Dirty Ruskies
Plan Screwathon
Frank J
Rutherford
February 26,
2006
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Many years ago, back in 2001, on a moist Spring night, there sat an innocent
young president mere months into his term, future glories stretching out
before him like the trail of some golden snail. He would be the bestest
president ever, he told himself. He would find the right people to govern
and the right allies to support, and the future would take care of itself
and it's friends, one of whom was surely George W Bush - the man, the
legend, the man.
On that night - and it was a night, a fact
that I did not previously mention out of fear of making the first paragraph
too rich with detail - the president watched without expression as a small,
beady-eyed man in a brown suit slowly approached him. 'He looks
inscrutable', thought George Bush, and this was good, for this president
loves a challenge. "If we are not challenged, we can never excel," he once
told me, but that was long ago, when he was a major league baseball owner,
and I was but a young ball boy.
The inscrutable Russian former KGB man let a
small dangerous tick curl his upper lip into a tilde, and he uttered four
American syllables - "Try it, cowboy." The young president suddenly locked
eyes and held on, thirty seconds, forty, forty-five. At forty-nine, the
break caused a gasp from both man.
"You make think of yourself as inscrutable,
Vladimir Putin," Bush said, "But I have drunken deeply from the waters of
your soul, and found it to be rich and satisfying. You and I shall work
together well." The tilde broadened into a smile, but deep inside Putin wore
a sneer.
Two things became apparent on this fateful
night - Vladimir Putin was nothing but a devious Ruskie hyper-tart, and
George Walker Bush was a naive babe in the woods. Yes, it's true, this
president is reluctant to acknowledge shortcomings, but it has to be
conceded that he indeed has one. He trusts people too much, scoundrels who
have no fonder wish than to crush his heart and destroy his faith in all
that is good and fair. He is, in a word, too good for this world, and until
he learns to recognize the baseness of his fellow man, heartache will always
be around the very next bend.
Ronald Reagan understood that Russia truly
was an evil empire, a fact that the current president simply does not
understand. Have the dastardly Ruskies truly evolved into a civilized
nation? Can a tiger change his stripes? No, he may not, although it is
possible that a tiger may get newer and jazzier stripes. Gone are the mangy
stripes of Khrushchev and Breshnev, gone is the fetid feline fur of Boris
Yeltzin. In Vladimir Putin,
we have a different cat entirely.
 Never
mind the fact that Putin has been consolidating power in the country at a
breakneck pace. Never mind the fact that his government has been stamping
out internal dissent and personal freedom at a speed which turns the head of
even the most devout neo-con. Forget the fact that he is embarrassing this
country by playing host to the G-8 convention in a land where a good filet
is more difficult to find than rubies on a Des Moines sidewalk. Pay no
attention to the news that Russia is now working hand in hand with our sworn
enemy Iran on their uranium enrichment program.
No, the important consideration is getting
back to the grand tradition of having an enemy that looks just like us, only
eviler. US vs Russia is a rivalry that Americans can relate to, in the
tradition of the Yankees vs the Red Socks, or the Cowboys vs the Redskins.
And just like Cowboys coach Bill Parcells, Vladimir Putin is a man who
cannot be trusted. Just look at those eyes - why, he could be straight off
the set of 'The Man From U.N.C.L.E.'. Yes, he has learned to wear a suit and
shave, but beneath that well-groomed exterior is a man who cannot even sit
up straight, a man who longs for the day when he can screw America six ways
to Friday, a screwathon which can only be averted by a tidal surge in our
preemptive paranoia.
So I call upon President Bush to end this
madness in the Middle East and bring our boys home where they can prepare
for the inevitable march on Moscow. We need to get back to the good war -
the cold war - where everyone wears nice clothes, and you get a whole lot
more bang for your buck.
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