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United States, North Carolina, Carrboro, English, Paul, Male, 56-60, All Music, All Food.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Manteca   It was an ordinary dream until the jokester at the Casio keyboard started playing a crypto-Latin melody, ordinary until the 3rd bar where it took an unprepared leap into a suspension that quickly did a Scottish flip into the very last note you’d expect. That got my attention.   The jokester likes to carry around his Casio and sometimes plays tunes so cheesy that I want to kick him out of Dreamworld. Like the time he dressed up to look like an over apologetic Indian snake charmer and played a tune so predictable it would make Paul Anka blush. He sang a creepy fraudulent anthem so lame, Casio on his knees, so hackneyed, but then he conjured up a corner grocery in Lima, OH where Lucy and Ernie used to sing Daddy Sang Bass to the late-niters desperately seeking Andes Mints before the 9pm strict closing time. Next thing you knew, Crazy Mary with her long black hair draped herself in front of him, kneecap to Casio to kneecap and started singing those puerile lyrics right along with him and the rest of the dream was slowly eaten away.   That melody tortured me a day or two until I force listened to Barry Manilow sing Mandy over and over, Sea of Love style, until it lobotomized away the flotsam strain and the opening statement of a Bach fugue rescued me from drowning.   That was a close call.   That Latin tune, teasing with syncopated accents and then coming down like a 10 pound hammer right on 1 and 3 where the beats belonged, but you didn’t expect them there anymore, that got my attention. The jokester had chosen a sharp attack/quick decay harpsichord timbre with just a hint of reverb that laced the melody with some pungency, maybe like tea smoke and he was cooking.   I tried to think of lyrics to augment the tune, but only one word came to mind – “Barbados.” Another line might rhyme on “Tomatoes,” but neither word was quite right. The notes jumped from minor to major for quick twists, like the salty rind of a pickled lemon. I puckered up and said a word I’d forgotten I knew, “Manteca,” Spanish for butter, but I really meant lard – manteca de cerdo. Yes, fat of the pig. There aren’t many intuitive rhymes for that, but that’s what he played. Maybe it was supposed to be an instrumental. 8:29:32 PM    comment []

Biological Weapons Discovered In Halliburton’s GI Kitchens   The Pentagon repeatedly warned contractor Halliburton-KBR that the food it served to US troops in Iraq was "dirty," as were as the kitchens it was served in, NBC News reported on Friday.   Halliburton-Kellogg Brown and Root's promises to improve "have not been followed through," according to a Pentagon report that warned "serious repercussions may result" if the contractor did not clean up.   The Pentagon reported finding "blood all over the floor," "dirty pans," "dirty grills," "dirty salad bars" and "rotting meats ... and vegetables" in four of the military messes the company operates in Iraq, NBC said, citing Pentagon documents. 1:57:41 AM    comment []

More Sierra Leone humor… From Life in Sierra Leone by Anne Zabolio Humor in the U.S. is very different. In Africa, there are no jokes about parents, perhaps good-humored jokes about great-grandparents, and only then because they are old and do things differently from the young. The elderly are respected there: for example, if a person sitting on the bus sees someone perceived to be older get on the bus, the younger person--of any age--will give up his or her seat to the elder. A main source of humor in the United States--the mother-in-law joke--would never be told in Africa, "not if you want to keep your wife," said Al. That Al is such a card! Maybe he could introduce this “What’s the difference” joke (from jokesandhumor.com) to Sierra Leone, so they’d have two jokes to “choose” between! <giggle> I was sitting in a bar one time and I saw a Jewish man walk in and sit down to have a drink. After a few drinks a Chinese man came in and sat next to him. The Jewish man immediately turned and punched the other man in the face. The Chinese man shouted, "You fool! What was that for?" The Jewish man replied, "That's for Pearl Harbor." Chinese man said, "You idiot, I am Chinese not Japanese!" Jewish man replied, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" The Chinese man proceeded to punch the Jewish man in the face. The Jewish man clutched his jaw and said angrily, "Owww, why did you do that?!" The Chinese man replied, "That's for the Titanic." Jewish man said, "But an iceberg caused it to sink, not me!" The Chinese man smiled and said, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference!" Or maybe this knee-slapper from morejokes.co.uk (might cause information overload, however – when your comedians have three jokes, do they “pick” or “choose” which one to tell to the crowd that expected Aki and Pawpaw? Haw-haw-haw, now I amuse myself!) A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration please. Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the living daylight out of the guy and says, "Do you want me to slow down or stop?" (Maybe it’s funnier when a midget tells it – where’s the hacksaw? Hey! That reminds me, what's the difference between those Nigerian comedans and a women's track team?) 12:45:19 AM    comment []