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Who's Inside Your Pocket?
Well, there you go. With a
little hard work and perseverance, any little business can make the highest
annual profits in American history. Exxon Mobil
today reported 2005 profits of 36 billion and change, up 43% from last
year.
"We just worked extra super hard
this year," said CEO Rex Tillerson. "Drill drill drill, refine refine
refine, our guys were like a bag full of bees on meth. I think this year
maybe we'll kick back a little. Heh heh, just kidding, got to make hay while
the sun shines."
"Let me just do a shout-out to
all our buds in Washington. We're blessed to have leadership in this country
that understands the energy industry, and chooses to leave us unfettered.
Because truth be told, a fettered company is an inefficient company. Free
market, and all that."
In
honor of this noteworthy accomplishment, FGAQ is pleased to reprint this
classic piece.
The following is
a rerun from June 2005
President Bush spoke briefly to
members of the press this morning to tout his meeting with Turkish Prime
Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, but the meeting soon spun out of control when
the President verbally clashed with one of the reporters.
Bush opened things up on a
jovial note by offering a rack of ribs to the first person who could spell
Erdogan's name correctly. The winner was Reuters White House correspondent
Steve Holland, who became visibly angry when Bush told him that he was just
joking about the ribs. He retaliated by asking the president about the now
famous
Downing Street Memo.
"Isn't this the smoking gun, Mr.
President," he asked snidely. "Isn't this the proof that you misled the
American people about the reason for going to war? Huh? Huh?"
"You watch the tone of your
voice, Stretch. About that memo - it's nothing but a piece of trash. Nothing credible
in it. Just
a ploy by the political opposition to damage the reputation of my boy Tony. Next topic and
next question."
"I demand another question."
"You're shit out of luck. Smitty?"
"I'm donating my question to
Holland."
"Ha ha, Mister President,
now answer
me this. What's all this brouhaha about your aide Cooney - who we know for a
fact used
to be a lobbyist for the American Petroleum Institute -
altering environmental reports to make it look like greenhouse gasses
weren't a factor in global warming? What do you have to say about them
apples?"
"I say that I just got handed a
note by my boy Scotty here that says that the only reason you asked the
first question was to try to collect the thousand dollar reward offered by
Democrats.com for
embarrassing the president, that's what I've got to say, you crumb bum. What
you got to say?"
"I say that's pretty big talk
coming from the same sleazeball who backed out of signing the
Kyoto treaty
because ExxonMobil told him it would be bad for business. Ha! Now top that
one."
"I heard your
wife is doing the nasty with Helen Thomas. Now get the hell out of my White
House."
"Give me my
ribs!"
"I'll have my
boys break your ribs. Now out. Everybody out. Press conference
dismissed."
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