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Dick Cheney's Nice Day
"It's a wonderful experience
to be greeted by such warmth by the leaders of our great state. It's
especially true when you've had a very long week." - 2/17/06 Dick
Cheney, for some reason speaking to the Wyoming State Legislature
Dick Cheney certainly had a nice
day today, I must say. Not at all like the living hell that he had lived
through the rest of the week. He woke up in his mansion this morning as an
unwanted man. There will be no charges in his shooting mishap.
"Hellfire," said officer Gil
Miguel, who filed the report, "I only make $23,000 a year, and that's before
taxes and social security, thank you very much. No problems here, this was
all an innocent mix-up, Mister Cheney didn't do anything wrong except get a
little sun in his eyes. Move along, there's nothing to see... You think I
want to wake up and read in the paper that I've been selling crack to twelve
year olds?"
Later in the morning, Cheney was
cheered when he heard the assistant president grade his
performance as satisfactory. Speaking to reporters following a meeting
with President Alvaro Uribe of Colombia, Bush said, "Uribe. That's a heck of
a funny name. Heh. But about the vice president, this is a man who likes the
outdoors, and he likes to hunt. Me too. I'm down with that. I like to hunt
fish and he likes to hunt birds. And he heard a bird flushed, and he turned
and pulled the trigger and old Harry never knew what hit him. What the heck.
He's lucky he still has his head attached to his neck."
To celebrate this sudden
reversal of fortune, the Senate decided that there would be no investigation
of NSA domestic surveillance. Majority Leader Frist explained "It's just one
less thing Dick will have to worry about this weekend. And after all the
unfair treatment he's received this week, I'm glad we could make this
happen."
Then Cheney found a penny on the
floor of the Executive Office Building. Not just any penny, but a rare,
uncirculated 1909-S VDB, long known as the Cadillac of pennies. "My stars,"
said Cheney, "this must have fallen out of Ted Kennedy's pocket." Indeed it
had, but Cheney invoked 'finders keepers privilege'.
Then off he was rushed to Air
Force 2, where he loosened his shoes and watched a satellite feed from FOX,
in which Harry Whittington apologized for all the trouble he had caused by
diving in front of Cheney's quail. "My family and I are deeply sorry for all
that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past
week. Due to my inconsideration, this poor man has been distracted, however
briefly, from the war on terror. And for that, I'm deeply apologetic."
"As long as he's sorry," said
Cheney.
Cheney's final stop for the day
was at the Wyoming House, where he was given a standing ovation by the
legislators just because he's a pretty swell guy. There he gave a very
pleasant speech on water privatization, which was interrupted briefly for
the announcement of the winning Powerball numbers. Cheney unfolded a piece
of paper and smiled. "It's been a good day," he said. "A choice one."
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