Thu, 29 Dec 2005 19:12:12 GMT

Everybody lookin for some def jams? Ready to party? Oh. Then I guess you won't be interested in checking out the Kevin Federline web site. Sorry I brought it up.

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 16:24:03 GMT

Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!

There are a number of things in life that the average American can clearly do without. A broken fist is but one of them. A pregnant teenage daughter also comes to mind as a likely candidate.

But tonight, we return to the culture wars. Today's music is having a profoundly negative effect on the young people of this nation. It's unwholesome and unhealthy and I just don't like it. Sure, back when I was a youngster, we had our Turtles and our Beach Boys, and sometimes those groups did get pretty far out there. But today, music is a totally different animal. It's ugly, folks, take my word for it. But you know who's looking out for you. And although I can't protect you from everything, I can give you the top ten list of disks to avoid at any cost.

Number ten on our list is 'Pretty in Black' by the Raveonettes. This somewhat nerdy boy-girl duo sounds pretty anemic in the brains department (as well as the morals department) to my ears, and I'm not just talking about their spelling. Remember the musical teenagers in Twin Peaks? Plug those kids in, send them back to 1962 and you'll get a good idea of just what I'm talking about.

Number nine on this years list is breakthrough band Franz Ferdinand with 'You Could Have It So Much Better'. Tell me about it folks. Whatever happened to Gary Puckett and the Union Gap? It's the usual story, they've been hyped to the gills and sold to the public like a new antacid, which is exactly what you'll need after listening to this poppy nonsense.

Oh good lord. Take a look at that cover. Coming up at number eight is the foolishly named My Morning Jacket, with their aptly named album Z. What is the sound of one nose snoring? ZZZZZ is more like it. I mean, mellow is one thing, but this disk must have been made for zoned out stoners driving in the midnight rain. And that's not me.

Number seven goes to Beck for 'Guero', which also contains this year's most annoying single, 'Hell Yes'. It's one of those songs that you hate so much that you keep listening to it again and again in stunned disbelief. Talent consist of more than just the ability to write good songs and sing them well and play a bit of fancy guitar. They tell me guero is Spanish for white boy. I believe the word that Mister Beck was really looking for is guano.

Oh, boy. I don't even know where to begin with number six. It's by the Kings of Leon, and is called, get this folks, 'Aha Shake Heartbreak'. We at the Factor call that a ploddingly stupid title. Granted that the band is tight as a girdle, but the lead vocalist can't even sing in English. It sounds a bit like words, but it's really more like speaking in tongues. Since the boy's dad - the Leon in question - was a rural tent traveling preacher, there's every reason in the world to believe that I'm correct in my presumption.

Number five goes to the Residents 'Animal Lover'. If this doesn't send you screaming for the door then nothing will. This band of weirdoes dwell in obscurity and rightfully so. I'm probably remiss on even bringing up their name. What is the idea of taking every musical idea of the last two hundred years and throwing it into the mixer? A concept album? Pardon me, but I thought that was over back in the days of Quadrophenia. To add insult to injury, the 'band' adds a second disk of songs that aren't part of the 'concept'. Had enough yet? Wait, there's more. The whole thing comes packaged in a book, where every song gets it's own 'relevant' short story, followed by the lyrics, and surrounded by obscene art. We're talking full frontal, people. This whole project is the utter height of pretension.

In the number four spot is the very silly Dutch band Gruppo Sportivo with 'Topless 16'. Even though there is much to admire in the cover art, I must tell you that you'll need to take out a second mortgage to buy this relentlessly chirpy 'pop' record, so you probably don't even need my warning. That's the sorry state of exchange rates these days. I'm not sure if this Beatlesque music is supposed to be ironic or just sarcastic, but I'm urging you, the listener, to please give this a pass. I know I will.

Public Enemy is at number three with 'New Whirl Odor'. Where is John Ashcroft when we really need him? I thought these guys had all been locked up ages ago. PE can try to fool us by blending their anarchic hip-hop with James Brown and early Funkadelic, but we at the O'Reilly Factor are wise to their tactics. Your politics are old news, guys, and a word to Mister Flav - no one will ever give you a decent job as long as you continue to wear that alarm clock around your neck.

The Gorillaz 'Demon Days' as number two? Pardon me, but I thought we had hit the bottom of the barrel with the anonymous Residents. These people don't even have bodies. Granted many of the songs are catchy. Granted many of the grooves will make you want to skank, if you're inclined towards such behavior. But the bottom line is these aren't real people and that's just wrong. This stuff, I guarantee, will make your finger stank. And that is not a good thing.

And the number one disc which you absolutely must avoid is 'Funeral' by Arcade Fire. Oh boy. Forget the fact that they are American expatriates living in Canada. Focus first upon the fact that none other than gender-bender David Bowie has been focusing on the band all year long, showing up for multiple performances and at times lending his effete voice to their insipid whining. Since there music is so hard to describe, I'm not even going to bother to try. I can easily resist their so called talents, and you should do the same. If not, it's your funeral.

Who's looking out for you? With any luck at all, it will be someone very much like me.

Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 16:21:09 GMT

What a marvelous concept.

You click, get great stuff, and I get the nickels and pennies.

You and me
Me and you
Sticking it to the man.

Mark Hoback: FGAQ Sells Out!