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Letters from the Secret Personnel File of Jose Padillo
After the U.S. military invaded Afghanistan to oust its
Taliban rulers, authorities found a locker full of applications to join al
Qaeda's holy war overseas. Among the alleged applicants: José Padilla, the
former ''enemy combatant'' who once lived in Broward County. -
Jay Weaver at
Miami Herald
| Dear Mr. Padilla,
Thank you so very much for your interest in the al-Qaeda
network. We are always in search of quality recruits, and look forward
to the opportunity of learning more about you in the coming weeks and
months. In the next week to ten days, you will be receiving our complete
application package. Please return it at your convenience.
Sincerely,
Ahem par-Donmi
al-Qaeda, HR Dept. |
| Dear Mr. Padilla,
Thank you very much for the prompt return of your
application packet for al-Qaeda employment. I have forwarded it to our
personnel office for evaluation and ranking.
Perhaps you somehow missed the note on the cover
letter which said that we needed copies of all school transcripts. I
tell you in all sincerity that al-Qaeda takes great pride in recruiting
only the finest terrorists in the world, and education is a key
component in this process.
Sincerely,
Ahem par-Donmi
al-Qaeda, HR Dept.
p.s. - Although we do try to gear our assignments to
our employees' desires, I regret to inform you that we have operations
based in neither Cancun or Cozumel. Perhaps we could arrange for you to
meet with our Mexico City cell if your transcripts show enough promise
with Spanish. |
| Dear Mr. Padilla,
You do raise a good point when you mention that having
been locked up in juvenile detention so frequently, "of course i ain't
got no fucking high school transcript". Thank you for sending us your
police record in lieu of the requested document. It is quite impressive,
and does support your claim to have experience in wide range of areas.
One question, if you don't mind - were there ever any crimes that you
were not caught at? I'm sure there must have been plenty.
Even though your name is Jose, we did not initially
realize that you were Hispanic, since you had listed Chicago as your
home town. Well, that answers our question about speaking Spanish. Am I
to understand that you speak some English as well? That would certainly
be a plus.
We will be back in touch with you after we have
completed contacting your references.
Sincerely,
Ahem par-Donmi
al-Qaeda, HR Dept.
p.s. - Do not concern yourself over your inability to
grow a beard. It is not mandatory, and should you ever need one for a
mission, you will soon learn why al-Qaeda's own Abu Fukowi is
known as 'master of disguises'. |
| Dear Jose,
Congratulations on your selection to the newest group of al-Qaeda
recruits. We are very proud to welcome you aboard. Within the next two
weeks you will be receiving Afghan travel information, you al-Qaeda
pocket manual, a variety of study guides, and a quick easy take-at-home
test, which will help us determine what functional area you best fit in.
Once again, congratulations. I look forward to
personally meeting you at the summer banquet.
Praise Allah
Osama bin Laden
al-Qaeda, CEO |
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