Why The Ohio State-Michigan Rivalry Is The Most Serious
The Wolverines tried to steal Toledo in 1835! What happened was that an impetuous 22 year old twit named Stevens T. Mason led a haphazard army of 250 hebetudinous poltroons in a craven attempt at a land grab remarkably similar to Saddam Hussein's 1990 invasion of Kuwait.
Fortunately for the Wolverines no shots were fired or punches thrown, because their inherent cowardice would have been quickly demonstrated on the battlefield (Michigan did suffer one casualty – a quick-witted Buckeye knew that the place to find the enemy was to check out the bars, where they would be getting predictably liquored up and generally acting like jerks. He found one and stabbed him before he could run away. Their running game has a long history of ineffectiveness).
US President Andrew Jackson eventually settled the dispute by booting Mason out of office and granting Ohio back the land that cross-eyed Michigan surveyors had drunkenly and erroneously tried to claim. Were it not for Jackson’s intuitive grasp of the situation, both Steve Raker and Sister Bubbles would now be living in Michigan, which would be all right as long as they cheered for the Buckeyes.
The map here came from the book The Great Black Swamp by Jim Mollenkopf. It has a whole chapter on The Toledo War. You can also read about it at this official Michigan site, where the impetuous twit is merely called “feisty,” and no mention is made of the multiple venereal diseases responsible for his deranged behavior. The line right below Steve is where Michigan claimed. It’s called Fulton’s Line after John A. Fulton and the county that Steve lives in is now called Fulton County.
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