and whether it's use on civilians is a violation of
privacy); and Senator Dianne Feinstein, who will be asking Alito 'just what
kind of a man brings his wife to a job interview'.
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