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United States, North Carolina, Carrboro, English, Paul, Male, 56-60, All Music, All Food.

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Thursday, May 15, 2003

Insolent Pigs of Oldenburg,   Do not ignore this ultimatum! It has been nearly 12 hours since you first heard my call to return the Sacred Chalice Of Strackholt. Are your feeble minds incapable of grasping the seriousness of this mortal situation?   The departed souls of our ancestors suffer in a troubled purgatory for want of communion, as you blithely pretend to go about your mannered business. Mark my words, every moment of suffering you inflict on them will be returned to you a hundredfold.   Return our hallowed relic forthwith, or taste the bitter gall of our thrice-sharpened steels! To hesitate is to invite an onrushing horde of rabid hellhounds. The people of Strackholt desire only peace, but your persisting arrogance will trammel that option.   I swear on the withered branches of The Biggenboom that immediate compliance is requisite to your continued survival. Delay no more! 5:39:18 PM    comment []

Sigh.   Sometimes I feel a peculiar envy for the Middle East, where bloodlusts and grudges go back millennia. There, they always know their enemies because they never change. It is simple and direct: The son of my father’s enemy is my enemy. It lends an aura of heritage, even when all the artifacts are plundered. Whenever I experience the loss of identity that accompanies a family diaspora, I wonder if what I am really feeling is the absence of an easily identifiable enemy.   Therefore, even though I bear no personal animosity towards the people of Oldenburg, it occurred to me that re-igniting a grievance that goes back to the 14th century might provide a tangible heritage. Though it only goes back 600 years, you have to start somewhere. I am certain that our family descendants 400 years hence will thank me for providing them with a millennial vendetta. 5:50:07 AM    comment []

A Family Score To Settle!   The Biggenboom  (The Fouled Tree) According to the legend, the troops of the Oldenburg Count, Gerhard, having plundered the village of Strackholt (including the theft of the communion chalice from the church) were pursued by the pastor.  On the way to Bagband, he found them basking under an oak tree, celebrating their success with schnapps from the Strackholt supplies.  He demanded the stolen chalice be returned, but when refused satisfaction, he cursed the evildoers who lay here "like a thick passel of pigs."  Returning from their plundering the stolen goods were taken from them near the Uplengen castle.  However, the chalice was never found.  Within a year the oak, having been nicknamed "the Biggenboom," was struck by lightning and a generation later barely a twin of it survived.  In 1934 the locals planted an apple tree in its place.  The tree was there until 2001, but it was very stunted and in 2001 a new tree was planted. People of Oldenburg! Hear me! You stole our schnapps! You plundered our humble village! God may forgive those petty crimes, but I doubt you can weasel your way out of the theft of a sacred communion chalice. Remember all that untidiness about The Holy Grail? We, the descendents of the village of Strackholt, are determined to mount a crusade that will make the quest for the grail look like a girl scout picnic. Return our chalice! Now! Or face the consequences! 5:20:01 AM    comment []