Idiocy From The Marketing Team
Smithfield has a reputation for high quality Virginia hams. To preserve this, only a handful of companies (4 at last check) that actually make hams in Smithfield, VA, are allowed to use the Smithfield appellation. Like pigs for prosciutto are fed garlic, or the ones for Spanish Jamon eat fallen acorns, Smithfield pigs are supposed to eat only peanuts. First they loosened that standard and let them eat cheap grain, landfill fodder, and finally ordinary swill.
Now, look at this label.
This pork butt has been labeled “self-basting.” First of all, you buffoons, it’s pork butt, not a godamn turkey. Got that straight? Second of all, pumping up is okay for hams, I guess, we’ve come to expect that from third-rate products, but you put your prized name Smithfield on this abomination of nature. This is a fresh pork butt, not a ham. You are what you is.
It’s just a matter of time, if it hasn’t happened already, that you’ll raise your hogs on those incredibly stinky factory farms with hogshit lagoons that pollute the ground water with porcine E Coli every time it floods and run off all the neighbors with their proprietary fecid aroma - a family business only Republicans could love.
Great marketing move! My mouth waters already.
You had a prized name with complete quality control and you sold it all out for a 12% solution of “Pork broth, potassium lactate, salt, sodium phosphates, and natural flavorings.”
So why did I buy it? Well, it was cheap. I can always brine it and get most of that shit out of it. I didn’t buy it because it was Smithfield, that’s right; I bought it because it was dirt-cheap and, so far, I don't live near the odors. Cheap, that’s why.
Word to your mama, Smithfield: Though I can always in good conscience buy cheap meat, you can never buy back your reputation, your good name. Pork butts are naturally self-basting because of natural larding. You don’t have to add anything. No potassium lactate, no sodium phosphate, no filtered lagoon water. Nothing.
Let me tell you this: P. D. Gwaltney is not only rolling in his grave, he’s gonna pop right out of it, come back, and kick your sorry marketing genius asses right into the Soylent Green 5th millennium for making his prized product, beloved of Queen Victoria - a world-renowned dry-cured ham - a once-esteemed brand name, synonymous with the word “cheap.”
6:40:21 PM 
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