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Bush Unveils
New Initiative; Some Scientists Skeptical
President Bush flew to Golden,
Colorado today, where he unveiled initiatives to decrease dependence on oil
from unstable foreign governments who don't even like us and would hold us
hostage because of our addiction and their hatred of our freedom.
The president 'talked turkey' to
the crowd, telling them "I know it came as a shock to some to hear a Texan
stand up there in front of the country and say, 'We got a real problem'.
Well, it's meant to be shocking. I'm the shocking president, and I tell it
like it is, I calls em like I sees em, I'm not afraid to lay my cards on the
table and say read em and weep. Here's the straight talk. America is
addicted to oil. There I said it. Shocking. Course it's not as shocking as
the first time I said it at the State of the Union. Woo-hoo, that was shock
city, I'm telling you. But I meant it because it's a true fact, as opposed
to the somewhat suspect facts that emerge on the presidential lips from time
to time."
"And I believe the words I used
on that momentous night were 'we've got to do something about it now'. And
my friends in the oil energy said, 'What do you mean, George? Oil is our
life blood. What about our families?'. And I said 'You're not in the oil
business, hoss, you're in the energy business,' and that's an important
distinction. The I told these great American companies, we will never
abandon our friends in the energy business who built this great country, and
you will be vital partners in the great leap forward out of our current
crisis. And that is why I am here today to talk about my plan for atomic
cars."
Bush outlined a bold new
initiative to begin mass production of nuclear powered automobiles by 2011,
pledging government assistance of up to five million dollars as seed money.
"The atomic car is not an illusion," he declared. "It is not some sort of
cockamamie fever dream. A country that can send a rocket all the way to
Pluto is surely capable of creating the automobile of the future, and that's
just what we intend to do."
The idea was greeted with
immediate skepticism by some physicists, typified by Dr. Nancy Hartworth at
liberal MIT. "Atomic cars? Honestly. My gosh, those cars would have to be
reinforced with about ten tons of concrete just to prevent them from killing
the drivers with radiation. They would have to be enormous, even bigger than
Hummers. And the weight would just be murder on the tires, not to mention
the wear and tear on the roads. And the expense. Small nuclear reactors, the
kind that would fit into a car, cost thirty to forty thousand dollars a
piece. That's just the reactor. Fuel rods are expensive, too. Then there's
the rest of the car, including radios that won't lose their signal due to
radiation. Although I suppose you could just use CD players. Oh, there's so
much to consider. The cooling system, you'd have to have a great cooling
system because reactors get very, very hot. And, oh gosh, I wish the
president wouldn't spring these things on us physicists like this. I'm kind
of unprepared. I... I just wonder - what would happen if two atomic cars had
a head-on collision? You might take out a whole city block. No. No, I just
do not think that we will be driving atomic cars in the near future."
"This is your typical lack of
imagination from academia," responded presidential spokesman Scott
McClellan. "I don't think American industry would have a hard time coming up
with heavy duty tires and better cooling systems. That's highly
disrespectful to our can-do spirit. Ms. Hartworth cites the high cost of
such a car, but she doesn't mention the offset savings you get by only
having to refuel once every ten years or so. It's easy to say nay, as the
president's critics are so eager to do, but I've just got to ask, do we
really want to be dependent on oil from unstable foreign governments who
don't even like us and would hold us hostage because of our addiction to oil
and their hatred of our freedom? I say no. Atomic cars are key to our
economic growth as a nation. Let's give them a fair shot."
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Allen
classic, 'Bananas'.