Jermaine: Bad Celebrity Relatives, Part 23
What? That ain't me. Not another damn
picture of Michael...Okay, so it
hasn't been your year for a long, long time. Your last semi-successful
record was twenty years ago, and that was a duet with Pia Zadora. You're
living with your mother, away from your ten children, and wishing you could
just make Tito money. And when somebody does bother to write about you, they
use a picture of your brother since no-one could pick you out of a police
lineup. But still, still, you are a Jackson, dammit, and there ought to be
something you could do to earn a buck. Like writing a tell-all about your
baby brother. Or at least
writing a
proposal for a tell-all book about your baby brother.
“My brother is a superstar,
yes. My brother is wealthy. He owns shares in Sony music. He drinks, he
does drugs, he lies, he cheats, he changed his skin color and mostly, he’s
human. He attracts gay men and wards off women like the plague.”
Mmm, Jermaine starts off fairly enough,
depicting Michael as a complex man with many, uh, attributes, yeah
attributes, that's the word I'm looking for. His efforts to write a best
seller inspired him to come up with a laundry list. My brother has
permanent eyeliner, yes. He's a big homo. He once loaned me three hundred
bucks after drinking a beer, and he once bought his own Starbucks, and
mostly, he's human. He only has two feet but has amassed over five hundred
shoes.
"He paid this woman, who
nobody would ever look twice at, several million dollars. My brother
purchased children. It is like a sanctioned black market. He is very
powerful; he picked the sperm donor by using information provided by a
sperm bank. Now, who can do that? Michael Jackson, that’s who, my
brother."
Now that's cold, busting on Debbie Rowe.
Here's this woman nobody would ever look twice at (know the feeling,
Jermaine?), and here she is, raking in massive mounds of Michael moolah.
FNSB: A one act play
"First National Sperm Bank, how can I help
you?"
"Yes, I'd like to see the profiles of your sperm donors."
"I'm sorry, Miss, but showing profiles of
our sperm donors is illegal in forty-three states..."
"Ha, ha, look underneath this mask. It's
me, Michael Jackson, king of pop."
"...luckily this isn't one of them."
Let's throw in dad.
“Joseph did some disgusting
things to Latoya and Rebbie, especially. If it weren’t for Mother’s
loyalty to him, he’d probably be in prison for what he did to our
sisters.”
And how about Hollywood.
“It was my little brother,
he conceived the whole idea behind DreamWorks. The logo is still proudly
the official logo of Neverland. Unfortunately, Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey
Katzenberg and David Geffen all stole the idea from him. That’s one reason
why Michael hates Jewish people so much. But he plays the game with them.
There is a game that all in Hollywood play. But the Jews are the powerful
ones and they have done a lot to put my brother in his place….just another
nigger."
My little brother conceive the entire
concept for the toasted cheese puff. He still eats them nearly every
single day. Okay, let me clarify - he thought up the character
Chester Cheeto, but the Jews at Frito Lay stole the idea from him. That's
why Michael hates those Heebs so much.
It can't be denied that Jermaine has some
blockbuster material. So how's it working out for him?
Not so
good. Michael got hold of the proposal, told Jermaine that he was going
to have him thrown out of the Jackson family home, and vowed to sue
ghost-writer Stacy Brown, as well as his worthless empty pocketed brother.
Says
Brown:
"The experience of
writing the proposal ... and then having Michael go nuts, Jermaine crying,
and the family going into chaos mode was draining and weird, and one that
I wouldn't want to deal with again."
Someday this family will be transformed into
the ultimate HBO series. Until then, Jermaine is toeing the line, and
talking about his 'real' book proposal, not the phony and salacious proposal
the press has been reporting (and which sadly, for the unfortunate Jermaine,
is on
tape).
"Mine was a wonderful book
about kids growing up in Indiana," he told KNBC TV. "The hard work and
stuff like that."
Let's get serious. |
