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Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Demands grow for inquiry into the case for war as Hutton is accused of a 'whitewash'   Damn, I’m glad someone else used that word “whitewash,” which I was consciously repressing from the moment I heard the results. Now I can use it freely as a quote. It’s a wholesome word, reminds you of Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, and Becky Thatcher. 9:13:53 PM    comment []

The buck stops, uh, over there!   Following the decision of The Hutton Report, David Kay attempts the parlay and points the finger at “somebody else.” It's faulty intelliegence, yeah, that's the ticket. 8:28:53 PM    comment []

This is a handy little gadget sold by the Roche Corporation. It’s called the SalmoFan™. Suppose you are running a salmon farm and want to make sure your salmon filets come out salmon-colored, not an ugly shade of gray as is likely since there is no astaxanthin in their diet. When the salmon are swimming in the wild, they get plenty astaxanthin from a normal diet of krill, algae, and shrimp. What you, the clever and industrious salmon farmer, can do is use the SalmoFan™ to pick the color you’d like them to be. Then you read the number next to the color and dump that much astaxanthin in the pond along with the mercury and anything else you can think of. But beware, some high-falutin’ big city attorneys might get upset and sue you for not disclosing that you are using artificial coloration!   A Dyed salmon is not the same as a red herring. The definitive word on red herring comes from Word Detective. A red herring gets its color from the curing process (probably from the nitrites, which have the same effect on meats). Red herrings, being properly smelly, are great for leaving a trail to train hunting dogs. Problem is, once they’ve been trained by that smell they can also be easily distracted by it – a handy thing to keep in mind when you’re fox hunting and want to throw your neighbor’s puppies off the scent.   The Hutton Report came out today and the Blair-O-Meter has been retired. In has been officially determined that Mighty England’s pre-war rhetoric, including the infamous 45-minute threat, was not “sexed up” as reported by Andy Gilligan. In the days of Merrie Olde England, Mother Goose would quickly pull a quill from her ass and write one of those enigmatic verses we now know as nursery rhymes. Even though time has shown that the WMDs do not exist, the UK government was not deliberately misleading the BBC audience because they were relying on their intelligence (no laughing!). David Kelly did not sever the veins of his mortal coil because Alastair Campbell blew his cover; he did it because the BBC’s irresponsible reporting made it inevitable.  BBC Chairman Gavyn Davies has already resigned in disgrace.   Lesson learned today: The truth doesn’t really count for much, except when speaking it can get you in a whole lot of trouble! 5:41:04 PM    comment []

“I’ve had great success being a total idiot,” – Jerry Lewis   Sleep well, showbiz fans, Jerry Lewis has completed 90 days of rehab to overcome addiction to steroids, has shed 50 pounds, and is headed back to Vegas!   "People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius." – Jerry Lewis   (No, Jerry, you are unworthy of an emotion as strong as hate. We've been laughing at you all these years, not because you're a comic genius, but because you're a sputtering self-obsessed moronic twit. Most of the laughs occured behind your back; the rest were all of the nervous self-conscious variety - suppressed Cardinal giggles when the Pope farts in public. For a while, you've filled the narcissitic void left by the untimely death of Sammy Davis Jr., but now it's time to move on and free up some space for other untalented goofy egomaniacs like Dennis Miller. You're not funny, Jerry, you never were.) 12:27:20 AM    comment []