Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Threat No More Californians will be resting easier tonight following the erasure of one of the golden state's scariest monsters, rabid Redskin hit-man employer, eventy-six year old blind cripple, Clarence Ray Allen. Allen may have been only the second oldest guy ever to be executed in the United States, but he sounds like number one in terms of bad health. Aside from being blind and crippled, he also had diabetes and chronic heart disease. He last had a heart-attack in September, after which he petitioned prison officials to let him die if he went into cardiac arrest prior to his execution, a request the authorities denied. ''At no point are we not going to value the sanctity of life," said prison spokesman Vernell Crittendon. ''We would resuscitate him." "The sanctity of life - that's a good one, isn't it," laughed deputy assistant warden Floyd Benson. "I don't know why we always say that - the papers like to hear it, I guess. The bottom line is that these guys on death row have a job to do, and that job is to die. And no, it is a job, it is not a hobby, you can't just die anytime you feel like it, you've got to die on time, on schedule. It's a very precise thing. What did our press release say - 'Clarence Ray Allen, Execution by lethal injection, San Quentin, Tuesday 12:01 AM'. That's pretty clear, pretty exacting. None of this 'Hey, we're gonna kill some dude on Tuesday. Come on by the prison. Eightish'." In spite of his deteriorating health, Allen was still seen as a major threat on the prison yard. At least three guards claim to have been dismissed after Allen uttered Choctaw Indian heebie jeebie curses at them, causing them to smoke a joint in the engineering room against their will. And some inmates whisper warily amongst themselves about late night pudding thefts. Recently, administrative assistant Sandy Stevens was the victim of a physical attack. "I was taking a memo up to the chief of Food Services, when suddenly I see this old madman barreling down the hallway at full speed. His wheelchair had to be going, I don't know, thirty-five or forty miles an hour, way too fast for a prison corridor. As he approached me, he swerved and ran over my foot before I had a chance to move. It really hurt. And all I could think of was what would have happened if this had been a highway rather than a corridor and a ten ton truck instead of a wheelchair. I'd be dead now, that's what." Allen was sentence to death in 1982. Monday was his 24th birthday on death row. His last meal included Kentucky Fried Chicken and black walnut ice cream, and his final words were 'Hoka Hey it's a good day to die'. 10:56:22 AM    comment []

Hey, Gore, pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the goddamn phone. Oh, uh, whoops... no wonder... you there, Gore? .....Well howdy your own self. Let's skip the formalities... Listen, you know why I'm calling? ...not funny, wise guy, and I don't care what your president did on the phone... Oh yeah, well I'm your president now... What? Shut your filthy Al Gore mouth... Yeah? You and what army? ...Hey buddy boy, I don't think you know how thin the line is between my fist and your nose... Hello? Hello? ...Damn. Hey, Gore, pick up the phone. Pick up the... Howdy your self. Listen, you got some kind of nerve coming out and saying that I broke the law and need to be probed. I'll come over and probe you........ Huh? What do you mean I'd probably enjoy that? ...what? Why, you dirty dirty Al Gore, you. You talk that way in front of Tipper? ...what? Oh you are a vile little man, Al Gore. I ought to... Hello? Hello? Ah... There ought to be a law against hanging up on the president during war time. Hey, Gore, pick up... What? Mario's Pizza? No... no, I don't have a coupon... No... Sorry... Wrong number. Come on, Gore, pick up the dang phone. Will you... It's you. I figured out your little joke... Sayin you were a pizza place... Yes you did... Because I didn't dial it, I just hit redial... Well, don't believe me, then... Look, we're firing up the press. We're putting out the word that you're a big hypocrite.... You bet we are. I'm rubber and you're glue. Everything that we do, that other president did first.... Did too... Tony G told me all about it. Spy and lie, spy and lie... So don't go pointing your finger at me, Mister Beardface, I'll... What? You shaved it off? What? A year ago? But my intelligence guys... they uh... well, your picture still has a beard on it... Yeah. I'm looking at it now.... Yeah, I guess they're not real good at their work... Yours weren't either? So it's not just me... Boy, that's a relief, kind of. I mean, I don't like the fact that our intelligence is hurting big time, but I do feel a lot better about myself.... Yep. Yep. Thanks, and forget about that media blitz. We'll save that for another day. 2:05:31 AM    comment []