Amendments
We need to revise the US Constitution to enable certain inalienable rights. Amendments have traditionally been used to extend the rights of ordinary citizens, not restrict them, so let’s have a go at it.
(1) First of all, we need an amendment to guarantee the right of schoolchildren to say “blah-blah-blah” instead of “under God” during coerced recitations of that curious act of idolatry we call “The Pledge Of Allegiance.” Kids love to giggle and repeat meaningless nonsense syllables and that should be encouraged rather than suppressed. However, we shouldn’t extend this right to include saying “neener-neener” or “nanny-nanny-boo-boo” because these expressions contain too many nonsense syllables and the resulting polyrhythm might provoke musically inclined children to dance. No dancing during the pledge, I personally believe, but that’s really for the Supreme Court to decide. If the Justices are overwhelmingly Baptist, of course, dancing would be prohibited under any circumstances.
(2) Flag burning really pisses off draft-dodging rednecks even though it’s a guaranteed right under the auspices of the First Amendment provisions regarding free speech. But nobody complains about flag underwear or pickup bumper stickers. Everyone seems okay about silly flag lapel pins or grotesque Super Bowl outfits, so let’s make that a Constitutional right. While we’re at it, make it okay to pee on a flag if it’s burning. Who gives a fuck what it smells like late in the morning as long as it’s "still there" by the dawn’s early light?
(3) Nowhere in the Constitution are heterosexuals given the right to marry. What were the Foundling Fathers thinking, for chrissakes? Like ol’ Percy Sledge said, “When a man loves a woman.” Otis said “she may get weary,” but we know he wasn’t talking about “that same old dress.” No, she wasn't concerned about her wardrobe. Bitch wanted to get hitched-up, not hooked-up. Marriage – it’s the right of all heterosexuals. Yet the Constitution says nothing about it. We gotta fix that. For Otis. For Percy. And their chicks.
6:36:51 PM 
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