Sunday, January 29, 2006

North Korea Admits to Having Nukes Also Claims Strong Dislike for Charles and Camilla In a surprising announcement, North Korea's foreign ministry announced that it "really, really, really does have nuclear bombs, very large ones, the size of a small deli," and that they will boycott the US sponsored regional arms.  Pyongyang said they have "manufactured nukes for self-defense to cope with the Bush administration's undisguised policy to isolate and stifle North Korea," and then in a flagrant display of rudeness, taunted the president's mother, calling her a "white haired hyena with eyes reminiscent of bloated water chestnuts". Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice immediately rebutted this statement, saying the president's mother had beautiful eyes, and reminding North Korea that their leader "has a girls name, and looks like a squashed horny-toad". Kim Jong II did not directly respond to these charges, opting instead to appear on state television, where he told the nation that Prince Charles and that Camilla woman are the two ugliest white people ever, and that even the possibility that they might somehow reproduce "should fill the globe with pangs of shock and horror". He then called the late Princess Diana "a saint, and an honorary North Korean," sang the first verse and chorus of 'Candle in the Wind' accompanied only by a DangPiri player, and retired to his chambers for a nap. 10:42:32 AM    comment []

	Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Some See Count Floyd in Underpass Stain Beer cans from over three dozen countries have been left in front of the Floyd-like stain. CHICAGO, Illinois (FGAQ) -- A steady stream of the faithful and the ludicrous, many carrying flowers and howling, have wandered to a highway underpass for a look at a gray and white stain on a concrete wall that they believe is an image of the Count Floyd. Police have been guarding the area since last Monday as hundreds of people have walked down to see the image and the growing memorial of flowers and beer cans that surround it. Beside the image is an artist's rendering of Bruno embracing Doctor Tongue in a pose some see echoed in the stain. "We believe it's a miracle," said Edith Prickley, 42. "A really dumb miracle, but a miracle none the less." Tuesday morning, women stood with 3-D glasses behind a police barricade while men in t-shirts loitered before the image, guffawing and drinking. An angry commuter claimed that the crowd had caused traffic to back up for miles. The stain is likely the result of salt run-off, according to the Illinois Department In-charge of Transportation. The agency does not plan to scrub it off the wall. "We're treating this just like we treat any type of roadside miracle," said IDIOT spokesman Earl Camembert. "We have no plans to clean this site." "We hah no plah to clee thih eyes," chimed in IDIOT resident cleaning woman Perini Scleroso. The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago has not received any requests to authenticate the image as of Monday, spokesman Johnny Larue said. "Why would we? I mean it's true that Pope Benedict does look similar to Count Floyd, but that's more of a coincidence than a miracle. And the church takes no official position on Monster Chiller Horror Theater. Sometimes people ask us to look at these things, but we're pretty busy. Most of the time we don't. The meaning depends on the individual who sees it. To them, it's real. Go figure."   4:06:26 AM    comment []

	Saturday, January 14, 2006

Biden Hunts Presidency Very Carefully Senator Joe Biden has announced that he is exploring the possibility of a run for the presidency, but he is taking a cautious approach to the prospect, stating that for the next few months he would be determining "whether I can gather the kind of support" necessary to become a strong candidate. "If, in fact, I think that I have a clear shot at winning the nomination after a few months of very careful observation, then I'm going to go ahead and seek the nomination. I think that's what I'm going to do." FGAQ asked the Senator if this conversely meant that he would drop his presidential ambition like a razor-wire coffee cup should a possible obstacle to his ambitions appear, and he told us that the answer was a definite yes. "Hey, I'm no Don Quixote here, no impossible dream for this senator, no siree bob. If a major piece of talent like Hillary decides to run, I'm outta here, see you later, think of me when you're picking your veep. No reason to set out on a lost cause." "John McCain? I don't know, John is a friend of mine, don't ask me to even think about that. Okay, I guess if John were to run, I wouldn't run. I mean, I would just give him that courtesy, even though we're in different parties. I mean, what if I were to run against him? I might lose, or he might win, and that would be just devastating to our relationship." "Kerry? Oh no, if a man has been his party's nominee once before, he has dibs on it the next time if that's what he wants. Anything less would just be disrespectful. So, the answer is no, I would not run if Kerry should choose to run again, and really, I guess I should say the same about Gore. On the other hand, if it ends up like I expect, with just me and Lieberman, than I say 'Let the best Joe win'." We asked Biden if he was worried that conservative pundits would try to sabotage any efforts on his part by retreading the same tales of plagiarism that sank his 1988 bid for presidency. He smacked himself on the forehead and moaned. "Oh man, conservative pundits. I didn't even think of that. You know, back in 1988 there were no conservative pundits, at least not the kind you have now on the radio and cable news shows. And the internet! They can tear you apart before you have a clue as to what's happening. Took Howard Dean down in about 36 hours. They can be vicious. Even though it's unlikely, I'd have to say that if the conservative pundits did choose to attack me, I'd fold quicker than 'Hamlet' in Mayberry. 11:46:13 AM    comment []

Jackson Brokers Deal With Sunnis Michael Jackson has accomplished what scores of politicians have been unable to achieve: bringing Iraq's Sunni population on board in support of the nation's newly minted constitution. "Mister Jackson is very wise," said Islamic Party Secretary-General Tareq al-Hashemi. "He looked me in the eye and asked 'Why can't we all just get along'. I thought about his question, and found that the answer was that there was no answer. Of course we should all just get along. And so we shall." Jackson was in Iraq at the behest of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who had lobbied President Bush to name him as a special ambassador. "Everybody loves Michael," said Rice. "And he just seemed like a natural to bring the county's factions together. My only surprise was the speed with which he was able to accomplish his goal." "We are giving him the key to Sulaymaniyah," said al-Hashemi, "and roasting up our fattest goats. Ah, if only everyone had the golden heart of this man, the entire world would be at peace." "Truly is he a citizen of the world," said radical cleric Sheik Muqtada al-Sadr. "But for today he is the king of all Iraq, and more importantly, my friend. Just this morning he asked if my young son Akbar could be his companion for the remainder of his stay. Never have I been so proud." Jackson demonstrates the moonwalk for a contingent of Shi'ites, Sunnis, and Kurds 11:15:20 AM    comment []

	Monday, January 09, 2006

Former Jackson Jurors Punked on MSNBC Jurors Eleanor Cook and Ray Hultman, appearing on MSNBC's 'Live and Direct' are unaware that Michael Jackson is eavesdropping on their conversation! Entertainer Michael Jackson began his long awaited comeback today when he appeared on MSNBC's 'Live and Direct' with Rita Crosby. Jackson appeared on a segment in which he 'punked' two jurors from his recent molestation trials. Eleanor Cook and Ray Hultman, sniffing their last fleeting chance for celebrity, were on the show to promote their (possible) book offerings, which promise to detail the fact that Michael was guilty as hell and they knew it all along. "No doubt in my mind whatsoever, that boy was molested, and I also think he enjoyed to some degree being Michael Jackson's toy," Cook said, unaware that Jackson was peaking out from behind her chair, occasionally making devil horns above her head. The studio audience, which had been told about the prank before hand, were unable to contain their laughter, even though they had been asked to by the producer. "What the hell are you people laughing about," asked Cook, who's book, if it ever sees the light of day, would be titled 'Guilty as Sin, Free as a Bird'. "There are some little boys out there who think it's cool to be diddled by rich pop stars, and there are some pop stars who think it's cool to..." Ms Cooks remarks were drowned out by laughter at this point, as Jackson moonwalked behind her chair, grabbing his crotch and making a cry-baby face. Hultman fared no better when it was time to promote his imaginary book, titled 'Yet To Be Titled'. "People just wouldn't take their blinders off long enough to really look at all the evidence that was there," he said. "I know I didn't. No. Yes. Yes I did, but the other jurors threatened me. They coerced me to vote against my will all fourteen times." The audience went into hysterics as Jackson rolled his eyes and twirled his index finger around his ear in the international symbol for 'crazy old man'. 8:53:09 PM    comment []

Next US Agent Wally Baxter runs reconnaissance outside of Zanjan rock depository WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The Bush administration has been carrying out secret reconnaissance missions to learn about nuclear, chemical and missile sites in Iran in preparation for possible airstrikes there, journalist Seymour Hersh said Sunday. The effort has been under way at least since last summer, Hersh said on CNN's "Late Edition." "That's just crazy talk," said White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett. "If we were carrying out secret missions, that would mean that nobody knew about them. So if CNN is reporting on any missions, well, ipso facto, know what I mean?" "Besides - reality check here - who are you going to believe, the United States government or some guy named Seymour? You know what most people think of when they hear the name Seymour? Seymour Butts! Yeah, and then they just can't take them seriously at all... Think about it. This Hersh fellow seems to be totally obsessed with butts. What was his last story? That's right, Abbie Grabbie, and all those pictures of dogs biting terrorists on the butt, and terrorists making butt pyramids, and on and on ad nauseum. Sheesh. The American people are in to values, not butts." "Getting back to the issue, what we do know is that the Iranians are harboring huge stockpiles of deadly projectile rocks, many of which seem to be making their way into the hands of militant Palestinians. I won't deny that we've issued strong warnings to Tehran telling them that they must dispose of these rocks with great expediency, or else. You know what 'or else' means? Of course you don't. It's a secret." 8:47:17 PM    comment []

	Saturday, December 24, 2005

Mike Tyson to Leave Boxing Tyson, who has lost three of his last four bouts, indicated he would retire, saying: "I don't have the guts to fight anymore. My heart is not in it anymore. I don't want to disrespect the sport I love." As bad as quitting might tarnish whatever is left of Tyson's once-proud legacy, his reputation would have been even further damaged if the fight had stopped after Tyson first tried to break McBride's left arm and then purposely head-butted his opponent, opening a cut above McBride's left eye. - Washington Post, 6/12/05 FGAQ caught up with the once great fighter after the match, and asked him about his future plans. "I'm bwoke," he told us, "so I gotta keep on wucking. Not onwy did I woose this match, I wost a vewy wucwative contwact pwomoting Tyson chicken. I aweady cut two commuchas - 'It takes a tough man to beat a tender chicken'. Sigh. I weand aw the wuds wight, but they don't wan't a woosuh to pwomote theh chicken." "So I'm gonna take this gig in Vegas as a human punching bag. Thew aw a wot of wich and famous peopo who wi pay a hundwed gwand to say they beat the champ. Fowah two hundwed gwand, I pwomise to not even hit back." 11:12:37 AM    comment []

	Friday, December 23, 2005

Hi. I'm the little angel of hope. Would you like a Twinkie? Gosh, you sure look like you could use one... Sometimes I like to appear to people who are wearing frowny faces. Like you. Listen, there's no reason to be sad. Things could be so much worse. Look at me, for example. My beautiful downy wings have been transformed into these round Frisbee-like things. You're right, they do weigh a ton, and then when it rains they fill up with water and the next thing you know I've got birds and squirrels all the fuck over me. It's turned my hair white, it has, and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it. Still, I live in a beautiful garden, filled with fragrant flowers, along with the aforementioned birds and squirrels. Filthy creatures, those squirrels. And did I mention that this picture was taken a few months ago, before the flowers became nothing but dead memories. Pretty soon, I'll be up to my ass in snow, and like an idiot I'm wearing this thin summer dress, so in a word, I'm fucked. But you'd never know it, because my face is frozen into this vapid stare of perpetual innocence. 11:11:06 AM    comment []

	Sunday, December 18, 2005

Opening remarks to the National Governors Association My bird is a mighty bird. Spread your wings and fly like an eagle. Yeah, that'd be a trip, wouldn't it? I mean, if this thing just got up and flew away. Saw something like that happen once, back when I was a youth. Not a golden bird, something even weirder. It was a statue of Sam Houston riding a horse, and I swear I saw that statue salute me. Could have been my eyes playing tricks on me, could have been a miracle, either way, it's all the same. You know Sam Houston, don't you? He was governor of Tennessee before he ever moved to Texas. Liked to hang out with the Indians. The Cherokees. Used to be a lot more of them in those days. They'd hunt and fish and occasionally get into the firewater, which in the Cherokee language was called kastoofuh. Old Sam had himself a lot of adventures, like getting shot in the belly at the Battle of Horseshoe Bend. At any rate, he ended up, just like me, moving to Texas, where he got himself elected delegate from Nacogdoches to the Convention of 1833 at San Felipe. It didn't have any other name. Just 'the convention'. See, Mexico was getting awfully uppity, and it was about time to take Texas away from them if they couldn't be a little more reasonable. Wasn't going to happen. They don't teach this in school much anymore, but you know what those Mexicans did? They took Steve Austin and threw his rear end in jail. No charges. Nothing. So what do you think? Should I do the same thing to Doug Wead? I mean, now that I have the tapes back and all. I had Gonzales take a look at it, and he thinks that embarrassing the president could be construed as a terrorist act. And if not, we can get Congress to start moving on the issue. It's funny, isn't it? Here we have the Mexicans throwing Steve Austin in jail for no reason at all, and now we have a Mexican Attorney General. And the capitol of the greatest country on earth has a football team named after the Cherokees. And the Redskins are coached by NASCAR great Joe Gibbs, who's a white man. Only in America. Sam Houston was there when Texas declared it's independence from Mexico, and in a blink of the eye he became commander in chief of the Texas army. That's something we have in common, I'm proud to say. Something else we have in common - and I'm skipping over the war, because everyone knows who won - was that Sam Houston was elected President of Texas. Most people don't know that Texas had it's own president, but they did, and that man was Sam. Elected twice, with a gap in the middle. Notice how I'm not fumbling around with my words? There's a good reason. I'm drinking again, but only in moderation. Moderation, that's the key. A couple of drinks can help relax a president, and I'm sure that the American people don't want to see their president wound up too tightly. A nervous president is a risky president. That's what I've come to believe. Not that there's anything wrong with risk. It's a risky world out there, which makes me wonder what on earth I was saying a minute ago. No, our troops... listen up. You want to talk about risk? Sam Adams wasn't afraid of the risk involved when he threw all that British tea into the ocean. But we're talking about Sam Houston, and the best part of the story is that he stood up for what he believed. He didn't care what anybody else thought. When he was governor of Texas, and everybody wanted to secede from the Union - this just a few years after joining - he said no, no, a million times no. So they removed him from office, but he didn't care, because he did what he knew was right. That's why they called old Sam 'The Raven' and wrote that poem about him. When Sam said 'never more', he meant it. So, anyway, it's great to have all you governors here in one room today. I'll tell you a little secret, and it relates back to what I was saying about risk. When they told me I had to meet with the NGA today, I thought they were talking about the National Golfers Association. That's right. I had an inspirational story about Sam Snead I was going to tell. And when I saw it was you all, I said, that ain't going to fly, and the rest is history. Very recent history, but history nonetheless. I'm looking forward to working with you all, and I'm excited about the next four years. Thank you all for coming, and we'll get to some Q & A as soon as I have the reporters escorted out. 1:39:09 PM    comment []

© Copyright 2006 Mark Hoback. Last update: 1/29/2006; 10:42:39 AM.