“Analgesic Effect”
Twyla has expressed some interest in this medical term. After all, to measure analgesic effect, you need a cat. First, you immobilize kitty in a contraption with clamps to secure each leg. Then you put another clamp on the tail. This one is special – you can vary the pressure by tightening it down and see exactly how hard you’re pinching it with an analog pressure scale.
Got it? Now we’re ready to do an experiment!
(1) Establish the baseline. This is easy, Just tighten the tail clamp until kitty screeches, Don’t forget to write down the number on the pressure scale! For this example, we’ll pretend it’s 7 and we’ll call it Screechundrugged.
(2) Isn’t this fun? Now let’s give kitty some Vicodin, just like Rush Limbaugh. If you’re in a hurry, you can just leave her strapped in the box – but don’t forget to loosen the tail clamp! We’re going to leave kitty alone for, say, 25 minutes and wait for the drug to take effect (tick-tock…tick-tock…tick-tock). Okay! Now we’re ready to take another measurement. Do it just like before, tighten the tail clamp until kitty screeches. Write down this number too – let’s say it was 11. We’ll call it Screechdrugged.
(3) Calculate the analgesic effect. If you’re really smart, you won’t even need a calculator because all you do is subtract the little number from the big number. Oh! I see hands up already! That’s right Larry, the analgesic effect of this hypothetical Vicodin is 4! If you want to sound grown-up and scientific, put on a lab coat and write this on the blackboard:
Screechdrugged - Screechundrugged = Analgesic Effect
If you want some background, go to this Los Angeles Times article and read all about the history of Vicodin. Bet you didn’t know it was discovered way back in the 1920s. As with most derivative addictive substances, its original intent was to cure opium addiction. Like all of them, it succeeded because this stuff was light years better than opium. Who wants that messy sticky black shit when you can pop a neat pharmaceutical product that gives you a better buzz? Larry! Leave die Katze alone – the experiment is over! Some German scientist was somehow able to sew a hydrogen atom onto a codeine molecule and come up with a patentable variation. How did he do that? He must have had a very skinny needle and microscopic thread. Those German scientists are very nimble and very clever. They say Dr. Mengele was especially nimble and clever. Larry! Don’t make me put you in Mr. Reich’s Orgone box for a time out!
5:27:37 AM 
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