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United States, North Carolina, Carrboro, English, Paul, Male, 56-60, All Music, All Food.

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Sunday, September 14, 2003

Advice and Consent – Hey, Bubba, check out the new VO!   You don’t have to be a Constitutional Scholar to be an expert on Advice and Consent anymore, just drive your pickup truck on over to Virtual Occoquan and load up enough free advice to make Betty Lou think you’re not really her cousin. We’ll give you the advice, but the rest is up to her.   “Anybody that smart just gotta have Bob Vila for his daddy, and I reckon Ann Landers must be his mama,” she’ll be sayin’.   First get her attention with the opening words from the mother of all advice columnists, that universal gear on the axle of evil, you guessed it, Mr. Saddam Himself – with pictures by Susan McNerney. Wait until Betty Lou sees how your garden grows after you tow out that old rusty Pontiac on cement blocks! You’ll be spinning spider webs, growing pineapples, and sprucing up your back yard like a pro thanks to the expertise of Christopher Key, Paul Hinrichs, and Molly South. After that, bring ‘er on indoors and dazzle her with your domestic virtuosity. Loosen her up with a professionally-mixed Jack and Coke, show her how’ll get your kids ready for the first week of school (after you have them), and show her some cooking so good they’ll put your smilin’ face on the television thanks to the savvy of Mark Hoback, Rayne, and Julie Powell.   Of course, life won’t always be dealing you aces. Sometimes you’ll be looking at a pair of deuces and your last Budweiser. Then you’re gonna need some serious mentoring. Let Leslie Talbot instruct you on what to tell a thief to really get him down. Christopher Key will tell you how to grow old gracefully, Claire Smith will teach how to move on without laxatives, and Dave Pollard will tell you how to change anything - including the oil filter on Betty Lou’s old Datsun! When you’re feeling up again, Catnmus will explain the secret mechanisms of critical thinking that she learned just by reading Ann Landers!   By then, you ought be ready to gas up the ol’ F-150 and explore some new horizons. Wanna dance the salsa like they do south of the border (not the one on I-95, way south)? Then pay attention to Camilo. Wanna astonish a buncha foreigners with your grasp of what they’ll face if they move to the Good Ol’ USA? Listen up to David Harris. And remember how tongue-tied Jake got after them aliens abducted him? It won’t happen to you if you let Dick Jones tell you how to describe alien cultures.   By now Betty Lou should be hot to trot, so let Julia Deckham Gray instruct you on the more subtle techniques of using sex toys – and if Betty Lou ain’t, Arabella O’Buggery and Gina Bass have some self-help advice! Either way, light up a Camel afterwards and Judy Meskill will help you find a place in the complex Space/Time/Love universe with poetry – but if you prefer some porn, listen up as Mark Hoback interviews Darla1972 on how to be a big time porn star just like her!   After you’ve masterfully handled every situation in the house and out, you can stick your nose into politics. Manage the pit boss with D. G. Johnston, fix the country with Steve Raker, and handle a crisis with Kriselda Jarnsaxa. Find out if you made a wrong turn without stopping to ask for directions with Paul Hinrichs. Escalate non-violence in your community with Natasha. Ask Rayne if you should campaign for Joe Lieberman and interpret Presidential messages with a cool secret decoder ring from World O’ Crap.   Your head will be throbbing with knowledge and Betty Lou might be afraid you’re gonna explode – but before you wind down with some relaxing C&W let Amanda Brightwell teach you how to run like hell when you gotta - like when Betty Lou’s daddy comes a knockin’ on the trailer with a loaded shotgun. With your endorphins cranked-up, you’ll be ready to settle into some serious serendipity with Lindsay Marshall and reform the education system with Dave Pollard. Oh, and if Betty Lou kicks you out for being such a hyper know-it-all, ihatemylife will even tell you what to do if you are homeless.   Where can you go to make all this happen? Go see the brand spankin’ new Virtual Occoquan. It’s out now and it’s the best issue ever™. Git on over there and see it for yourself! This edition is co-edited by the master of transitive verbs and intransigent objects, Dave Pollard. Keep an eye on him when Betty Lou’s around! Let's buy Dave and Mark a beer! 11:04:34 PM    comment []

Bargains and leftovers The jar that looks like medicine, in the middle, is some Carolina Rainbow Trout Caviar purchased half-price at A Southern Season (as they prepare for their big move from Eastgate to University Mall). There's also some leftover creme fraiche, some of those red pearl onions that bite like a mad chihuahua, a bit of smoked Altlantic salmon, boiled eggs chopped, and another batch of blini. 4:42:22 PM    comment []

At noon, I'll be able to buy some hard cider (Carolina law). Some of it will be pumped into this sewed-up bird. This took about an hour, but I listened to Eva Cassidy and the time flew. Original bird weighed 8.02 pounds; It now weighs 5 pounds 14 ounces including all the twine. Most of the weight loss was liquid after thawing - not the rib cage which is now simmering for stock. 11:14:34 AM    comment []

Liz told me to use a blanket stitch when I started making FrankenBirds last year. Easy to do, just insert the needle from the same side each time and pull the butcher's twine through a loop from the last stitch. These also remove easily when the bird is cooked. I tie a square knot at each end of an area to be stitched, then just sew up the edges. Before sewing, I sprinkled a pack of unflavored gelatin on the inside to help hold the meat together after cooking. I now prefer sewing to stockinettes for two reasons: (1) You have more control over the finished shape and (2) stockinettes always stay stuck after cooking and pull off big chunks of skin and meat, leaving an ugly finished product. 10:08:01 AM    comment []

Deboning is the most dreaded task, but this time it took less than 20 minutes. Knowing the bone structure and that bird's-beak knife helped cut the time down from the 30 minutes it took the last time. The bones will be made into stock which will be used in the marinade. 9:40:01 AM    comment []

Lowe's Foods had turkey breast for 77 cents a pound, and I have plans. First, debone it, then sew it back together, marinate and inject it with hard apple cider, and finally smoke it over apple wood. 9:36:21 AM    comment []

Stardate 97679.68: Enterprise crew confirms Klingon Weapon Cache in 21st Century Baghdad   Photon Torpedoes, Tractor Beams discovered in Halliburton Branch Office   Kirk pleased with results of time travel; Rumsfield heirs claim vindication   12:40:57 AM    comment []