Experts: Voice On Audiotape Confirmed As Dick Cheney
Washington (AP) - - Missing Vice President Dick Cheney may be alive after all, experts at the FBI Voice Recognition Center (VRC) in Bethesda, MD confirmed early Wednesday. If it is truly Cheney, it would end the speculation that began in late February, shortly after his CPAC speech, that he had collapsed after hearing Where Have All The Flowers Gone on a State Department elevator and was rushed to an undisclosed location.
No official statement was issued and, even though this was not an uncommon Cheney exit, rumors began to spread on the Internet after Folk Music Expert Alan “Larry” Guy reported that an electronica cell in Hamburg, Germany had developed a techno-pop mix of the Pete Seeger/Joe Hickerson folk classic that could cause terminal remorse in career warmongers, which they called “Music of Warmonger Destruction,” often abbreviated MWDs.
When the FBI confirmed that an iPod containing the potentially lethal music had been discovered patched into the Pentagon’s Muzak computer, the rumors gained new life, blowin’ down a dusty old road to where the water tastes like wine, sayin’ goodbye to Juan, goodbye Rosalita, keepin’ that oil rollin’, rollin' over the sea, risin’ to a crescendo on a chorus of Boomtown Bill.
Despite this overwhelming circumstantial evidence, Roger Ailes (CEO, Fox News Network) dismissed it all as “liberal balderdash” and now says he feels vindicated with the Cheney tape that mysteriously surfaced at his station. “Dick is alive, I knew it along,” he confidently stated, “it would take more than a sentimental ballad to make him break him down. The only time I’ve ever even seen him shed a tear was while listening to Wagner.”
Experts at the VRC caution that they have yet to achieve 100% confidence in the Cheney voiceprint. “We're at an 83% confidence level now, up from 78% earlier this morning, but there are some troubling discrepancies,” officials said, nervously eyeing the Tom Ridge TIPsters blocking the doorway.
Asked to elaborate, officials would only say there was a notable lack of the hawkish pronouncements characteristic of previous Cheney fatw…, er, statements. “There’s that one sentence,” the officials continued in unison after clearing their throats, “the one that goes…‘I've got a doc with me 24 hours a day who watches me very carefully, if I ran into problems where I felt I couldn't serve, I'd be the first to say so and step down,’...that just doesn’t sound right – after all, who is in charge, really?”
6:02:10 PM 
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