There are a number of things in life that the average
American can clearly do without. A broken fist is but one of them. A pregnant
teenage daughter
also comes to mind as a likely candidate.
But tonight, we return to the culture wars. Today's music
is having a profoundly negative effect on the young people of this nation. It's
unwholesome and unhealthy and I just don't like it. Sure, back when I was a youngster,
we had our Turtles and our Beach Boys, and sometimes those groups did get pretty
far out there. But today, music is a totally different animal. It's
ugly, folks, take my word for it. But you know who's looking out for you.
And although I can't protect you from everything, I can give you the top ten
list of disks to avoid at any cost.
 Number ten on our list is 'Pretty
in Black' by the Raveonettes. This somewhat nerdy boy-girl duo sounds pretty anemic
in the brains department (as well as the morals department) to my ears, and
I'm not just talking about their spelling. Remember the musical teenagers in Twin
Peaks? Plug those kids in, send them back to 1962 and you'll get a good idea of
just what I'm talking about.
 Number nine on this years list is breakthrough band
Franz Ferdinand with 'You Could Have It So Much Better'. Tell me
about it folks. Whatever happened to Gary Puckett and the Union Gap? It's
the usual story, they've been hyped to the gills and sold to
the public like a new antacid, which is exactly what you'll need after
listening to this poppy nonsense.
 Oh
good lord. Take a look at that cover. Coming up at number eight is the foolishly named
My Morning Jacket, with their aptly named album Z. What is the sound of
one nose snoring? ZZZZZ is more like
it. I mean, mellow is one thing, but this disk must have been made for zoned out
stoners driving in the midnight rain. And that's not me.
 Number seven goes to
Beck for 'Guero', which also contains this year's most annoying
single, 'Hell Yes'. It's one of those songs that you hate so much that you
keep listening to it again and again in stunned disbelief. Talent consist of
more than just the ability to write good songs and sing them well and play a
bit of fancy guitar. They tell me guero is Spanish for white boy. I believe the word that Mister Beck was
really
looking for is guano.
 Oh, boy. I don't even know where to begin with number six.
It's by the
Kings of Leon, and is called, get this folks, 'Aha Shake
Heartbreak'. We at the Factor call that a ploddingly stupid title. Granted that the band is tight as a girdle, but the lead
vocalist can't even sing in English. It sounds a bit like words, but it's
really more like speaking in tongues. Since the boy's dad - the Leon in question -
was a rural tent traveling preacher, there's every reason in the world to
believe that I'm correct in my presumption.
 Number five goes to the
Residents 'Animal Lover'. If this doesn't send you screaming for the
door then nothing will. This band of weirdoes dwell in obscurity and
rightfully so. I'm probably remiss on even bringing up their name. What is the idea of taking every musical idea of the last
two hundred years and throwing it into the mixer? A concept album? Pardon
me, but I thought that was over back in the days of Quadrophenia. To add
insult to injury, the 'band' adds a second disk of songs that aren't part of
the 'concept'. Had enough yet? Wait, there's more. The whole thing comes
packaged in a book, where every song gets it's own 'relevant' short story,
followed by the lyrics, and surrounded by obscene art. We're talking full
frontal, people. This whole project is the utter height of pretension.
 In the number four spot is the very silly
Dutch band
Gruppo Sportivo with 'Topless 16'. Even though there is much to admire
in the cover art, I must tell you that you'll need to take out a second
mortgage to buy this relentlessly chirpy 'pop' record, so you probably don't
even need my warning. That's the sorry state of exchange rates these days.
I'm not sure if this Beatlesque music is supposed to be ironic or just
sarcastic, but I'm urging you, the listener, to please give this a
pass. I know I will.
 Public Enemy is at number three with 'New Whirl Odor'. Where is John
Ashcroft when we really need him? I thought these guys had all been locked
up ages ago.
PE can try to fool us by blending their anarchic hip-hop with James Brown
and early Funkadelic, but we at the O'Reilly Factor are wise to their
tactics. Your politics are old news, guys, and a word to Mister Flav -
no one will ever give you a decent job as long as you continue to wear that
alarm clock around your neck.
 The Gorillaz 'Demon Days' as number two? Pardon me, but I thought we
had hit the bottom of the barrel with the anonymous Residents. These people
don't even have bodies. Granted many of the songs are catchy. Granted many
of the grooves will make you want to skank, if you're inclined towards such
behavior. But the bottom line is these aren't real people and that's just
wrong. This stuff, I guarantee, will make your
finger stank. And that is not a good thing.
 And
the number one disc which you absolutely
must avoid is
'Funeral' by Arcade Fire. Oh boy. Forget the fact that they are American
expatriates living in Canada. Focus first upon the fact that none other than
gender-bender David Bowie has been focusing on the band all year long,
showing up for multiple performances and at times lending his effete voice
to their insipid whining. Since there music is so hard to describe, I'm not
even going to bother to try. I can easily resist their so called talents, and
you should do the same. If not, it's your funeral.
Who's looking out for you? With any luck at all, it will
be someone very much like me. |
