Mark Hoback: FGAQ: Ephemera

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 13:31:24 GMT

HEY Mhoback@mindspring.com!

Hey Gina!

I would like to represent you the GAME.

Okay! Start Representing!

CAUTION: Read this step by step only!!!

Whew. Glad you warned me.

If you are not 18 don't read this mail at all!!!

Aw, go away, you. You're flirting now, aren't you?

You gotta read this sentence by sentence!

No problem.

Before you start the game wish something! And I gonna say you just one thing - everybody who play this game say that their wishes came true.

(Gosh, I sure wish I knew of a free, sexy website. Where in the world could I find one) Okay. Got it.

1.Take the peace of paper and draw two empty squares. In the first square write any number.

Seven. That's my lucky number.

2. Open this page and register freesexyworld. You gotta do this certainly because you can't play this game without it. When registration finished find on the page the first simple number and write it to the second square

Okay. Hold on, okay. 383

3.Don't read forward if you haven't do the second directions because the wish will never come true.

I did it, Gina. What was that part where they needed my Visa number?

-!!!And this is the key to the game!!!

1. I don't know what is the meaning of first number but this number is important in your life.

3. The second number is the count of the people you got to mail this letter. Do this or your wish will never come true.

I'VE GOT TO MAIL THIS TO 383 PEOPLE! BULLSHIT.

If you will believe this game your life will be much better.

Ah, this ain't nothing but a UCE.

This is not an UCE! This is a friendly bonus from Gina.

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 23:03:40 GMT

Satan: 'They Had Rocks'
The Prince of Darkness granted an interview to Leonard Maltin today in which he denied any and all responsibility for the trampling death of 251 Muslims. The pilgrims were trampled yesterday while participating in a hajj near the city of Mina, Saudi Arabia.

"I was sitting in my tent with a cold Bud Light," Satan began. "I had just conjured it up by having my devil dog jump into the lap of an unwitting Westerner and biting him squarely on the crotch, causing him to toss the frosty beverage into the air, from which I directed it to Mina, and onward into my hands. You might think that with my awesome powers it is surprising that I would drink a light beer, but by the Brow of Aratheum, I find it much less filling."

"At any rate, I was preparing to create some Nachos to enjoy during the big game - I'm a Panthers fan, and helped them make it to the Superbowl - when I heard something outside of my tent. I pulled open the flap, and I could not believe my eyes. There were two million pilgrims, crazy-eyed and chanting they were, and they had rocks!"

Dick Clark, former host of 'American Bandstand' and the '20,000 Dollar Pyramid' who currently works as a spokesman for Beelzebub, had earlier issued a statement which claimed that the trampling was entirely justified due to the hostile nature of the hajj. "Middle-Eastern law allows everyone the right of self defense," said Clark. "The fact that my client is a hideous demon does not mean that he has to take abuse from every Tom, Dick, and Abdul that walks by."

The horned-one elaborated. "What would you do? This is their big 'Stoning the Devil' ritual. Their crazy festival goes on for three days, hear my words, three days where they are running around with their stones and chanting their obscene little chants, chants which I daresay you would find most degrading if they were directed at you."

"Did you do anything to help diffuse the situation," asked Maltin.

"Diffuse the situation? These people are nuts, Leonard. I usually try to be out of town for the 'Stoning the Devil' weekend, and this year I just forgot. Nothing like this has ever happened before."

"Satan, if I could... according to my notes, 180 people were trampled to death back in 1998... Just looking back over the past decade, I see incidents in 1994, 1998, 2001, and 2003, as well as yesterdays incident."

"Ha! You are a cunning reporter but you are confusing your facts, Maltin. All those other years, they trampled each other. This is the first year that I have done all the trampling. It's self dense, damnit. They had rocks."

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 12:26:38 GMT

Alpaca

The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on.
I saw that digit yesterday, encroaching on my lawn.
Begone, begone I cried aloud,
Thou foul and evil thing –
And then before a dewdrop formed, a telephone did ring.

Telegirl: (lovely voice, fish fry in the cookpot of mid-afternoon fantasy – she knows your name, although it is not to be revealed just yet.) Alpacas are the animals that are changing your life today!

Poet: Okay.

T: Okay!

P: I think you dialed the wrong…

T: Did you know that Dick Cheney has invested heavily in the alpaca industry? The alpaca industry is the future of the future!

P: Aren’t alpacas kind of like some sort of a sweater?

T: A sweater? A goldmine is more like it!

P: Are you calling locally?

T: Here, take a look at these wonderful animals!

P: Because if it was a local call, I was thinking… you know, I can’t see HTML Over the phone… Good lord! What the hell are those things?

T: Alpacas!

P: Are they good?

T: Yes, very, very good.

P: Tasty, huh? Well, let me try ordering a couple of steaks, mmm, and maybe half a dozen chops.

T: You have to cut them yourself.

P: What?

T: You have to cut them yourself. We sell the entire alpaca.

P: Oh.

T: You would have to go to Peru or somewhere to find them in steak format.

P: Oh.

T: Sorry.

P: So, like do you grow alpacas your self?

T: It’s the best thing I’ve ever done!

P: Really?

T: I’d call them a huggable investment!

P: Let me check my wallet…

Mon, 26 Jan 2004 16:30:30 GMT

Mhoback?
Hello its Diana, naughty girl who love to smoke.

Hi Diana, it's been a while. Hold on, I'm gonna light up too.

Mhoback , let me introduce for you our new galleries.

Diana, the name is Mark. Mhoback, is just my mail name.

Do you know what a Bar Room Rosey is?

No I don't, Diana. What is a Bar Room Rosey? You don't mean a Bar Room Rosé, do you? I'm familiar with that.

It's the chick you passed over when you walked in the bar earlier, But Now after a few cold ones and the clock is ticking close to closing time.

Oh, I got you, a Bar Room Rosie. Like the talk show.

She's starting to look damn good!

Rosie O'Donnell? Get out of here! Any reason you sent me these pictures? I mean, they're pretty mundane.

Well, we collected them all at 'Average Girls'!

Mmm, okay I guess. I don't know why I'd be tempted to go there, though. I prefer to spend my porno dollars - I hope I don't come off like a pig here - at sites like 'Pretty Girls'.

You'll find there everything that you ever dreamed of!

I've been having this dream lately where I'm late for work, and when I arrive, everyone has been transformed into flesh eating zombies. Plus I'm naked.

Go there now, thank me later.

I might. I've got to finish the new Virtual Occoquan first. Maybe later. If I drink enough. See ya! Kisses!

Kisses,

Diana

Naughty girl who love to smoke :)

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 17:22:51 GMT

From the desk of Pat Robertson

Operation So-Called Supreme Court Freedom (first draft)

Dear Fellow American,

Thomas Jefferson, the author of the Declaration of Independence, once wrote: "You seem to think that the Supreme Court is the ultimate arbiter of constitutional interpretation, a very dangerous doctrine indeed and one that would place us under the tyranny of an oligarchy." Now he didn’t say who ‘you’ was, so I’ve got to believe he was talking to you secular folks out there who don’t give two hoots about the lord Jesus. And he didn’t say what an oligarchy was, so I had to look it up. Oligarchy: Government by a few, esp. by a small group of people. I think what he meant was a nineigarchy, government by nine people, five of who are unelected.

Aside from that, how very wise Jefferson was. Except for that one incident with the niggress. Yet even Jefferson could not have foreseen what the so-called Supreme Court has done to the Constitution of the United States since 1962. Just think what five unelected judges and four elected ones have done to our nation’s moral framework.

1. In 1962, they ruled prayer right out of the public schools. Bunch of a-holes.

2. In 1963, they tossed the Bible out of public schools. Dirty dirtbags.

3. In 1973, they applied a "right of privacy" not found in the Bible as the basis for opening the door to the torture and slaughter of more than 43,000,000 innocent unborn children who were turned into soylent green and sprinkled atop the pasta salads of ungodly liberals.

4. Subsequent federal courts have ruled that all Ten Commandments were illegal in schools (giving our children the right to slaughter innocent teachers), that statues of Jesus were illegal in public parks unless they were accompanied by a placard proclaiming them ‘For Entertainment Purposes Only’, that prayers on a map of Raleigh in North Carolina were illegal, and that it was illegal for little elementary school children to eat milk and cookies at snack time.

5. Now, the Supreme Court has declared a constitutional right for a man to commingle his God given flesh with the flesh of another man, and, by the language in its decision, has opened the door to homo marriages, big armies, legalized prostitution, chicken plucking and even incest.

The framers of our Constitution never intended anything like this to take place in our land, do you think? (Except maybe that Benjamin Franklin character, who sure cozied up enough with the French to make me a little bit suspicious). Yet we seem to be helpless to do anything about it. Why? It’s not because we’re a dumb bunch of peckerwoods or anything like that. It’s because we are under the tyranny of a nonelected nineigarchy. Just think, five unelected men and women (and four elected ones) who serve for life can change the very moral fabric of our nation just like a dirty diaper and take away the protections which our elected legislators have wisely put in place.

But there is a higher tribunal than the United States Supreme Court. There is the Judge of all the earth, George W Bush. We must earnestly come before Him now and cry out for redress of our grievances. He loves America as much as we do, and He does not wish to destroy it. But he just might not have any choice. No culture has ever endured which has turned openly to homo marriages and chicken plucking. And no society has ever been spared the wrath of Bush which has been guilty of slaughtering tens of millions of innocent babies and turning them into soylent green.

In short, by its distorted reading of the religion clause of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution and the "discovery" of eliminations from the 14th Amendment called "pentlandites," the so-called Supreme Court is bringing upon this nation the wrath of Bush, when the precious limousines that we love so much may be taken away from all of us.

Would you please join with me and many others in crying out to our president to change the Court? I mean that in a figurative sense, you understand, cause while the Robertson mansion is grand indeed, it just doesn’t have enough space to hold all of the righteous. If we fast and pray and earnestly seek Bush’s face, then He will hear our prayer and give us relief.

One justice is 83 years old. Ain’t nobody going to be suspicious if he just wakes up dead one morning. Another has cancer, and God willing, it’s going to hollow him out like one of those hollow things. Another has a heart condition, and if someone sneaks up behind her and goes ‘BOO!’ really loud, well it’s still our constitutional right to say boo, says so right there in the first amendment (which I am somewhat ambivalent about, but that’s another letter). Would it not be possible for Bush to put it in the minds of these three judges that the time has come to retire? With their retirement and the appointment of conservative judges, a massive change in federal jurisprudence can take place and we can dwell in the house of the Lord forever, except for two weeks in June when he has the family over.

We can have a court that no longer legislates from the bench the wishes of The New York Times and Hustler Magazine, but which will earnestly seek to interpret the Constitution as it would have been written if it had been written by Jesus which it was but then those five unelected judges got together and screwed the whole thing, but I digress, and they can give meaning to the centuries of moral standards which have undergirded this wonderful country called the United States of America.

Please join us in prayer to support a massive prayer offensive that we are going to call Operation So-Called Supreme Court Freedom.

"Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!!" (Matthew 19:12)

George bless you.
Yours in Bush,

Pat Robertson

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 13:02:02 GMT

Zellman & Associates

Dear Mr. Hoback,

We like it. Did I just use the word like? Let me rephrase. We love it! I know you were making a simple book proposal, but let me say that we at Zellman see a lot more potential than a mere book.

Let me suppress my enthusiasm for a moment. We see a movie at the very least; as a matter of fact, a 'Wittle Birdie' told me we could take this meme prime time. (Wittle Birdie, as I'm sure you already know, is in-house talk for The WB. Bernard in programming told me they would snap this up in a New York minute. Make that a LA minute, which is about twice as long, but you get the idea).

The thing is, Mark, (and I may call you Mark, may I not, since after reading this treatment, and not remembering you from your previous contact [where I seem to have been inexplicably rude]... I feel through this that I now know you as the bumblebee knoweth the Hyacinth), the thing is, this smells like franchise. Smells like, sounds like, feels like, looks like, and tastes like. Jesus, that's a hell of a treatment!

There's a truism in this business which goes something like this. "Treat the artist with the proper respect, at least until they're out of the door. Who knows, maybe they'll come back later with something good."

Well my new best buddy, those word paid off for me this time. Sorry, so sorry, about our last meeting, but absolutely nobody here at Zellman & Assoc. thought that a musical about 911 had a ghost of a chance. Not that it wasn't finely written, mind you. Hold on to that baby for another decade or so and we'll be able to camp it up just like 'The Producers'.

But your new concept is a smash, baby. Solid gold. The right concept at the right time. It's got the spirituality that everybody finds so appealing right now. God as a Jew - I love it! (I think this could be bigger than 'Joan of Arcadia'!)

It's got the vampires, and you know as well as I do that those guys never go out of style. Except you've gone me one better on that, which is why I gotta say it again - this thing is a smash! Cute teenage girl vampires! Oh boy, the guys will be lining up around the block to get their blood sucked.

The premise? Let's not even go there!

Let me get this straight. God runs out of angels in Heaven, so he has to convince all the cheerleaders in Loisdale, N.C., to become Vampangels, who can only create new heavenly hosts by sucking the blood of the hunky community college junior varsity!

Sheer brilliance. But you didn't stop there, Mark. That would have been too easy for a creative mind like yours! What a twist, and what a twisted brain you've got inside that head of yours!

But you were absolutely right - it would have been far too easy for the Vampangels to achieve their goal without us throwing some obstacles in their way. What a breathtakingly marketable idea. The girls, each one a different nationality and each one as cute as a button, can only venture out in the daylight when all of the guys are still practicing football, and as soon as night starts to fall, they have to go straight home and change into their nighties for bed. This is a smash!

I must tell you, I even like the name! Just between you and me, nobody ever brings me a project where I don't think the name couldn't use a little tweaking, if not a complete overhaul. I like to think of it as a specialty of mine. But you are breaking the mold, Mister Hoback. And you are busting my chops because I can't think of a single way to improve on it. 'Bit By An Angel'. Brilliant!

Mister Hoback, Mark, my friend, you just sit right where you are and have a cold one on me. I'm flying into Reagan on Friday. I'll send a car for you. I've reserved us a corner table at Koko's where we can eat their patented Lobster Wings and talk details. I can hardly wait.

Respectfully,
Zelly

P.S. - Did I tell you, this thing is a smash?