Thursday, July 07, 2005

Prophet Yahweh: The Roaring Silence 07/07/05 5:59 PM EST He's gone, I guess, vanished with the biggest story of the century tucked snugly beneath his turban. He seemed to have so much promise. As a story, I mean: As a piece of entertainment. He could have been a contender. But in the end, he was so much less than we had hoped. He became nothing but a case study. So it goes. On July 3rd, the thirty-seventh day of his fast, Prophet Yahweh spoke his last. Today, while typing, I heard the voice that calls itself YAHWEH say: "THIS IS A SACRED MOMENT. SEND OUT NO MORE EMAILS UNTIL MY ANGEL'S CHARIOT DESCENDS DOWN FOR YOU TO FILM. NOW FOCUS AND PREPARE YOUR MIND FOR THIS GREAT MOMENT FOR IT WILL COME DOWN FOR YOU TO SEE AND FILM AS I HAD YOU PROPHECISE THAT IT WOULD DO. RELAX YOUR MIND. READ NOTHING. AND PREPARE YOUR HEART FOR THE EVENT'S FULFILLMENT THAT IS NEAR. IT SHALL BE DONE. IT WILL APPEAR OVER LAS VEGAS FOR ALL TO SEE." Because of this, I will not send you anymore emails or read any of your emails to me until after YAHWEH chariot comes down over Las Vegas. We do not know what form this voice comes in, but we imagine the fragrance to be most similar to a pepperoni pizza. THE NEXT TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME, I WILL BE LETTING YOU KNOW THAT THE SPACESHIP IS IN THE AIR OVER LAS VEGAS AND YOU FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN COME HERE TO SEE IT WITH YOUR OWN EYES AND VIDEO TO COME TO MY SUMMONING SITE. AT THAT TIME, I WILL LET YOU KNOW THEY DIRECTIONS TO IT WHERE YOU WILL HAVE THE BEST POSSIBLE VIEW OF THE SHIP. It is curious that for his final missive, PY decided to adopt capital letters for his own personal usage, as these previously had been reserved only for the voice of YAHWEH. Perhaps it was the result of a hungry brain, which he admitted was no longer functioning properly. Perhaps he had finally become one with YAHWEH, and there was no longer a discernable distinction. Or perhaps it was a problem with the Caps Lock Key. At any rate, we bid the prophet adieu, and shall soon remove his link of honor from FGAQ, allowing him to float off in cyberspace, forever and ever, without a marker to point him home.   FGAQ, your former source for Prophet Yahweh updates. 6:20:57 PM    comment []

	Sunday, June 26, 2005

Whatever Happened to Prophet Yahweh? 06/126/05 11:38 AM EST Really? It's been that long since we wrote about Prophet Yahweh? Oh my. Ah, you may think you've got me - I did say that I would follow him until the end of his 45 day Media Summoning Period. I've kept my word - I have followed him, reading every delusional word that he puts out. And believe me, Stephen King has nothing on this guy when it comes to spewing out verbiage. I just haven't reported on PY because it hasn't been much of a story, aside from watching one man's meltdown. Mister P is well past the halfway point of his quest by now, and has, unsurprisingly, brought down exactly 0 properly documented UFOs. I say unsurprisingly due to the wide variety of distractions that Prophet has detailed for us, such as the Air Forces use of chemical trails to befoul the Los Vegas skyline, wild fires, the blimp makers at Plantraco, psychotic Christians who follow him everywhere, and inferior video equipment. In an earlier email today, about how small space craft have appeared to us 3 times after 3 different summonings, on 3 successive days, and we were not able to capture them on film. In the email, I said the following: "Part of the problem is the consumer Sony camcorders we are using. It's not their ability to capture the sighting on film, it's the very small, low resolution view finder we look through to see if the camera is recording the sighting. I whipped my checkbook right out then and there when I heard of PY's plight. Why, the poor man can't even afford to eat. Dear pystudents and pyufos, I think it is time that I told you all why, during interviews, I am: not talking in complete sentences getting too excited at times stuttering so much losing my train of thought and having to pause so much when trying to express myself The reason why is that I have not eaten any food since last month, May 31, 2005. I don't know, fella. Maybe this wasn't the best possible time for a fast. Because of my brain not getting the nutrients it needs to function properly, all the things above are the results. This is the real reason why I have been trying to send out all the emails I can before my fast starts taking so much of a toll on me that I can type any more. Stop it, dude. You're embarassing me. Soon, I will have to stop typing and even reading emails. I have over 515 emails that have not been opened and 1,500 of them that have not been responded to properly. And, with me now fasting like this, it's getting to the point that I can't even open them much less type them. Regardless, if you hear me in an interview, and I sound like my reasoning and speaking may be a little off, now you know why. Please don't be embarrassed by it. The end is near. FGAQ, your one source for Prophet Yahweh updates. 7:53:49 PM    comment []

	Saturday, June 18, 2005

Prophet Yahweh Gets All Homophobic On Us 06/18/05 80:08 PM EST Prophet Yahweh is currently at code green, the lowest possible alert level for a prophet. FGAQ made the serious mistake of saying that we would follow this old fool until his UFO summoning period ended on July 15. While we intend to honor our word, Mister Hoback has much more important things to do, and has turned over writing chores to the host of the Brazilian television children's show 'Vamos', Bolas del Algodón. You know what Prophet Yahweh doesn't like? Gay people. They really grill his cheese. Big time. As a matter of fact, he doesn't even want them to read about him. I want all homosexuals or homosexual sypathizers or advocates, on my list, who are not willing to consider the truth - that homosexuality is a form of self induced mental derangement caused by a person having been deceived into thinking it's an acceptable lifestyle, especially to the Creator, to please unsubscribe immediately. Man, that's harsh. But such is the nature of Prophet Yahweh, who just ended his multi-part series on homosexuality. (Sample: This is self induced mental illness through Satanic possession. a man releasing his sperm up into another man's butt hole as if he can get the other man pregnant by doing so.) Uh, well, the way that Prophet Yahweh explains things, it does sound a little Satanic. Thanks for sharing PY. But the man does have credibility, as he later explains. People talk about being gay and hear about being gay, but most of them never really think about what fags do when having sex... Neither do they think about how sick the nasty acts are that they commit with one another... As for me, I know it is as sick as I have described for a fact! The way I know, is that I use to be a homosexual. Again, Prophet, thanks for the memories. FGAQ, your one source for Prophet Yahweh updates. 8:11:21 PM    comment []

	Friday, June 17, 2005

Prophet Yahweh Remixed From the any publicity is good publicity department, Prophet Yahweh tells us about his interview today on KQMT radio in Denver, with hosts Archer and Mark. "I got an email from Archer letting me know that Mark had created a song on me," he tells us. "The song blew me away". In all fairness, we must say that blowing Prophet Yahweh away is not on the level with curing cancer. I can finally say that I have seen the light of genius level audio productions.   It had to take some very tedious work to do that, and I can not thank Mark for taking out the time and effort it took to produce such a beautiful song.   You have got to hear it. You will, you will, but first let's check in with KQMT. The UFO summoner known as Prophet Yahweh went on a rant during the morning show — and Mark Samansky was inspired to turn it into one of his techno productions! Here it is, the Prophet Yahweh Song! FGAQ, your one source for Prophet Yahweh updates. 3:12:49 PM    comment []

	Thursday, June 16, 2005

Prophet Yahweh to the Rescue 06/16/05 11:33 AM EST Prophet Yahweh is currently at code green, the lowest possible alert level for a prophet. FGAQ made the serious mistake of saying that we would follow this old fool until his UFO summoning period ended on July 15. While we intend to honor our word, Mister Hoback has much more important things to do, and has turned over writing chores to the host of the Brazilian television children's show 'Vamos', Bolas del Algodón. Wow, can this guy Prophet Yahweh ever write. I don't mean that he can write well, just that he can fill vast numbers of pages with his delusional drivel. If I had known I would have to wade through this much spew, I would have asked for more than R$15 per column. Ai-yi-yi, it's no wonder that this guy hasn't had much time to hunt down UFOs. Mister Hoback neglected to tell you that one of PYs main areas of concentration over the past few days was the publication of his very long treatise proving that Jesus - oops, I mean Esus (PY having earlier proven that J did not exist) - and his disciples were in reality nothing but a group of radical homosexuals bent on hiding YAHWEH's truth. This was so long that he broke it up into a three part series, with other ravings in between. More? Yes, they were all pedophiles as well, and he provided 'obscene religious art' to help make his point. Now, I hate to bring a brother down, but the little print on the margin shows these pictures to have been taken from Rotten dot com (look it up yourself), a site specializing in the most obscene and grotesque images in existence. (you know, diseased babies, industrial accidents, decomposing corpses, that sort of thing). Not the best place for a prophet to be surfing. But the above is an important topic, because one of Prophet Yahweh's biggest chores is to destroy all the religions of the world, and make way for the one true religion, which of course is the one with the spaceships in it. These Beings are not big head, big eyed creatures that you see in the movies. No. They are the Angels of YAHWEH who are here to get the full and undivided attention of the people on earth so that they can announce the return of the Messiah. The Messiah is coming in over 20,000 inter-galactic spaceships to take over the earth and set up the eternal Kingdom of YAHWEH. The great secret behind this whole UFO phenomenon is religious! These Beings hate the religions of the earth because all of them are lies with no way for souls to be saved! I was reading a posting on one forum by a person who thought that the whole Prophet Yahweh gig was timed to tie in with the premier of 'War of the Worlds'. Not a bad theory, but you'd think he would get a little more press. FGAQ, your one source for Prophet Yahweh updates. 11:38:01 AM    comment []

	Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Prophet Bozotros Takes the Helm 06/1405 7:57 PM EST Prophet Yahweh is currently at code aquamarine, which means that the previous writer of this history of the forty-five days of glory is now far too embarrassed to file any further dispatches, at least until Prophet Yahweh does something that's significant enough to bring him back to at least Code Yellow. Sorry. Prophet Bozotros will take the helm until that time. Oh man, in Brasilia this is what is called a good gig. Yeah. On Channel 4 tin my country, they introduce me as 'Bolas del Algodón', which in English means Cotton Balls. I do a kid's show, but in Brazil the kids are a hell of a lot meaner than the kids in a lot of other countries. They really suck, and I live a life of constant hatred. So FGAQ is paying me 15 pesadios per column to write about this lunatic known as Prophet Yahweh? I tell you what - I've only been looking at his dossier for less than fifteen minutes and I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is an embarrassment to true prophets everywhere. He cannot even stick to a topic. I hope he is eaten by clams. I will return to these pages until the hue changes to a more credible color. I myself once predicted the reintroduction of the McRib® Sandwich, perhaps not as exciting as a race of alien beings descending upon our planet to govern it with brutal force, but a whole hell of a lot tastier, I'll tell you that Prophet Yahweh! FGAQ, your one source for Prophet Yahweh updates. 7:55:57 PM    comment []

	Monday, June 13, 2005

Prophet Yahweh Goes Gangsta On Us 06/13/05 8:57 PM EST Prophet Yahweh is at code blue. PY got an email recently, which said in part, "you fucking towelhead if i knew where you are at i wil kill you and all your followers", No one appreciates that sort of email from the kind of idiot who doesn't even have capital letters on their keyboard. (Probably a poet). Prophet Yahweh politely responded with 'to hell with dying' and went back on with his business. But then, something wonderful happened after he posted his threat - a member of the Bloods contacted him. my brotha now im pissed, These empty threats are crap to me, you can post this to everybody. IF THEY WANT TO KILL YOU, THEY CAN KILL ME, IM A BLOOD FROM INGLEWOOD CALIFORNIA, YOU WANA PUT MY BROTHA'S LIFE THREW POST TRAMTIC STRESS. DO IT TO ME, I WANT SPEAKING UP WILL NOBODY ON THE INTERNET COME TO THE HOOD. YOU CAN COME SUMMON IN THE HOOD MY BROTHA, NO BODY WILL TOUCH YOU These words touched him deeply, and he responded immediately. Ahh! My brother, that is so very beautiful of you! Hey listen. I am from Los Angeles. I only came to Las Vegas because my brother is here, and we felt that the media here would be more receptive to doing a story on me with this being one of the UFO capitals of the world, and with Area 51 down the road. My brother, I won't rest until I meet the brother who told me such a beautiful thing! I want to summon a UFO for you. I once told a lovely girl named Linda that I wanted to summon a UFO for her. She kissed me soulfully, and wandered out of the drive-in, illuminated by the Northern Lights. I never saw her again. But, man, over the years, I've had visions about how that, right after YAHWEH blessed me to come to power, I moved to Inglewood and was summoning for the Bloods! Hahahaha! Yeah!!! And, man, the sightings showed up so much that, eventually all the Bloods respected me. Every time I looked up, there were Bloods asking me to come out and do that thing I do, in YAHWEH's name, for them to see! I answered them every time and never denied them, and by the time it was over, all Inglewood was blown away and that was only just the beginning. I have dreamed this, and the details so much from YAHWEH over the years! Hahahaha! YAHWEH is going to release a special wave of sightings for Inglewood. Hahahaha! Man, this is so very deep! So wide can't get around it, so low you can't get under it, so high you can't get over it... man, do I love that song. And Inglenook makes some of the very finest wine I've ever tasted. But I digress. My brother, check this out. I have had so many visions about a gangster, who contacted me and we became friends. We respected each others differences and got along just fine. You see, YAHWEH showed you to me in my dreams the other night. Hahahahaha! I looked in the visions, that came upon my head, as I slept and I saw the view of my email "Compose" screen. But, it was the color red - the Blood's colors. Then, I saw the email address slot and a name was being typed in by an invisible hand. But, I could only see the letter "J" and afterwards I heard the voice I hear that calls itself YAHWEH say your exact name. After I woke up, I told all those close to me, and they were blown away when they saw your email, and noticed your name which I told them prior to them seeing it. Hahahaha! Brother, while typing this, I heard: "He is the gangster I told you about." I feel kind of creepy about reading any further. Kind of like a voyeur, if you know what I mean. Doesn't Prophet Yahweh know that the proper pronunciation is 'gangsta'? After this is over, here in Las Vegas, I am moving out of Los Angeles and into Inglewood and making it my permanent residence. Thank you so very much! Thank you my brother. Hahahaha! Thank you. I will email you my hook up, after I get back from Los Angeles, so we can talk if you don't mind. I am going there tonight and won't be there long because I have to get back to finish my summoning effort here. Oh yeah, that summoning stuff. Well, don't sweat it, Prophet Yahweh, not if this looks like the real deal. Cause this is a chance, this is a chance, to dance your way out of your constrictions. One nation under a groove, brother. FGAQ, your one source for Prophet Yahweh updates. 8:49:21 PM    comment []

© Copyright 2005 Mark Hoback. Last update: 8/12/2005; 10:33:55 AM.