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United States, North Carolina, Carrboro, English, Paul, Male, 56-60, All Music, All Food.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2003

psssst…avoid Italy this holiday season!   Dept. of Homeland Security   6:48:49 PM    comment []

There’s a brand spankin’ new Virtual Occoquan and Saddam Hussein won’t get to read it. He tried to negotiate with Mark, but only got as far as “Begone! Prince Of Darkness!” before Mark whupped him good with nothing more than brass knuckles and a can-do attitude, forcing his third-rate Hitler wannabe ass right back into that itsy-bitsy spider hole where he done peed himself in total terror.   Saddam hates Virtual Occoquan because it stands for everything he fears: truth, justice, free speech, The American Way, creative verse, outstanding photography, Katy Hipke, hippie beads, Gregorius, The Statue Of Liberty, The Grand Canyon, proper nouns correctly capitalized, Molly South, scuba diving, World O’Crap, guaranteed pizza delivery times, Susan McNerney, caramel corn, fake vanilla extract that’s better than real, Leslie Talbot, short lines at the grocery, Jan Haugland, southern fried chicken, Quentin Tarantino movies, Hershey bars, Maxine Daley, downhill portions of the bike path, brown paper packages tied up with string, Wade Tate, Steve Raker, roasted tomatoes, championship seasons, fresh basil, runswithscissors, old comic books, happy dogs, Sudi, mountain sunsets, Dana Pattillo, the sound of a champagne cork popping, first kisses, breaking waves, Mark Hoback, bare feet on a dewy lawn, Mark Hoback again, barbecue baby back ribs, gin and tonic, Rayne, warm winters, warm fireplaces, Dave Pollard, cavity free dental exams, finding a ten dollar bill, Rob Salkowitz, Bugs Bunny eluding Elmer Fudd, Strom Thurmond’s black daughter, Kevin Costner movies bombing at the box office, Glutter, Aaron Copland’s Fanfare for the Common Man, Robin Williams free associating, Christopher Key, Krispy Kreme donuts with steaming black coffee, a clean toilet seat, ripe bananas, cootie jokes, chilled silverware, a single rose bud, a chorus of birds celebrating dawn, a broadband connection, and a phone call from a long lost friend.   Virtual Occoquan is all that and more (like The Ultimate Meow Mix) and Saddam has never seen nor will he ever see a single word of it. Guaranteed! He’ll never know that it’s “the best issue ever™.” But you can, go there now! 5:04:41 PM    comment []

There’s a new Bush Action Figure! It’s available from NewsMaxStore and here’s what you get:   Comes complete with these accessories:   ·         Helmet and Visor (stenciled with George W. Bush) ·         Goggles ·         Oxygen Tank ·         Face Mask   Now you’re probably wondering how mush you would pay...   Relax – it’s ABSOLUTELY FREE!   All you have to do is click the button at the bottom of the screen! What could be easier than that? And who could blame NewsMaxStore (they also have Reagan and Churchill collections, not to mention tasteful 9/11 memorabilia – including a book named Catastrophe, with Bill Clinton on the dust cover) for trying to dump this graven image on the Saddam uptick in Dubya’s ratings when THEY”RE GIVING IT AWAY just so you can have some of that Bush Family Mojo on your mantle or in your delighted children’s play chest?   In Other News:   China has already handed down two life sentences for hotel employees implicated in that 3 day orgy with 400 Japanese businessmen and 500 Chinese prostitutes. Justice is swift in China! 3:26:38 AM    comment []