Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Tales of the Ex-Presidents George: Hurry up with the glad handing, Bill. McCartney's getting ready to go on. Bill: Don't worry about it, George. I told em not to start the show until we got back in our seats. George: Why don't we just take these people's seats? They're closer to the stage. Bill: Good idea... Jack, tell these folks to move along. Jack: Yes sir. Bill: Good deal, they left their beer. Oh, look, here he comes now. Paul! Paul! It's me. Bill Clinton. Paul: Oh, Mister Clinton, good to see you chum. And who's your mate? Don't tell me... Chester Peabody, right? Bill: No way I'd be here with Chester, Paul. This is George Bush. Paul: Holy cow! Pardon me for saying so, sir, but you look a hell of a lot older in person. George: Well you don't look like any spring chicken either, Beatle Boy. Bill: It's the first president Bush, Paul. Paul: Bloody 'ell, there's more than one of em? ...Very funny, Mister President, you had me going for a moment there. Well, got to run. They've lit up the stage. George: Take a look at the lights on that stage. Bill: Pretty gaudy, huh. Maybe they're gonna show us some  haute couture. George: Ces grenouilles peuvent le souffler hors de leur âne... Where's the band, Bill? All I see is Paul. Bill: They're down there in a little band hole, so you don't have to look at them. Like this song? George: It's a little wild for my taste. I wish he'd play one of his catchy little ditties, like 'Get Back'. Bill: Not a problem. We'll send one of the secret service guys up to tell him. Jack, tell Mac 'Get Back'. Jack: Yes sir. Paul <from stage>: For me next number, I've got a bloody request I can't refuse... 'Jo Jo was a dancer up...' George: Thanks, Bill. I didn't know we could do that. Bill: Hell, George, you telling me you didn't know that? Being an ex-president is loads more fun than being president. You can do anything you want, and people just smile and wave. If I wanted a bacon-wrapped steak right now, they'd get me one in about five minutes. George: Filets? Mmm, I could go for that... Bill: Jack, get us a couple petite filets, wrapped in bacon, and, uh... George: Wine. Bill: ...and some chardonnay, maybe a bottle of Antinori Cervaro Della Sala. Jack: Yes sir. George: Whoa! What's happening up on stage? Bill: It looks like some sort of serious guitar malfunction. Paul <from stage>: 'elp! Me bleedin guitar is getting away from me! George: Never saw that happen before... Bill: Jack, go find Sir Paul another Hoffner, or if you can't find that, just bring him a piano. Jack: Yes sir. Bill: And Jack, shoot off some fireworks while you're back there. I like fireworks. George: Everybody does... What the hell? What the hell is this racket? Bill: Oh, that's his James Bond song. 'Live and Let Die'. Really sucks, doesn't it. George: It sure does. I wish he'd just play 'Hey Jude' and get the hell off the stage. Bill: Jack... Vatican Madcaps <knock knock> Hey Bill, open up. And tell Moose out here to let go of my raincoat. It's number 41. <whispers> I have something good out here. Clinton: Hi there George - what's that you've got? GBI: I snagged some of those little airport bottles of J&B. Let's get a little buzz on, whatcha say? I hate these funeral trips. BC: You took those bottles off of Air Force 1? George, I'm going to teach you to be an professional ex-president yet. Watch this. <opens closet> Jack, get me a bottle of Wild Turkey, a bucket of ice, and some nice smoked salmon. Anything else, George? GBI: Cheese. BC: And some cheese. You like those little slices of American, don't you George? GBI: You bet. Like the song goes, "The USA it always pleases, first in war and first in cheeses" BC: "And first in liquor, thank you Jesus!" GBI & BC: Heh, heh, ha ha hee ha ha... Jack: Here's your order, sir. GBI: Man, that was fast. And look, he even got the individually wrapped Kraft slices. BC: You've got to learn to use your secret service guys effectively, George. They can do some quality work. After all, that's what they're here for. GBI: You're right, Bill. I guess I just never had anybody to show me the ins and outs of being an ex-president. BC: Tell me about it... <knock knock> BC: Who's there. Voice: It's number 39. GBI: Oh no, it's Jimmy Carter. BC: Aww, shit. What's he doing here, anyway? We didn't invite him. Jimmy is about the least fun ex-president... Voice: I've come to booorrrreee you. Let me in so we can all discuss world hunger. GBI: Hide the booze! Hide the booze! BC <low voice>: Go away. There's no ex-presidents here. GBI: Go back to the peanut patch, farm boy. Voice: Shoot the door off, Moose. <bang bang> Hey, it's me! Number 43! Scared you guys, didn't I? GBI: Son, one of these days those hijinks of yours are going to get you into real trouble. Now sit down and have yourself a nice drink. GBII: Quit torturing me with that joke, Pop. You know I'm tempted... What a day. I could go for a glass of Country Time Lemonade and some ribs if I had my druthers. BC: Jack... Jack: Here you are, Mister President. Extra Bulls Eye Spicy Honey BBQ Sauce on the side. GBII: Wow, Bill. Your guy is good! Where'd you find somebody like that? BC: Tell you when you're an ex. GBII: I'm holding you to that, compadre. Hey guys, guess what I have here in my hand? GBI: A rib? GBII: No, my other hand. It's the keys to the Popemobile. BC & GBI: The Popemobile! Cool! GBI: Thought we might take it out for a little spin... BC: I get to drive! GBI: No way Jose. Press ever found out that I let Bill Clinton drive the Popemobile, they'd never let me live it down. Plus, you always steer to the left. GBII: As the senior ex-president present, I think I should be allowed to drive. GBI: Forget it, Pop. You're already half in the bag. Moose: Excuse me Mister President and ex-presidents, I've got trouble outside. It's Jimmy Carter. BC: Fool me twice, shame on me. Okay, Moose, let him in. GBI: Heh, heh. I bet it's Tony Blair. Jimmy Carter: Hi fellows. GBI, GBII, BC: Yiiii! Jimmy Carter! JC: I had a heckuva time finding you guys. You know, your protocol chief had me way on the other side of Vatican City. GBII: I knew I shouldn't have blown that door off. JC: I thought while the four of us were together we could discuss election reform. You know... BC: Oh, man... JC: ...I have monitored elections from all over the world, and there is much we could learn... GBII: Let me see that bottle. GBI <whispering> Is there nothing we can do? JC: ...from other democracies and from our own citizens. In fact... BC: Jack... Jack: Yes sir. Mister Carter, I'm afraid you'll have to leave. The ex-President's Club is strictly limited to the most current three ex-presidents, and of course, the sitting president, who chairs the club. Now if you'll just... JC: But I am one of the top three! BC: No, Jimmy, I'm thinking you're number four... GBI: Yeah, that's right Bill. There's you, then me, then Gerald Ford, then Jimmy here... JC: But I was after Ford! BC: That's what the president said, Jimmy. Me, George, Gerald, and then you. Now if you would be so kind... JC: This is revisionist history! I'm not leaving until... BC: Jack... 1:46:38 PM    comment []

© Copyright 2005 Mark Hoback. Last update: 10/2/2005; 10:23:39 AM.