TOP SECRET: Job Opening For Final Speech Copy Editor
Enclosed are two examples of off-topic subject matter that has been allowed to creep into recent speeches by our President George W. Bush. Depending on how we decide to comb the curl on his forehead on a particular day, it is our goal to present two independent but superficially contradictory Presidential personalities.
Personality #1 is our favorite. He’s the guy calling out Saddam with schoolyard taunts or sicking his gleeful toadies on the miscreants who cross him. He is our Bad George. Bad George is easy to understand; even those who don’t like him know exactly where they stand. “My way or the highway; you’re either with me or against me,” simple and easy to understand – even an idiot can “get it.”
Personality #2 is our Good George, bending over backwards to say things that please everyone and offend no one. Our strategy is reasonably straightforward. When the inevitable punches are thrown at our go-it-alone Bad George, we simply hold up the tar baby Good George so it looks like the attacks are directed at him.
Howver, the Good George is the more bothersome of the two. His all-inclusive goodness has led to what some call “puzzling non-sequiturs” in recent high profile speeches. The content is not inappropriate or in any way less than admirable. It just doesn’t fit the context. An attentive listener will dig the rhythm of his thoroughly rehearsed delivery, begin to get in the groove, and then all of a sudden there’s a clinker. The choreography of nodding heads comes to a halt. Necks snap straight, and some impolite people even duck down and silently mouth the word “What?” to each other. Very disrespectful, but also very embarrassing.
Your mission as Final Speech Copy Editor, should you choose to accept it and pass the routine FBI security investigation, is to do a final reading of the President’s speeches after the topics have been collated from constituency suggestions, assembled by our committee, and finally meticulously researched, fact-checked, and vetted by top-notch pros. In future speeches, some portions will need to be edited out to prevent some smart-alecky hack at the New York Times from making typical liberal press comments such as “What was that bit about sex tourism doing in a United Nations speech presumably intended to mend wounds and rebuild alliances after an unwanted unilateral war?” We must preemptively pare out passages that give ammunition to nitpicking so-called intellectuals. Here is a portion of “that bit” for your pre-examination study:
There's another humanitarian crisis spreading, yet hidden from view. Each year, an estimated 800,000 to 900,000 human beings are bought, sold or forced across the world's borders. Among them are hundreds of thousands of teenage girls, and others as young as five, who fall victim to the sex trade. This commerce in human life generates billions of dollars each year -- much of which is used to finance organized crime.
You may research the 4 paragraphs which followed on this topic, within the context of the entire speech, at this website which the President has provided at no cost to you, the applicant.
This opening has occurred as the result of another miscue in a major speech, a figurative “last straw” (as a G14 Editor, you will be expected to be fluent with terms such as “figurative”). The previous editor, responsible for this unfortunate lapse of coherency, is no longer with us. This lapse occurred in the showpiece of Presidential speech delivery, the venerable and constitutionally ordained State of the Union address. All the rhetorical bases had been touched or, minimally a feinted attempt to steal them made, but then he allowed us to completely wander out of the ballpark with this unacceptable mumpsimus:
To help children make right choices, they need good examples. Athletics play such an important role in our society, but, unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example. The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message - that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now.
Understandably, there will be a lot of pressure not to fail in this project. Image is everything and it must be preserved at all costs - we have two Presidents to protect, However, on the positive side, you will be in the position to rub elbows with many very successful, highly influential, incredibly rich and sometimes even interesting individuals as long as you don’t fuck up. Mistakes, particularly violations of the Omertá, simply will not be tolerated. Get a haircut and join a church before you apply. Good luck, and may God continue to bless America.
5:51:30 PM 
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