Enough Rope
Kevin Drum featured a rare midweek catblogging photofest today and, to me, following suit immediately seemed like a smarter move than, say, a blogburst of whining, self-pity, or anger. So I fired up my Kodak DX4330 and went in search of Twyla.
Now Twyla is usually simpatico with all the gang at Washington Monthly, even the ones who aren’t cat owners, but she had already heard me read Kevin’s* enlightened observation that “cats always seem to take political news so serenely. We could learn something from them,” and she became visibly depressed, hiding herself away as I tried to photograph her. She was far from serene.
Bummer.
Then I remembered it might not be the news or that quote, it might just be her preference that political bloggers stick with shrewd, strictly Machiavellian-versed, analyses and leave the Eastern Philosophy to, well, Eastern Philosophers. Just after the flash went off, she expressed this by making a quiet consonant-enriched meow followed by a suppressed spitting sound. I grinned right away, realizing she was trying to say “Lao Tze” (like the Orientals, the “L’s” give her a bit of trouble) - so I said okay and Googled up her favorite bedtime reading, TaoDeChing.
I ran my finger down the page, searching for the perfect chapter to console her in this time of trial (until I realized that using the scroll button on my mouse was a better way to accomplish that part of the task). Knowing well that depression is nothing but inverted anger wallowing in the throes of powerlessness, I decided it might not be a bad idea to do a preemptive strike on the outburst of violence that would surely occur when the wave of powerlessness subsided. Chapter 30 seemed to me precisely the right prescription for this fit of malaise:
30. Violence
Powerful men are well advised not to use violence,
For violence has a habit of returning;
Thorns and weeds grow wherever an army goes,
And lean years follow a great war.
A general is well advised
To achieve nothing more than his orders:
Not to take advantage of his victory.
Nor to glory, boast or pride himself;
To do what is dictated by necessity,
But not by choice.
For even the strongest force will weaken with time,
And then its violence will return, and kill it.
I substituted “powerful cats” for “powerful men” thinking that might personalize it a bit for her but, alas, she had already keyed-in on “violence” and was shredding the curtains before the second quatrain. I lowered my voice and spoke calmly, but still she arched her back and spit at any shadow that appeared to move.
I didn’t have a copy of My Pet Goat to read to her - a treatise said to have the spell-like quality of subduing even the most violent of creatures, even when they are under attack – but my wits were quick and I quickly located another chapter to soothe the savage beast in her and wind her down a notch or two…
36. Opposition
To reduce someone's influence, first expand it;
To reduce someone's force, first increase it;
To overthrow someone, first exalt them;
To take from someone, first give to them.
This is the subtlety by which the weak overcome the strong:
Fish should not leave their depths,
And swords should not leave their scabbards.
This thankfully did have the desired effect, and before long we were both huddled down peacefully at the kitty bowl chowing down on some Meow Mix. I’ve never really developed a taste for the stuff myself, but this ritual seems to have some deep spiritual significance to her, like a holy communion, so I indulge her occasionally when it’s necessary. A nice cold Sam Adams washes the taste out your mouth when all is said and done.
*Twyla, unencumbered by human formalities, calls him “Kevin.” I respectfully call him “Mr. Drum.” The cats Mr. Drum calls “Inkblot” and “Jasmine,” she prefers to call “Re-Ow!” and “Pfffft!” based on some kind of catgut-level instinct.
7:42:17 PM 
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