Bill Maher has a blog!
What’s more, there are transcripts to all his recent HBO shows there. I was watching the final episode last week when I heard an exchange that I wanted to transcribe, but now I’ll just cut and paste it. Read the entire show here (the panel with Michael Moore, Charles Barkley, and Aaron McGruder is also hilarious – but intentionally so). The topic here is Gary Coleman, with Darrell Issa, the man who financed the recall petition...
MAHER: …Arnold Schwarzenegger – I have been asking this question since the beginning, and I do not mean it facetiously – why is he a more serious candidate than Gary Coleman? [laughter] [applause]
ISSA: Well, Bill, you’re probably not aware of the studies that have shown that leaders have a tendency to be taller than the average American. That’s a consistent pattern. So that’s the first point, is Gary is vertically challenged. [scattered audience reaction]
But more importantly, Arnold has – “vertically challenged,” don’t we say that anymore?
Anyhow—
MAHER: No, but why should that be a criteria for office, I think is what—[applause]
ISSA: There are two reasons, Bill. And they’re very – they’re both strong. First of all, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been a supporter and a leader and a believer in the conservative movement, the movement toward keeping down the size of government, toward making sure that people are not overtaxed, so they have their own money. He’s been that way since he came to America.
He was a supporter of Ronald Reagan, of George Bush, the first. He continued to campaign for candidates in this country, with a rare exception for a Kennedy here, a Kennedy there – that happens even in the best of families – and of course, was a big supporter of George W. Bush.
So I think he’s done a lot of the same kind of work that Ronald Reagan did, helping people get elected who believe, like he does, that people’s money is theirs first, and not government’s first.
And secondly, we have a career politician with 30 years of experience. Clearly, Gray Davis is the most knowledgeable, experienced, qualified governor we’ve probably ever had. So clearly we need a change! You know, experience is not the answer in California. A backbone is the answer in California. A willingness to say no is an answer in California.
MAHER: All right, let me – I don’t want to keep talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger, but you did endorse him today; he is, as you say, going to be the candidate that you think will be the governor; and he’s afraid to do this show, so I have to ask you these questions. [laughter] [applause]
ISSA: There’s no question that you’re going to see him on your show. He’s been very busy. You know, it was probably very close between your show and Leno, but, you know, I think he and Jay just have a relationship. But, you know, to quote Larry Flynt, you know, he also has another attribute: he is, in fact, not paralyzed from the neck up. Clearly, Arnold is somebody who can articulate what needs to be done in California. He did it the other night in the debates, and he came off the winner.
MAHER: Well, speaking of articulation, I want to read you something that he – a quote – I want to ask about this – what I am calling “Swirly-gate.” You know what a “swirly” is; it’s where you throw someone in a toilet. Arnold Schwarzenegger said a couple of months ago—
ISSA: [overlapping] No, I haven’t seen that one yet, but go ahead.
MAHER: Well, a couple of months ago, he was giving an interview to promote his movie, “Terminator 3,” and he said, “As we were rehearsing, I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this, to take a woman” – notice, he says “woman,” not a person – “to take a woman, grab her upside down and bury her face in a toilet bowl. The thing is, you can do it because, in the end, it’s not a woman. She’s a machine. We could get away with it without being crucified by who knows what group.” The clear implication being we’re all dying to throw a woman into a toilet. [laughter] [laughs] But the P.C. Patrol stops us! [laughter] [applause] Now—
ISSA: You know, Bill, we’re all dying to say the same kind of things that you get to say, but once you’re an elected official, you often choose your words more carefully. But when you’re in the entertainment business and you choose things to promote a product, you’re a success in the business, just as you are. And I must admit that those skills, properly applied to promote a positive agenda for California, is what is going to make Arnold a great governor. He can speak above the Munchkins that have been raising our taxes and coming up with one after another—
MAHER: [overlapping] Stop attacking Gary Coleman!
9:09:53 PM 
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