Rumsfeld Unveils “The Big Weenie”
VINITA, OK (AP) – Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld chose scenic and historical Vinita, OK as the venue to unveil the latest weapon in the US-led War Against Surrealism, a gigantic frankfurter shaped bomb whimsically code-named “The Big Weenie” in commemoration of Swedish-born sculptor Claes Oldenburg.
“We come here as your liberators!,” he jokingly ad-libbed to a small crowd of curious and awestruck Vinita residents. “Get out your slide rules and let’s measure this candle, it’s gonna make the Cubists forget their puny foot longs!”
“The Big Weenie” (officially named RU-487 by the Air Force) packs a big wallop. “You've been coolin', baby, I've been droolin', all the good times, baby, I've been misusin', way, way down inside, I'm gonna give you my love. I'm gonna give you ev'ry inch of my love," officials said.
After the technical reading, Rumsfeld whipped out his air guitar and did a credible, though somewhat Bauhaus inspired, Jimmy Page imitation. Carefully placing his imaginary Les Paul on an invisible Genuine Woodie guitar stand, he took a sip of conceptual water from a fanciful Phillip Glass, cleared his throat, and delivered a heartfelt message to the heartlands.
“Four score and 3 field goals ago, our foreskins practiced naturalism. If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much. Now we have biggie fries and we can upsell the super size. In the execution of Presidential decisions work to be true to his views, in fact and tone. Avoid entangling foreign arte povera. We’ve got the weenie, baby, and god willing Salvador Dali is our bun!”
As photographers respectfully sheathed their chimeras, he mounted the Big One and rode her off into the sunscreen, tall in the saddle, holding his head high.
5:43:41 PM 
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