Today's Topic: Holy Lap Dance, Batman!
Katy Hipke & Mark Hoback
Updated 5:21 PM EST
Hey, Katy, I know this will be right up your
alley - a story that combines Jesus and lap dancing. I came across the
JC's Girls Girls Girls site
a couple of months ago, intrigued by what some blogger called 'the worst
porn site ever'. Worst? I know the sight of professional hair-colorist
Heather legs up and belly down, gently cradling the Holy Bible was enough to
resurrect me, if you know what I mean.
Heather and her cohorts (part-time first
grade teacher Tanya and stay-home mom Lori) are hitting the media hard now,
appearing on CNN, MSNBC, and FOX. The lovely Lori chatted it up with
Beliefnet a couple of days ago, telling how the girls go to strip clubs and
buy lap dances for the opportunity of a little spiritual one on one. The
piece is called 'Jesus
Loves Strippers', to which I can only say 'Duh, what guy doesn't'.
Your deepest, most intimate thoughts?
-mark
That whole JC GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS thing is
moving my SPIRIT so MUCH that I do not know where to start! I even got on
their 'forum' and read some postings...sadly, they sounded like an edgy
little group of sexually frustrated porn addicts taking one day at a time,
aggressively:
"God won't forgive you, you didn't misspell 'either', you wrote
"eather and you meant 'eat her'... you pig. You are going to hell. You
should be BANNED from the boards!"
"Im not going to hell, you are for your filthy sexually suggestive
screen name, jack o laid."
"That was the name of an energy drink I was trying to create and
market, you have a very diseased mind...""
etc etc.
If they'd just take a minute to whack off to an image of Hot Hot Jesus or
one of His Disciples in their G(od)-string and tassels of Nazareth, they'd
be happier and easier to get along with. Are there churches yet? That's what
they need. With little booths where one can go to 'confess' and 'hear
confessions'....
I sense, Mark, a marketing opportunity. I am no dildo scientist, but as you
know I am a Reverend and several tasteful, godly items come to mind (my
products are mostly for Her, or a gay Him, You'll have to handle the Men's
Product Line):
"The King is Coming" Dildo that shoots holy water
"Away in a...Menage et Twat" 3 speed holy trinity vibrator
"Christ on a Clit Ring"
"Satan Get Behind Me" buttplug
-katy
Oh great, Katy, like I'm not going to hell
fast enough as it is. Still, I've never been one to pass up an unexploited
marketing niche, so I think you initial inventory items constitute a good
ground floor.
Men's product line? There is no new men's
product line to exploit, since guys tend to be visual rather than tactile.
Just give us some good visuals, like Titian's Mary Magdalene, and we're good
to go. I think this difference between men and women is born out by the
fact that while the web is loaded with Nun porn, there is a real dearth of
Priest porn.
Which, needless to say, gives me an idea...
-mark
I have always suspected that Pat Robertson is
whacking off to his God Smiting fantasies. But it could just be gay spank me
porn or
teletubbies like the rest of those aging blue suited evangelicals.
Either way, we could really use a few good product lines catering to
the Sociopath Man of God and PeekABoo Homo Methodists.... Mormons.
Furtive masturbators need love too!
Of course we'll have to make sure and cover ourselves in case of
liability. I am Of the Cloth, but I don't pretend to know God's Plan
for everyone. We don't want a Latter Day Saint to get hurt using a
dildo designed for a Jehovah Witness End Times nether region, without lots
of Tithe Enough For Ya (tm) lubricant. (sold eparately).
There are other risks. We'll need package labeling to protect the innocent.
This inflatable pubescent doll will be unmanned during the rapture...
There is, as always, much to do. But it's the Lords Work.
-katy
Aw, poor Pat Robertson. Everybody is always
picking on him, calling him a lunatic, and just saying hurtful things in general. So what if he likes a good smiting or a firm spanking?
Tanya would never hold it
against him, even for a generous fee. I'm not going to pile on the inventor of
Pat's Age-Defying
Protein Pancakes. 'America loves pancakes', he says, and you know, I believe
there's a certain amount of truth in those words. He promises to show you how to
make your flapjacks light and fluffy, and that's a good thing.
Let the profiteering begin.
-mark
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