Mark Hoback: FGAQ: People

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 14:59:23 GMT

Hard to believe isn’t it? It was just 511 years ago that Christopher Columbus discovered us, aprox 1:37 PM GMT, on Columbus Day. Talk about synchronicity! (By us, I am talking to my good American readers. The rest of you weren’t discovered until many years later, except for my Canadian readers, who were discovered the very next year by Juan Rodriguez.)

Spain, otherwise known as the cradle of Civilization, was well aware of the legend of the French, but refused to discover them or even acknowledge their existence until 1577, when they launched the thirteen day War of the Frenchies, a battle that has been all but been forgotten, perhaps because of the stupidity of the name.

Christopher Columbus went on to do many more great things, including creating salt, the discovery of Egypt (where he taught the Indians – he called everybody Indians – the ancient Spanish art of hieroglyphics), and inventing the first manual typewriter (a crude device, incapable of printing the tilde).

He also established the first government holiday, which he dubbed (with a total absence of humility) Columbus Day. Which is why to this very day we raise our mugs high once a year and shout out “Happy Birthday, Dude!

Above: Earliest know photograph of Christopher Columbus, taken after Queen Isabella refused to increase his grog quota.

Tue, 10 Feb 2004 11:59:13 GMT

Now That's What I Call a Dead Parrot

This is not one of my continuing stories... I wrote the last I intended about Jackson breasts a week ago, so unless Michael grows a pair, I don't intend to type another word on the topic. Which is not to say that I won't read another word...

Actually, I was looking at The Sun (Britain's leading daily) for new info on one of my prime continuing pieces, the Armin Meiwes story. The cannibal tale is almost definitely film bound now, and the word is getting stronger that Hugh Grant would like to sink his teeth into the roll. Personally I don't see the resemblance, but I guess that's why they call it acting.

On the same page, however, was a delightful piece on Janet Jackson which I must share with you for the sake of the writing. The piece is entitled 'Is this the most important thing happening in America?', and it's written in one of those incredulous British tones. As a matter of fact, to get the most out of it, I believe you need to imagine it as read by Praline from the classic Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch. Here's Dominic Mohan discussing Michael Powell of the FCC.

"Michael Powell, head of the Federal Communications Commission and a bit of a nipple himself — apparently convalescing after an operation to remove his sense of humour — branded it “a classless, crass and deplorable stunt” adding: “I am outraged by what I saw.”

What is your problem, Mike? It was a boob. A zeppelin. A jug. A kahuna. Call it what you will.

A fun cushion, a bap, a mammary gland. As natural and as pure as snow — although Janet’s plastic-looking fantastics probably aren’t, to be honest, so scrub that, hers are more slush.

Mr Powell went on (and, boy, did he): “Like millions of Americans, my family and I gathered around the television for a celebration. Instead, that celebration was tainted. Our nation’s children, parents and citizens deserve better.”

Tainted? Didn’t his mummy have a pair? Was he not breast fed? Is he gay? What has he against them? Not his hands, evidently."

Know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge.

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 13:14:12 GMT

Who is John Galt?
"He said he would stop the motor of the world... and he did. But who is John Galt? A destroyer or a liberator? Why does he fight his battle, not against his enemies, but against those who need him most? Why does he fight his hardest battle against the woman he loves?"

No, sorry. I'm thinking of Joe Buck.

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 18:05:18 GMT

Interview with the King on an Interview with the King

Tonight on 60 Minutes II, it's Larry King, the King of Talk Television. Watch at 8:00 PM as Larry shares amusing anecdotes, such as this typical real life encounter with one of his many fans.

"I'm walking in New York, my hometown...me and the wife and the kids, and a guy walks by and he looks at me and says, 'Hey, Larry King, beautiful grandchildren, great-looking daughter.' That hurt...."

Plus, this exclusive. The King of Talk tells Mike Wallace why he would rather interview the The King of Pop than The King of Evil.

King: "...Here's an interesting question: I'll get you Saddam Hussein tonight for an exclusive or Michael Jackson tonight for an exclusive. Both will talk about anything you want to talk about."

Wallace: "Who will I take? No contest. Saddam Hussein."

King: "I would take Jackson and I would beat you if we go head to head. Saddam Hussein tends to be boring. He's more predictable as to what he's going to say: 'Yes, my troops will carry on. They carry on in my name. The infidels came to my country.'"

Wallace: "Wait a second. Wait a second. On 'Larry King.'"

King: "Maybe I'll get him to say more."

Wallace: "No, no, no."

King: "Are you asking me, would I personally rather..."

Wallace: "You'd throw him softballs."

King [laughing]: "...You'll never be back in this house. You told me you'd be nice, Mike. You can't be nice, can you, Mike? You know, [it's] something in you, you just can't be [nice]. I would rather do Saddam Hussein, but who would cause the most interest and concern? Hands down, Michael Jackson."

Larry Gets His Dream Gig

Duh duh daaa do do dah dah - Wake up Larry

Duh duh daaa do dee doo dah - Mister King!

Rrmmmphh... mmm...

Duh duh daaa do do dah dah - Come on gorgeous, come on.

Rrrrrr shlufff uhh, huh?

Duh dee daaa do dee doo dah - Sleepy head!

Yummmph gaa who's there?

It's me - the Larry Fairy. I'm here to grant you your wish.

The Larry Fairy! I'm going to be young again!

Duh duh daaa do do dah dah.

No silly. Guess again.

My heart is going to be like brand new!

No, no...

My ex-wives are going to quietly pass away!

Duh duh daaa do dee doo dah.

No such luck, Mister King. Want one more guess?

I'm going to be universally loved and respected by my colleagues!

AND NOW, CNN PRESENTS LARRY KING LIVE...

You are a funny man, Larry. I'm just a fairy, not a friggin deity. Just listen.

TONIGHT'S SPECIAL GUEST IS THE KING OF POP, MICHAEL JACKSON.

But I'm still wearing my pajamas! Yiiiiiiiii!

LARRY KING: After numerous charges of child diddling, any number of bizarre incidents, frequent court cases, and literally decades of what some people would call unacceptable behavior, including the attempted murder of his youngest child by dangling from a precipice, and the befouling of Lisa Marie, Michael Jackson calls it all a terrible mistake.

Tonight Michael Jackson, the man worshiped worldwide as the King of Pop, joins us to shed some light on his brother Jermaine and on growing up Jackson and a whole lot more.

We welcome to LARRY KING LIVE tonight Michael Jackson. He was with us sometime back, in spirit at least, when we discussed him with his brother Tito. He was the man at the tail end of the Jackson family. First came...

Michael: Jackie.

KING: Second came...

Michael: Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Michael. Michael, that's me. I.

King: I what?

Michael: That is I.

KING: So Jermaine - he's there right in the middle of the five. No. 3 on the Jackson prodigy of brother. And he's your older brother, as we said, musician, singer and businessman. Founder of the 'Jermaine's Steak and a Tater' restaurant chain. We'll discuss that in awhile.

But basically we're here to discuss the Jacksons and -- well first, what was it like growing up Jackson? I remember when you -- I remember when you played Miami. You were just -- what was that like?

Michael: That was...

KING: You were -- you were like the black Osmonds.

Michael: Oh, really? I hate you Larry. You smell old. No, it was wonderful. But we never had a lot of things that we did that normal children do.

KING: Did the show business thing start like before you were born? Were you singing in utero?

Michael: My God, that's such a dumb question. Of course. Jermaine was already three or four at the time.

KING: Was it your father that drove all of you into the business?

Michael: My father and my mother, pretty much. My father, yes. You know, sometimes I call the bastard and just breathe on the phone. Maybe, go Hee!, and he'll be like <deep voice> 'Michael, is that you?' and I'll just hang up...

KING: Did you like diddling kids? Were you a kid yourself when you first diddled...

Michael: Well, that's all we knew. But Larry, you know we're here to discuss Jermaine.

KING: Rats! So, okay, what -- Michael help me -- was the first big break that the Jackson 5 got that made you well known?

Michael: There was a lot of big breaks. But I say probably "The Ed Sullivan Show."

KING: Ed Sullivan was like news when he put you on, right? Here they are, the Jackson 5.

Michael: Yes. Yes. He was incredible just watching him backstage. He was like Frankenstein, you know, and Jermaine asked him a question. He said, Do you do this every show? because he would smoke a cigarette and then put it out right before they called him and step on it and walk out. And he slapped Jermaine across the ear, which popped his eardrum. And that's how I ended up on stage. Because of Mister Sullivan.

KING: Wow. That's some story.

Michael: Yeah. Yes it is.

KING: I mean, Jermaine, he was just acute little boy with all that talent.

Michael: Yeah.

King: And Ed Sullivan just smacked him one and popped his eardrum, and that's how you got to be the singer?

Michael: Yeah. The rest is history, as they say.

KING: Wow. And am I the first one to ever hear that story?

Michael: Jermaine was the first...

KING: But am I the first big time journalist to ever hear the story?

Michael: Well, I told Ed Bradley, but they didn't air that part of the interview...

KING: So, I'm the first journalist to ever air this story?

Michael: Well, Carson Daley...

KING: So, I'm the first ever prime time news journalist to ever air this story?

Michael: Yes.

KING: There you go folks, another Larry King exclusive.

Michael:

KING: So when did the Jacksons break up?

Michael: The Jacksons. The Jackson really never really broke up. We've held that thing together so when Jermaine was...

KING: When Jermaine was a tour, there's someone from the Jacksons always involved?

Michael: No. No. No. When Jermaine does a tour, Jermaine tours because he has such great success with... uh, 'Let's Be Young Tonight' and things like that. But it's just that the chemistry of just the original Jackson 5 coming back together is like magic for all of us.

KING: Speaking of young, what's the youngest boy you've ever diddled?

Michael: I am not a diddler of young boys, Larry, and that question was not about Jermaine.

KING: Rats. Mmm, did Jermaine ever diddle a young boy.

Michael: No.

KING: To the best of your knowledge, that would be a no?

Michael: To the best of my knowledge, that's right.

KING: How about you?

Michael: How about me, what?

KING: Never mind. Well let's take a few calls. Go ahead, Renaldo, in New Haven, Connecticut.

Renaldo: Do you really call that <bleep> Jesus Juice?

KING: Michael, the caller wants to know if you really call wine 'Jesus Juice'.

Michael: Yes I do. And that question wasn't about Jermaine.

KING: Okay, we're standing by for your calls to the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, about his brother Jermaine ...........................<pause> ............... ...................................................................
......................................................<pause>..
..............................<pause> ....go ahead, Brad, from Columbus, Ohio.

Brad: Howard Stern

King: Michael, the caller wants to ask if you know Howard Stern.

Michael: No I don't.

KING: Uhh, I understand that Howard Stern claims that you diddle youngsters. Is that true?

Michael: No.

King: Rats..... Well, Thanks to everyone for joining us tonight. Hope you enjoyed listening to Michael Jackson speaks up as a brother would for another brother. More news ahead on your most trusted name in news. Good night to our...

Michael: It's only twelve minutes past nine. I'm on for the whole hour.

KING: <pause> So Michael, what's good at 'Jermaine's Steak and a Tater'?

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 00:31:28 GMT

TWO FINAL WORDS ON BEHALF OF A HALF OF A JACKSON

The Best Word.

The Washington Post has one thing going for it that’s pretty hard to deny; it has some of the best sports writers you’re ever going to find. Everybody knows Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon from their daily gig ‘PTI’ on ESPN, but we’ve got more. The great Shirley Povich wrote for the Post for 40! Years, and we’ve got authors William Gildea, Thomas Boswell, and the recently returned best selling writer, Sally Jenkins. Today she writes about Janet Jackson and the Superbowl Scandal.

Ms. Jenkins surely has surely written the most succinct piece on this non-event that you are likely to find. Good for Jackson, she says. “Maybe now we'll finally grasp the fact that the league is just another mass entertainment company, the Viacom of sports.” Read ‘NFL Exposed for What It Is’.

The Last Word is left to Steve Raker.

Overshadowed by the Janet Jackson boob* incident is the alarming number of penis thefts that have occurred during stage performances. As witnessed during the Superbowl halftime show, male performers are constantly in fear of a penis heist. They must check with their hands every ten seconds or so to ensure that no one has absconded with their man meat. This gets in the way of the choreography and is a distraction for the performers.

Luckily, necessity is the mother of invention. My good friend Jeff and I have developed a penis protection system, similar to a spaceship force field. If penis theft is attempted, if the outer protective shield is penetrated, an electronic shockwave will emanate from the head of the member, incapacitating all within three feet of the dancing dangler. We look forward to a time when male singers can feel secure in Mr. Johnson's safety and use their hands for artistic expression.

*right boob only. Has anyone investigated whether this might be a terrorist call to arms, in the style of Paul Revere?

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 15:55:02 GMT

Poor, poor Jessica Lynch.

She suffered, she truly did.

Lost in the desert, her bones crushed, her colleagues dead. It was luck, not sand, that jammed her M-16. If she had really gone down in a blaze of gunfire and glory, she would have gone down for good.

"We went and we did our job, and that was to go to the war, but I wish I hadn't done it - I wish it had never happened," Lynch says. "I'd give four hundred billion dollars. I'd give anything."

There are numerous reasons that people join the all Volunteer army, but for a large number of enlistees the overriding motivation is to try and catch a break in a life that my look less than rosy. It works (it really does) on a resume, and if you serve the time, you can may be able to afford an education. That was Jessica's reason. She wanted to be a teacher.

Surprising, isn't it, that a bright and pretty teenage girl had aspirations of being something beyond a supply clerk. That was her job in the army, only so that she could escape having such a job for the rest of her life.

There is really no such thing as a safe job in the vicinity of a battlefield. Photographers get shot. Cooks get shot. Supply clerks get shot. But they don't get turned into heroes all that often. There is a very good reason why people tend to support the troops even when they don't support the war. It is an act of bravery to serve, because there is always the chance that things will go terribly wrong.

Jessica was turned into a superstar, a larger that life Rambogirl fighting through the pain. A movie star. And a very fine script was built up around her. (I know that I bought it initially - it was too bold to be false.)

Truth, though, is hard to find in the reign of the second Bush. It is inconvenient... no, it is worse than inconvenient, truth serves as a cheap veneer which hides the larger truth, if only you had eyes to see.

Hassan i Sabbah showed his followers a facsimile of paradise, and taught them how to live - even at their own peril - beyond the reach of all the laws of God and Man. "Nothing is true," shouts The Assassin from the mountain fortress of Alamut. "Everything is permitted."

No one ever really dies...

Lynch has become a true hero now. "They used me as a way to symbolize all this stuff." She has given voice to the lie behind the lie. "That wasn't me. I wasn't about to take credit for something I didn't do. I'm not that person." The fourth wall has tumbled down. She has broken character in what was supposed to be the role of a lifetime. For that shall she now be destroyed? Watch...

"You'll never work in this town again."

Jessica tells of a kindly nurse, who would sometimes take note when she was in significant pain. She would come to Lynch's bed, rub her shoulders, and sing to her.

"It was a pretty song, and I would sleep."
11/12/03

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 15:53:15 GMT

"Make me look pretty." - Liza to court artist upon arriving in court yesterday to begin divorce proceedings against bizarre 'husband' David Guest.

Guest did not appear, according to his lawyer, because Liza has beaten him so bad that he is permanently injured and unable to appear. Guest is asking for seven million to help him with his pain and suffering.

Minneli's lawyer produced a videotape of Guest hosting a New Year's Eve concert. (Guest hosting. Priceless.) His lawyer, Raoul Felder, proved quick on his feet. ''He had to have 20 injections in his head. The problem is he can't fly.''

Liza gave testimony that Guest called her a slob, and forced her to wash her hands with alcohol before allowing her to touch him.

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 01:04:55 GMT

It's Not That You're Not Important

Miss D. I am so sorry. There’s something we need to discuss, right here, right now. You’re not the proper person for this department, so I don’t want you to have to go through all the hassle of getting comfortable, only to have the seat pulled out from underneath you. Fair enough? Let’s see what else we have…

Yes. Yes I do know your daddy. Your daddy is a congressman... Do you want a challenge? There are a number of sectors in the company that can provide you with a challenge. For instance, our Caliper retooling department. Our calipers get out of calibration and there’s all heck to pay in the front office. But the job is not without it’s moments of glory. Think about it, and I’m sure you’ll get my meaning.

A little too challenging? Well, that’s understandable. So, lets take stock: you don’t really have the temperament for the Acquisitions group, and caliper retooling seems to be a little intense for your taste… How about the Mail Room? That’s something you might like. No. M A I L. It’s not as important as it used to be, what with email taking over a lot of the communication space, but there’s still a lot of trade journals to be sorted through. The pays not much, just 90K a year, but if you keep your nose clean, there’s a good possibility of moving up to a guardianship role… yes, that’s where you carry the keys and let the postman in and out of the building. You’d also be in charge of the UPS shipment. No, just incoming, not outgoing… The girl with outgoing UPS has a Masters in English Lit. You know her daddy? Senator daddy, not congressman daddy. Much better, daddy-wise.

I know! Tunnel Master! That’s you to a T. T stands for tunnel and T stands for Timmy Thompson The Third, the first and greatest Tunnel Master Tyrone Products has ever seen.

You’re not afraid of alligators are you? I mean, you’re not afraid that one of them might sneak up behind you and bite you on the ass are you? Because it really doesn’t happen all that often. Mmm, I think we’ve had two, maybe three ass bitings since I’ve worked here, no more than that. A good Tunnel Master keeps their eyes on the tunnel… it really shouldn’t be much of a problem. Just look up once in a while.

No? Well, I don’t know what else we can offer you. You’re not aggressive enough for acquisitions, you’re intimidated by caliper retooling, you don’t want mailroom unless you can have outgoing UPS, and you think alligators are yucky. Yes, I can see that your legs go up to there. Funny thing, so do mine. But that’s neither here nor there.

Weather person? …I hadn’t thought about it, but people do get tired of looking out the window. I think you’ll be pleased to know that’s going to result in a little pay raise. Yes, that does mean wardrobe expenses… To an extent...

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 01:40:27 GMT

Jutting Chin

Once...
Humbert Humbert has told Lo that her mother is dead, it is a strong and steady drive into madness.

There is a piece that takes place after Humbert has seriously hit the road, and has made his move past jealousy and into paranoia. He is still hanging in there, but just barely.

As happens with me at periods of electrical disturbance and crepitating lightnings. I had hallucinations. Maybe they were more than hallucinations. I do not know what she or he, or both had put into my liquor but one night I felt sure somebody was tapping on the door of our cabin. And I flung it open, and noticed two things – that I was stark naked and that, white glistening in the rain-dripping darkness, there stood a man holding before his face the mask of Jutting Chin, a grotesque sleuth in the funnies.

Jutting Chin! That sounds so realistic, so fifties. I just let it pass. It was foolish of me to think that I could google up the stealthy Mr. Chin. Of course, there was never any such character. But is there any doubt that Nabokov was referring to the man below?

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 00:28:46 GMT

"I'm ready for my sliming, Mister Hoback"

photo (c) 2004, Paul Hinrichs

I am recklessly treading into the territory already staked out by World 'O Crap, but as Bill O'Reilly has told us, the internet is a vile and dangerous place. Reckless and lawless, "we have people posting the most vile stuff imaginable, hiding behind high tech capabilities." Which means, basically, that I’m free to just barge in and steal their turf.

Yes, it’s New Years Day, and I am reading the latest column by Jan Ireland entitled 'Liberals, Conservatives, and Blog Homage'. It seems that Jan has discovered blogs, and they're everywhere! The web is filthy with them. And a heck of a lot of them are filled with liberal vitriol. Some of them have even gone as far as to disrespect Jan.

Jan finds it amazing to find bits of her work on the web. Exactly why this would be amazing I’m not sure, since that is the desired result for most writers, but what the heck. If she says she’s amazed, I’ll take her word for it. It seems that the real slight is the failure of these bloggers to send a note saying like “‘look for my slime of you in the near future’ at such and such site’.” Believe me, I won’t make that mistake. I’m sending a note before I post this piece.

Ireland found out about this Brouhaha the hard way. By googling on her own name. Now I’m not going to say whether or not I’ve ever done this; that would be way to embarrassing. Okay, I’ve done it. But I tell you what, I’ve never looked at the entire list – my attention span is far too short for that, and I don’t even have that many hits.

Of course, neither does Jan. Ireland only gets about 8000 hits on Google, whereas other conservative pundits are in the respectable six figures. Ann Coulter, for example, gets 232,000, and Andrew Sullivan polls a cool 300,000. For goodness sakes, even George Will pulls 200,000, and nobody's looking for him anymore. I bet Jan was secretly thrilled to find herself dissed on the web.

Because, as she says, they aren’t really disrespecting her. You see, when you look beneath the surface, it becomes clear what these bloggers are doing. They are paying homage to the writers that they belittle, they are giving praise to the ideas that they disparage. As Jan explains, “They would blog to a purple rage to deny it, but vitriol is actually their way of seeking approval from conservatives.”

I’ll have to admit that when I googled her, I couldn’t find a blog that even mentioned Jan until I got to number 78. I had a feeling who that might be. See, in spite of writing essays with provocative titles such as “Lipstick on the Pig” and “Bimbo Babes Babbling About Bush”, Jan is pretty tight when it comes to naming names. All she will say is “Conservatives always see the humor amid the ‘world o’ crap’ found in so many liberal blogs.”

Come on, Jan! It doesn't cost anything to give a link!

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 12:22:38 GMT

FORMER FIRST LADY IN THE BUFF?

According to the Round Raoul Newswire, the self-titled ‘King of Late Night Talk’, Larry King is hunting for videotape rumored to show former first lady Barbara Bush in the nude.

This is just wrong, in so many ways.

“Things can get wild up at Kennebunkport, and Barbra can create a lot of heat. We have definitely heard the story of her nude speed boating, and I can confirm that we have a plant in the family,'' King told Round Raoul, “but we have not been able to get our hands on this item - yet. But usually where there's smoke, there's fire, so we're still looking.''

King is offering $100,000 for the tape, say our sources, who are considered reliable. After all, they are our sources.

King is a collector of First Lady Memorabilia, and proudly displays such favorite items as Rosalyn Carter’s toothpick box, and Mamie Eisenhower’s knickers.

King told Round Raoul “I’m very excited about the possibility of acquiring this item. The former first lady is a wonderful lady, a marvelous multi-talented lady. And I for one would like to see more of her.”

Presidential spokesman Scott McLelland, speaking to Round Raoul on condition of anonymity, called King “A very talented journalistic personality, an American Icon, but aside from that, he’s one really sick motherfucker.”

Mon, 26 Jan 2004 21:51:09 GMT

For reasons known only to his own personal Lord and Savior, U.S. Army Sgt. Maj. Cesar Castro today visited Saddam Hussein's world famous SpiderHole™ with a life-sized cardboard cutout of Elvis Presley (skinny version).

"It seemed like a good idea to bring Elvis to Saddam's hole to show that Elvis was even here," said Castro, a Dallas native with a serious need for some down time. "I was surprised though. I thought the hole was going to be bigger."

It is uncertain whether Castro was referring to the hole in the ground or the whole where Presley's mouth should have been. Elvis was not looking his best, having become a bit bleached out by the Tikrit sun and battered by sand storms.

Showing an utter lack of self-awareness, Castro said that he would like to see the SpiderHole™ filled in so that local people can "continue their lives without having all these disturbances".

Mon, 26 Jan 2004 16:54:53 GMT

You thought I would run?
Ha. Ha. Ha.
You are even stupider than me.
Or perhaps... uh,
You are even stupider than me. That is what I think.
You would maybe have voted for me. That is what I think.
You are even stupider than me.
Why is this negro looking at me?

You thought I wouldn't run?
Ha. Ha. Ha.
You are even stupider than I said before.
I mean that in an affectionate way.
By stupid, I mean hard working and in need of honest leadership. That is what I think.
You will probably vote for me. That is what I think.
I have name recognition.
You think it will be exciting to have Governor Terminator.
You are even stupider than me.
I mean that affectionately.

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 14:21:02 GMT

Modern Marketing on Parade

For whiz-bang marketing on demand, it's hard to beat Hero Builders, who already have the 'Captured Saddam' action figure ready to ship for your Christmas gift giving. 12 inches of genuine plastic in an all cotton ace of spades t-shirt for only $29.99.

The rush to market, however, means that this doll should be purchased only by the hard core collector. You see, Hero Builders specializes in talking dolls**, and this Saddam hasn't found his voice yet. Here's an example of HB's craftsmanship; a few words from their talking Uday doll.

**Action figure is what you call a doll if you're a boy.

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 00:01:33 GMT

Bill O'Reilly Celebrates Milestone

Bill O'Reilly gave away his 100,000th copy of 'Who's Looking Out for You', at 1:33 PM EST Friday. The event occurred during the live broadcast of O'Reilly's 'Radio Factor' show. Officials from Guinness were on hand to certify this record breaking accomplishment and pose for photographs.

The 100,000th copy was given to a lucky, open minded listener who called in with a really good question about 'whether we should or should not be interested in the Michael Jackson matter, and if this whole sorry mess wasn't just a foreshadowing of what's to come in the evolving culture war'. O'Reilly quickly rejoined that the appearance of big name show biz celebrities like Janet Jackson and Tito were indictment of the whole corrupt 'rap music gangbangers people, who we just don't need, regardless of their race'. He then went quickly to commercial as the crew broke out the champagne.

When O'Reilly's book was released in the fall of 2003, O'Reilly vowed to give away more copies of his book than Hillary did of hers. Reached for comment, the New York senator had this to say: "Oh. Well, I guess he beat me fair and square. I haven't given away half that many."

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 18:14:20 GMT

1966 would have been right about the time that I first discovered Lenny Bruce, the Patron Saint of a good 50% of what strikes any of us as funny these days. 1966 was also the year he OD'd, having been beaten down by the man back in the days when being beaten down by the man really meant something.

Today, 37 years after his death, Gov. George A. Pataki issued Bruce a posthumous gubernatorial pardon, calling it "a declaration of New York's commitment to upholding the First Amendment." Lenny wasted the last three years of his life being not very funny, spending his time fighting obscenity and drug charges instead of making us laugh, as he should have been doing.

Lenny Bruce was funny as a motherfucker. That's a statement I would not have been able to make today if it were not for the sacrifices that Lenny made long ago.

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 15:39:15 GMT

ABC/WP Poll: Jackson Still Weird

A new ABC - Washington Post poll shows that a vast majority of Americans still think that Michael Jackson is 'weird'. The poll was taken directly after his appearance on '60 Minutes', which a spokesman admitted 'didn't do a damn bit of good'.

A full eighty-nine percent of those surveyed agree that they were sure that Michael "must be guilty of something", although there is widespread disagreement as to what that something is.

Eighty-three per cent of respondents say that Jackson is 'icky', up from eighty percent who described him this way in May. Eighty-one percent say that he is 'yucky', also up three percent.

Seventy-two percent say that he is guilty of wearing far too much make up, and looking like 'a cheap French whore'.

Fifty-four percent of respondents feel that he is just too whiney. "It just never stops," said Madeline Parks of Rosefield, Ohio. "He gets started with that twee little voice and I just want to smack him across the chops."

Eleven percent blame Jackson for the war in Iraq, "just because."

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 15:25:37 GMT

Well, I looked at my watch
I looked at my wrist
I punched myself in the face
With my fist
I took my potatoes
Down to be mashed
Then I made it on over
To that million dollar bash.
- Bob Dylan

From NewZimbabwe.com comes the tragic news that

President Mugabe is insane.

A story like this is so refreshing to read. What wouldn’t I give to see this same piece in a major American paper, directed to an American politician.

A newzimbabwe.com poll of 2605 Zimbabweans shows that 82 percent of them think President Mugabe has gone stark raving mad, and that that a full three quarters of them would "back a precision military strike" to wipe out his ass in order to remove him from office.

Mugabe has lost his senses
	Big Time
	No
	He's a victim of racist meddling

This is so great. I am so sure that the current American administration would say "I think if you'll pay attention, you'll note that this is the sort of thing you can't say in an un-democratic country."

Just to be fair, I read up on President Mugabe, and found that he indeed is insane. Right now, he's cruising around in his yacht, shopping in Asia. Last week, he stole an airliner to start his vacation.

I love the honesty of the language, don't you?

We asked our readers to vote in the polls supervised by Pollhost.com. In one poll – conducted through the newzimbabwe.com website - we asked if our readers thought President Mugabe had lost his senses. An amazing 82 percent of the respondents thought he had lost his senses big time, 11 percent thought he was a victim of racist meddling while only five percent trust him and think he is still sane.

Okay, so President Mugabe is on our feature board from now on, and you can look forward to many more exploits of his up until he is taken out with a precision military strike. But I need a true test of how unloved he truly is, so I went to a humor forum linked from newzimbabwe.com in search of possible rude jokes.

Share the love with a couple of the gentle ones.

Q: What is transparent and lies in a gutter?
A: Mugabe with the shit kicked out of him.

Q: Why Mugabe cant drive a sports car?
A: Because his lips are so full of shit they flap in the wind and will rip the top of his head off.

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 12:33:48 GMT

2 Cute 2 Be 4 Gotten

Linda Tripp. She was one of the least polarizing figures in modern history, the Michael Jackson of politics. Left, right, center, apolitical; Clinton lovers, Clinton haters, they all agreed on one thing. This woman was a skank ho, someone you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. Someone you wouldn’t want your dog to be alone with. Here is a phrase I bet you’ve never heard – “I sure do admire that Tripp woman.”

And Larry King. Scary, scary, Larry King, possibly the most vapid interviewer that is even mentioned in the same breath as news. An ego as big as all out doors, and lips ever ready to pucker up for any posterior. If you want a softball, ask the king to pitch. Here’s another phrase you’ve never heard – “I sure wish I had his interviewing skills.”

Well, now, here’s Larry, the King of Talk, scoring the interview nobody else wanted, one full hour of nothing but Linda Tripp. I’m so sorry I missed this, but at least I have the transcript.

Linda had a big announcement to make.

TRIPP: I'm engaged, to my childhood sweetheart, who, I'm sure, is watching this right now.

KING: Your childhood sweetheart?

TRIPP: Yeah.

KING: Who you went together in high school?

TRIPP: No, we were 10 years old when we met. Yeah.

KING: And you drifted other ways? Is that him?

TRIPP: Where? Yes.

KING: Wow. And he is who?

TRIPP: His name is Dieter, and he actually...

KING: Dieter's his first name?

TRIPP: Oh, look, there's the shop. My goodness.

KING: This is the shop you own?

TRIPP: It's his shop, actually. But it's a family business. I help.

KING: This is the Christmas Sleigh Shop in Middleburg, Virginia?

TRIPP: Yes, it is.

KING: And his full name is what?

TRIPP: Dieter Rausch. And he's a wonderful man. And he was a wonderful child. And he was my first kiss, actually. We met in 1961.

KING: And you're getting married when?

TRIPP: In early spring.

KING: How did you meet again?

TRIPP: Well, he had stayed in touch with my family over the years. He had lived next to my grandmother, who lived in Germany. So we saw each other summers. And we had saved each other's letters over the years. And he had made me a little box when he was 10 years old, where he had collected shells in Italy and glued them to the box. And that was to hold all his letters in.

KING: No kidding?

TRIPP: And I still have them.

KING: So you got married, did he get married?

TRIPP: He was married briefly in his 40s. It didn't work out. And we found each other again three years ago.

KING: In Middleburg?

TRIPP: In Germany.

KING: In Germany and now -- and then he moved to -- you moved to Middleburg, he moved to Middleburg, too?

TRIPP: He has since moved to Middleburg, yes.

KING: How do your kids get along with him?

TRIPP: Allison is very close to him. Ryan isn't living locally, so he sees him less frequently. But I think they both like him.

KING: Is he concerned vis-a-vis the cancer? It's something you have to think about as you approach marriage.

TRIPP: He was so incredible when we had the diagnosis. Immediately his reaction was, we'll get through this. We'll get through it together.

KING: What was his reaction when your name was on front page headlines in Lewinsky and Clinton and tapings? How did he handle all that, being apart from you?

TRIPP: Apparently he had phoned my mother several times saying that did I have someone with whom I could really speak and unload? And did I have a shoulder and that kind of thing?

KING: He was supportive then? TRIPP: He was very supportive. He knew that the betrayal issue was impossible, essentially.

KING: You're excited?

TRIPP: About him?

KING: About getting married to a 10-year-old -- he was 10 years old when you first kissed, you're getting married, that's a great story.

TRIPP: Oh, we didn't kiss until I was 14. But yes, we started being together when I was 10.

She’s as cocksure as ever. I don’t think this woman has ever shown a moment of self-doubt in her life. Let’s let Larry attempt to field a call.

KING: Let's take calls for Linda Tripp. And if you want to know more information on her foundation, go to lindatripp.com. It's as simple as that, lindatripp.com.

Bridgeport, West Virginia, hello.

CALLER: Hello, Larry. I love your show...

KING: Hello, I can't hear you.

CALLER: In regards to your friendship, or -- with Monica Lewinsky, I wondered, I guess you've already answered that you don't really feel guilty about what happened to her. But I was wondering if you don't think that the reason that you set her up was just because you wanted to bring Bill Clinton down because you're a Republican?

KING: That was the thinking of those. You should respond to that, because that was the general thinking.

TRIPP: I'm not a Republican. I've never been a Republican. I worked for two administrations. I worked for the first George Bush and for Bill Clinton. And I'm a registered independent.

KING: Did you vote for Clinton?

TRIPP: No, I did not.

KING: But your design was not to bring a presidency down?

TRIPP: No. I mean, I was an army wife for 20 years. The notion that I would do something unpatriotic after spending 20 years as an army officer's wife is ludicrous, but it played well in the press. There needed to be a villain that wasn't a president trying to fix a court case.

KING: New York City, hello.

CALLER: Yes. My question is, does she feel bad at all for what this country went through for such meaningless damage because of her betrayal.

Thank you, Larry.

KING: The term meaningless might mean, so what. In other words, in the scheme of things, a president lied about an affair, so what.

TRIPP: My question is, where is the outrage?

I was outraged -- remember, the Lewinsky thing for me was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had watched corruption, abuse and illegal behavior since January of 1993, when I worked in the Oval Office for Bill Clinton. Where is the outrage when the president of the United States abuses a subordinate that way during our time, during the work day in the White House. I find that offensive. This was a mixed-up, unstable young woman. And, yes, I don't think that's something that should be swept under the carpet. I think that was unconscionable.

And for a finale, Larry brings in her daughter, Allison Tripp.

KING: Did you ever meet Monica?

A. TRIPP: Yes, I did.

KING: Where was that, and what was it like?

A. TRIPP: It was actually -- I met her before the -- we had a Christmas party. And she came over to chat with my mom for a little bit, I guess. I don't know what about. But she was, you know -- she came across as a little flaky. Just a little flaky. And naive and young. And I was 18 at the time I think when that was happening. She might have been 22.

KING: You felt older than her?

A. TRIPP: A little bit. A little bit.

KING: When your mom had the work done and the plastic surgery, were you supportive?

A. TRIPP: Yes. Yes. I was there for her, too. It was a bit much, but...

TRIPP: She never thought it was necessary. So.

KING: Yeah, but look how great she looks.

Larry King and Linda Tripp. Like peanut butter and chocolate, they’re two great tastes that belong together.

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 12:15:54 GMT

The Aki and Paw Paw Archives

Ladies and Gentlemen

It's Aki and Paw Paw!

Searching for Celebrities

If you want to do the crime without doing the time, you can't find a much better choice of wrongdoing than rioting. Rioting is a numbers game, the knowledge that 'they got the guns, but you got the numbers'. You have to be pretty wasted (or darn unlucky) to get busted at a mid-sized riot. Also, belonging to a group crime carries a certain social cache, a night with the neighbors as it were.

Take Sierra Leone. Please. According to the AP "Thousands of fans rioted at Sierra Leone's national stadium Saturday when authorities substituted two local dwarf comedians for a widely anticipated out-of-town midget duo. Police arrested 30 people, amid damage and dozens of injuries." See, only 30 busted out of thousands of rioters, and most of these were people who were trying to steal the stadium seats. (No details available, but who wants to bet that the seats were concrete?)

Now. speaking in defense of the rioters, it would be unfair of me to ignore the fact that the act that was cancelled was the rib-tickling team of Nigerian funnymen Aki and Paw Paw. I would have to guess that these are very funny midgets indeed, for the crowd to have gotten this riled up.

What can we learn from this? First, any fool knows that dwarf comedians are nowhere nearly a funny as midget comedians. It's those stubby little fingers - they can be very distracting.

Secondly, and more importantly, Sierra Leone is really hurting for celebrities. I mean, really - I googled 'Aki and Paw Paw' and got no hits at all. Then I searched for Sierra Leone celebrities with the same dismal result. This tells me even more - not only does Sierra Leone have no decent celebrities, they have no decent celebrity journalists. Why can I find pictures of neither Aki or Paw Paw? This is wrong.

As an American, I am fortunate to live in a land where we have the greatest celebrities in the world. We have more celebrities than we could shake a stick at. I call on the leadership of this country to send some of our fine celebrities to the deprived people of Sierra Leone. What a difference a Baldwin brother could make! Tina Yothers, you could be queen, baby. And Gary Coleman, what can I say? I think they're gonna love you.

The Return of Aki and Paw Paw

Aki and Paw Paw first burst into my consciousness about four weeks ago. The miniature Nigerian Funnymen caused a heck of a riot in Sierra Leone by virtue of their absence, and I fully expected to be reading about their exploits for many days to come.

Alas, it was not to be. I searched for them, and could never find further information. Not even a picture, and lets face it, when you're writing about Nigerian midget comedians, you really have to have a picture. Was the story of the riot even true? I wrote it off, forgot about it. Until today, that is, when I discovered an amazing fact.

The little dudes aren't even named Aki and Paw Paw (why they call them that in Sierra Leone is another question). Granted, this is much easier to pronounce than Osita Iheme and Chinedu Ikedieze, but it really complicates a search.

So, are they really famous? I'll say. With 42 features available from Klub Afrika, they're on a pace to surpass even Michael Caine in the churning 'em out club. And hey dude, these films are funny. Listen to this capsule review for 'Awilo Sharp-Sharp': "The added effect of the Comedy Twins Osita Iheme and Chinedu Ikedieze makes this an outstanding comedy... I wouldn't miss this comedy for anything. As if part 1 was not rib-cracking enough, they had to do part 2.... so therefore, rent both parts now."

Here's a couple of my favorite covers.

'Lagos Boys', wherein Aki and Paw Paw really get on Dad's nerves with their crazy shenanigans. Dad (James Nelson) tells the boys that if they don't calm down he's going to break their little necks.

Uh-oh, looks like the jokes gonna be on Dad!

'House Boys for Sale', wherein Mom gets really put out over Aki and Paw Paw's non-stop mischief. Mom (June Wellington) takes the boys off to town where she attempts to trade them to the local people for a couple of pigs, or even a goat!

'Small Shit'. No synopsis available.

All the World's a Stage, and We Are But Aki and Paw Paw: an opinion from Sheka Tarawallie.

The Aki and Paw Paw story was one of our very favorites of 2003, and now that we have learned the secret identities of these little guys (Osita Iheme and Chinedu Ikedieze), we will keep out ears finely tuned for all the A&PP news.

The following excerpts are from a column by Sheka Tarawallie that was posted in the OpEd section of AllAfrica.com. The piece was taken from Sierra Leone's Concord Times, and is titled 'The Day the Nigerian Midget Comedians Came'.

I am not a fan of Nigerian movies - I must state from the outset, unequivocally. Since they started filtering into this country in the early/mid nineties, I have been one of the few journalists that raised a voice in protest for caution. The initial films were, to me, preposterous: full of myth, horror, superstition, and underworld activities. After much criticism, there was a change to films dealing with social issues. Films of intrigue, subterfuge, deception, greed, lust, robbery, twisted love subsequently carried the day.

Sheka is so much a fan of Nigerian films, as he approves again and again. Here comes history. So spans the magnificence of the film life of Nigeria. Yes, it took ten years to reach this vaulted state, but art is not speedy.

The writer here is apparently a journalist who knows a great bit about cinema. A search for Sheka Tarawallie would suggest that he is probably the editor of Torchlight, an independent Sierra Leone newspaper that has been shut down from time to time by the government. World Press Review puts it like this: The dilemma of a Sierra Leonean journalist is simple: Report for the rebels, and you are a collaborator, and the penalty is treason. Report for the government, and your punishment is summary execution if you are caught by Sankoh's RUF bandits. This goes a long way towards explaining why Sheka is now writing about Aki and Paw Paw instead of human rights issues.

Eventually, Nigerian films (to the chagrin of Chinese and Indian or even American films) became a sine qua non in the daily existence of our nation. <Yes, we Americans have made many great films, but we cannot hold a candle to the artistry of Nigeria.> The various posters, scattered around town and even upcountry in mostly makeshift buildings, are often surrounded by on-lookers. In Sierra Leone's various homes, Nigerian actors and actresses have gained extra prominence popularity: Omotola, Ramsey, Emeka, and Genevieve are, to put it mildly, household names. <Omotola, Buster, Cyclops, and Thalideous; these are the names of my closest kin.> And by coming to Sierra Leone, they have now become personal names - as parents name their children after these artists.

But two names (perpetually jointly called since we came to know them), Aki and Paw Paw, have risen above the household and the personal to enter into our national life, bringing a whole nation to a state of self-scrutiny and self-penury.

You know, I just don't think, at this point, that Sheka is gonna apologize for tearing down the nice stadium that China built for Sierra Leone. You think they're coming back and building it again, Sheka? I dunno...

The destruction of our National Stadium last week cannot only be seen as an accident or a well-orchestrated occurrence; but should be viewed from the perspective of corroborative analysis and interpretation. Only recently have the Chinese rebuilt the stadium, why within months should Sierra Leoneans destroy it all of a sudden? Are we really all rebels? Was it a premeditated plan? Or was it spontaneous?

I am absolutely positive that I have stated my opinion on this before. I F*ING hate rhetorical questions. Don't hand me a goddamn rhetorical question. I'm liable to rip your head off... Maybe you would like to explain this all as a sports thing. You know, we have riots in this country after sports events. Just look at LA or Philly, after a big loss or a big win.

Football <i.e., soccer> suffered a fatal blow, only revived under NPRC rule. Thereafter, apart from the individual excellence of players, Sierra Leonean football dropped, and it became a byword. And then, just recently, we were eliminated by a Congolese side at home, throwing us away from international football for four - four bloody - years. <trashed! tossed away! no longer worthy! Redskins fans should riot too!> We bowed in shame. And the question became: what's the purpose of the stadium now?

Except for entertainment! Vicky Boy's Production came in to bring Nigerian actors - popular as they are - in Sierra Leone. The sensational duo, Aki and Paw Paw were coming to town The city was excited, particularly after the earlier appearance of Genevieve and co.

This is starting to look serious, isn't it? The stadium is alive, disastrously overloaded. People want to see the fucking Nigerian midgets. Funny sunofabitches, those two. Goddamn. Even though they're pushing forty, they still look like little kids. So cute in those shorts...

Expectations were high to see the live performance of the twin-like diminutive actors. Till twelve midnight - no Aki, no Paw Paw. They were still playing the MC game (like Saddam's Information Minister) when a chair flew from the presidential pavilion. It was the signatory tune. What followed was an outburst of anger and rage: glasses, panes, doors, lights, all breakables bore the brunt. Stadium in shambles. Again.

All breakables bore the brunt. Say it three times. Sounds fifty percent better than twice. You just repeat repeat repeat, its a hit baby it's a smash. Did you expect less?

I didn't expect less. Had Sierra Leoneans gone to the stadium... and not seeing what they expected, and had just folded their hands and returned home in a docile manner, then I would have concluded that they were no longer human beings. Indeed human character makes room for anger and other emotions.

No longer human beings? Damn, that's strong. I kind of feel that you're piling on, you know?

If a needle is pierced through a human skin and the body does not react, then it must either be dead or dysfunctional... Anger is a human trait that may lead to disastrous consequences. Anger can make you kill even your loved one - only to regret later... This brings the question of, who led the people to anger to the extent that they would destroy what was - in actual fact - their own?

Goddamn, dude... You seem to be getting awfully upset about a couple of, uhh, very talented midgets. You know, we've got midgets over here in the states... Mini Me, and uh, there was Billy Barty, and all those other midgets, shitloads, yeah, Gary Coleman, that's one. And even though you rambled on a bit, I believe that was another rhetorical question.

Was it fair to treat a people in the manner that they were treated - hoodwinking them to believe that Aki and Paw Paw were coming, and then all they saw was Kontiki theatre, this theatre, that theatre?

<Mmmm...>

Our national life needs to be re-examined, but in this whole game of 419 politics and socialization, it is the poor, innocent people that are being led to the slaughter. 40- something of them have now been lined up for prosecution as those that destroyed the stadium. They may be sent to jail, all in the name of setting an example. However, if we want to set an example, I believe, it should be directed at those who say things that they cannot do - who always fool the people.

You're an angry guy, aren't you Sheka? I dunno. You guys destroyed a stadium that provided at least a little bit of entertainment for the people. Okay. They tried to fool you with some native midgets. But aren't all midgets equally funny?

Aki and Paw Paw are two characters known for their intrigues, and their relish in destroying others' plans. Their preoccupation in virtually all films is to make a normal situation abnormal, in a satirical, ironic way - as it has now happened with the stadium saga. The people had been seeing Aki and Paw Paw play tricks on other people's fortunes over and over. So, on that fateful day, when the two could not come, the people remembered and instead decided to play the two mischievous actors' parts. In a sense, Aki and Paw Paw came - metaphysically: they entered into the people's minds and started acting a film that I can call, "Aki and Paw Paw in Sierra Leone".

Metaphysically, huh? I'll bet that everyone in Sierra Leone is pissed as shit at those little guys now.

Of course this incident has not dampened Sierra Leoneans love for Nigerian films. It has even aroused the interests of the formerly indifferent and disinterested. Therefore the Aki and Paw Paw show that never was could be the best publicity stunt for Nigerian - and Sierra Leonean - actors and actresses so far.

Are you guilty? Did you destroy your stadium? Are you a moron? Do you really think that the people of Sierra Leone should adapt the rambunctious antics of Aki and Paw Paw? Should we tell the DPP?

Please tell the DPP that the people were just acting when they destroyed the stadium - and no one should be arrested (in real life) for just playing his/her role in a movie - whether in breaking a chair or taking it away. After all, the government has also played its part as the unwatchful watchman.

Thanks for the ganja, Sheka! Look, a little advice. Toss in an incendiary but incomprehensible remark about terrorism. I'll edit it for you - just leave that bag on the counter.

Though two of the organizers have now been caught, it still leaves much to be desired from the government that Osama Bin laden could just appear one day in a clean shave proclaiming himself as a John Kamara and then we give him Lumley beach to do his thing. And then at that time more than sixty million leones would be lost!

That is truly a lot of leones!

Real Cold News Stories: Man Eats Paw Paw!!!

Okay, there's nothing new on the midget Nigerian funnymen, so how about this breaking news on a guy named Jaya Dev Orwin who was fined for eating a paw paw? We get this story from The Age in Australia.

Seems like homeless Jaya Dev Orwin just doesn't know what's good for him. Police decided to teach him a lesson, fining him $25 after he flagrantly stole and consumed a paw paw which had fallen from a tree in a Brisbane backyard. Orwin ain't got no twenty-five dollars.

Police cornered Jaya, who was described as a 'starving disability pensioner', as he was finishing the last pieces of the fruit.

It gets worse.

The 26-year-old, who suffers Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and dyslexia, emerged barefoot from the watchhouse after his brief court appearance. He pleaded guilty to a charge of being found unlawfully in a yard at Appleby Road, Stafford Heights, on Brisbane's north side.

Outside the court, Orwin said that before his arrest he had slept overnight in a nearby park after walking more than 15km from the city.He said he had no money after unsuccessful efforts to get an advanced dole payment from Centrelink.

He was found with "remnants" of the paw paw around his mouth.

Caught with the meat in his mouth! Ain't no mollycoddling of your ne're do wells in Brisbane. And what sort of lame ass excuse do you think this dyslexic, ADH disorder having, barefoot, broke, disabled, and thieving motherfucker tried to pass off in an effort to gain sympathy from the bleeding hearts?

"I have been really hungry before and you go a bit scattered." Oh boo hoo. I guess we're supposed to feel sorry for someone who would abscond with a paw paw just because it fell out of a tree. "I have been so hungry I have felt like stabbing someone." Violent as well as a bum. I say lock the cell and throw away the key.

"Everyone has got to eat because you can't walk around with nothing in your guts. The paw paw really fixed me up and they weren't even ripe."

Tell it to the hand.